I really like your poem. It flowed from one stanza to the next with no stops or hesitations. It sounds like he is really there and you are really talking about a real person. All I can say is, it is a very good poem. It does not need any rework because it is the it is suppose to be.
In the last stanza I found two minor mistakes, but I am sure it is an oversight. Just want your piece to be perfect!
#1. can't, instead of cant
#2. hear, instead of here.
Dear tHiNG, Hooves OF Fire, COWser Soze, Thing's Reading Room, or 4P's:
LOVE IT! PERFECTO. Your tone reminded me of my younger years when I knew my father had my back, no matter what was going on. He was always watching out for the bullies, because I was skinny, bi-speckled, and always had a book in my hand! In other words, I sense you are a self-appointed "gatekeeper" of WDC and I like that! Out in my "real" world I am the same way.
Thank you again for reviewing my work and for the touching review of Thirty and Three, which caused a little trickle of water to build in one eye. Olivia
Your piece was powerful, I felt the determination and dedication to your salvation. I am very happy for you because you are so willing to improve your life; I feel God is directing you.
I liked your opening and how your writing transitioned from one paragraph to the next.
Because you asked for an honest opinion, my suggestions are simple. First of all, I feel (you can disagree) the g in God should be capitalized and the bible authors, for example the m in Mark 10:39 should be capitalized.
Another suggestion: read your piece out loud, to yourself or someone you trust. You just need minor corrections. For example: in section on Baptism first sentence: During my baptism I had an afterlife experience. That way you do not have to use the word experience twice in one sentence.
Keep writing Kirsti, because that is how you will continue to improve!
Dear Rose Scott: Your poem drew me in and it flowed, just the way I like poetry to flow. It held my interest and it picked up speed as it became obvious how much anger you held inside; but I felt the impact when you said hatred. To increase the intensity, those two words were capitalized! That resonated with me and I had to work through those feelings a few times in my life. What I found out was that those emotions were killing me; not the hated!
Thank you, your poem took me back to those times and I am glad the hated no longer phase me.
Your poem was powerful and well thought out: well maybe not, maybe it just came natural. Regardless, it was really good because I was feeling all those feelings of paralyzing helplessness. It also hit my soul like a bullet because sometimes you described my feelings, as I get older and sometimes, I feel like "sanity has left ME!"
In regards to Tiggy's Birthday Party: Number 5 per contest, I reviewed Tiggy's Poem and this is the message I received.
Oops, Writing.Com had the following problem(s):
The review requested (ID #1796254) is not viewable by your account. Either the review is not public, the item is not accessible to you or your account is neither the sender or the recipient.
For further assistance, please visit our "Technical Support Forum" and post with a detailed explanation the problem you are having. Copying and pasting both the error message above and the URL of this page will help us help you. Reference error number: #32343252
Beautifully written. This piece radiated positive energy. The writing flowed and was easy to follow. I just kept reading knowing that the author was having a blessed and very contented day. I knew it was going to end well. Keep writing because as your writing styles change, you are able to describe those emotions so the reader can understand and feel what you are saying.
You stated that you are twenty-three years old, living alone; attending college and have a part time job. You also said that your health is not good. You stated that you do not like being you and wanted to know what one would do if we were you?
First of all, I read your profile and you stated that you have a passion for writing....you are blessed because a lot of writers that I admire had hard lives and they wrote like crazy...some are famous for it!
Just keep on writing. Write everyday, carry a notebook and write ideas, every chance you get. Experiment and write a story about yourself and how you want to be; every detail. You are unique with stories only you can write. Write, Write, Write. Write about you.
I liked your writing. It was "clean", it was "clear", and I enjoyed the way put it together. I did not see any errors or anything that I would change, if it was mine. Your choice of words and events worked for the best! Surely, it was good for me to see the man's point of view after being stood up!
Your visual descriptions were excellent! Especially, when the man first heard the woman, laughing loudly, and describing how she looked. I especially like the way you ended it. It was a healthy observation. Disappointment, not anger or self-depreciation!
Just wiped a tear! What a magnificent, heartfelt write. It touched my core and during this time of year, it doesn't take much. I liked the way the poem just rolled with each line coming together perfectly.
Your choice of words was fantastic. Thank you, for telling me about this poem because I probably would not have found it on my own.
Sweet Georgia Brown: Praise Jesus! Thank You, for the encouraging word. I have been going through the trenches lately and my niece suggested I look to this site because she knows how much I love to read and write. I'm glad I did and I am happy to have opened your words of wisdom. I truly believe God has a plan for me and I am answering yes, to His call. Now I just have to listen to HIS direction. Please keep writing, I am going to be a fan of yours.
My heart skipped a beat as soon as I started to read your poem. It reminded me of my paternal grandfather, who was always old and my paternal grandmother; the same. I loved to sit by my grandmother Magun as she allowed me to touch her loose skin on the backs of her hands. Now, I look at my own hands and my, my, they look like my grandma's!
I enjoyed your poem because it flowed easily, as I read it. Sometimes long poems will, sometimes break down in the middle and once I have to read and re-read, I lose interest. Your poem was not like that. If I return to a poem and re-read it, it is because I enjoyed it, not because I am trying to understand it.
Thanks, Olivia Please read my portfolio, I am new!
Beautiful story, I could relate. The author drew me in and never let me go, until the very end. I felt his heart as the father of the dead child. He chose the perfect setting and season to write the story. It got my attention and my heart was pounding as he told about his pain and guilt. He touched my heart. I, too, write about the loss of my son. This writer encouraged and helped me to revisit my son's resting place.
Hello Proton, I am a NEWBIE on this site. I love to read poetry and have dabbled in it myself, from time to time. Since joining WDC; I realize the Villanelle style is my favorite, even though I never knew what it was called. I even like the rules: 19 lines, tercets, quatrain, and a couple more.
Thank you for sharing this poem with us. It flowed easily and got my attention, until the last line; I felt let down! Don't get me wrong, I really like it but with some work I think it can really shine!
I will continue to read and learn from all of you! Blessings.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/olivia33
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 6:00am on Nov 22, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
