I loved it...so less words and almost everything is conveyed.. no lyrical compulsion, no rhyming lines, very straight forward. bang on target. loved it.
To be loved is the most wonderful feeling and to lose your love is the worst...and if you lose your love because of your own fault then it hurts throughout the life.
ahh what a nice description...i love the way the story is being told and the soft and rhythmic love indulgence instance...i would love to be a part of such a lovely drive-in experience...i hope the girl played with the male meat throughout the journey back(because i would love this)...rightly said in the end- Some education doesn’t come from books!
Nice attempt and beautiful thought. I read it a few times and i found some places to be reconsidered. Hope you do not mind.
* A type of love that only we can see. - A love that only we can see.
*A between us that is so strong, - Something is missing after 'A'
*You are my bestfriend and I am yours, - i think there shud be space between Best and Friend.
*My heart screams in agony when your away, - it shud be you are
*For you are the one with the key to my heart.- Not going with the flow, i suggest 'For you are the key to my heart.'
Well thats it from my side...if you go through the above mentioned lines you will find the flaws i mentioned...its a nice poem and feels so pure...my favourite lines are- "Babe, i can not wait till the day i become your wife,
You are the one I'll cherish for the rest of my life"
First of all i am so sorry for your loss dear.
Now talking about your work, its nice but there are few things that need review and editing.
I can make out what exactly you wanted to convey here but the structure is not right. I have italicized the specific portion that needs editing- :
"Many memories all in which I'll keep in my heart
Sitting here crying alone tonight, I'm falling apart
You're gone now, except now you're gone forever
It shouldn't have happened now, not now or ever."
In this line- "So sad yet thankful that I've had you in my life", i think it shud be 'SO thankful yet sad, that I've had you in my life ', because i believe you are thankful that he was there with u and now when he is gone u are sad and not the opposite.
"Always in my mind is where I will see your face" , in this line either put comma after mind and where or just remove 'is where' from the line. It is breaking the flow.
Mate i wrote what i think can make this poem better...rest its a nice work. R.I.P. Zach
Nice story.....very picturesque...i can feel this happening in front of my eyes...the part where you see HER is amazing...sweet yet creepy...but the best part of the whole writing for me is- ''Maybe it was desire that got me here. No, it wasn't desire. It was the refusal to accept the events that created me. The refusal to learn and to heal. It was desire that was my ultimate undoing. The desire to salvage and remain in the past. The desire to keep those memories and feelings alive. Well, today those desires are finished. I know now what I must do. I will never fully heal but I will accept what I've become. It's time to grasp what is rightfully mine. My future awaits..''
Thanx for sharing.
In the introduction it shud be'not everyone can escape one's past' and not 'their past', then it should be 'no matter' not 'not matter' . ita a nice storey but full or grammatical errors. For example the storey seems to be narrated by a third person and suddenly first person comes in...also some of the words are repeated (may be by mistake)....it should have been reviewed before been posted. but again i would say the story is actually nice.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/oneforu
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 5:45am on Nov 14, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
