I thought this was a beautiful story that you told very clearly and succinctly. My only question about this story revolves around some of the emotions that this woman was feeling as she was leaving. Having worked with many abused and battered women in the past, most of them don't find it so easy to emotionally separate from their partner. They often have conflicting feelings of fear and guilt. They often feel like somehow everything was their fault and if they had only been a better wife/girlfriend everything would be okay. Just something to think about...Thanks for a great story!
I thought this was a beautiful essay about something that has bothered me as well. It was well organized and compared and contrasted our culture's attitudes towards the aged versus the attitudes of Asian cultures in particular.
You gave several ideas for ways that we can show that we respect our elder members of society, but do you have any ideas of how we can practically achieve this and how we can glean information/knowledge/experience from them?
I loved the beautiful images that you expressed in your story. I don't think you even needed to keep saying how peaceful everything was; I could already feel it. I'd like to have found out exactly what happened and what you felt inside when "she" walked into the room. There is more to the story, obviously. I'm looking forward to reading more!
As a single mom who has been through similar trying times, I certainly can relate to what is going on in your story. I think this will end up being an exceptional story. I hope you end up sharing this in a forum where more women can derive encouragement from seeing how you were able to overcome difficult obstacles and find yourself in the process.
I think I would be able to feel the emotions in this story more clearly if you could "show" more than "tell." For example, in the sentence "I was a bad mom," I would have like to have been given a picture of what happened and how you felt when you realized that your little daughter was missing, how you reacted when the police/Childrens' Services showed up, how you felt inside when you saw her again, etc. Help your reader feel the hopelessness, despair, panic, sadness, or whatever you felt at the time.
Since the temporary disappearance of your daughter seems to be the dramatic turning point in this story, it might be interesting to experiment with a rewrite. Perhaps you could "hook" your reader more effectively if this could actually be the opening event in your story and then go back and forth telling the background information. All stories don't have to begin at the beginning...
I'm looking forward to reading the rest of your story. I have a feeling it will have a happy ending.
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