You did an excellent job of keeping me reading to see where the story was heading. It was beliveable for a character that was to put it in a cliche "his own worst enemy".
As a suggestion I think the story would have been if it had not beem written in the first person. But you pulled it off quite well. if this was a longer story then I would suggest the switch in persons.
This story could be expanded to a much longer story as ther are many scenes that lend themselves to more detail ( like the coffee counter scene)
I enjoyed the humor in the first few chapters and the rest of the story as it unfolded. Some of the techical devices were beyornd my experience but I could imagine the
way changing devices would unnerve a lot of older persons.
Your writing skills and choice of words show you have a good command of the right words. Well done.
You reviewed my Melissa so i thought to look up your work. Very impressive, i will print this out and pass it to a woman who does similar pieces in our group.
Cheers
Ron rosewood
Quite a tale of how someone is searching for answers and is misused by another group for their own selfish reasons andthe power of group manipulations.
The use of dialogue would have sped up the action at the start of the story e.g. show don't tell.
Congratulations on your high placing, quite an achievement.
I entered a piece in a contest about a year ago and the judge/reviewer give me a long spiel on my sloppy punctuation and how I had no right to present that kind of writing in a competition. needl ess to say I did not win anything.
Your "Tree" story was very descriptive and detailed. I find women go into more flowery detail than men and construct more imagery with that detail wereas men go straight to the action scenes and use a bit of detail there.
For a young person you showed some insight as to how a person reacts to a life threatening situation, whether real or dreamt. You leave quite a bit to a reader's imagination and that is your style, some would spell it out more so all readers would reach the same conclusion, perhaps that would be boring.
I was involved in a canoeing accident a few years ago and things race through your mind at "Warp speed" and you think of several things at once, then in a minute or less you focus on surviving. I did survive after over an hour in the water.So now I am writing this memo to you.
Regards
Ron
Nice twist to an everyday routine meeting with many people.
I often had the notion of writing a similar story where the man has a sex change and so does the woman, you beat me to it, darn!!
Very well written story, humor great and it could end there.
I do read between the lines, and it may be my own bias, that if we could live all over againg, different choices would be made in some aspect of our lives. Tthat is not possible ,so we will agree with you and laugh at ourselves through your writing.
I'm not into poetry, except one item by Henning called Invictus, which is about a courageous man who had gangareen and had to keep getting his leg amputated every few months, this was years brfore antibiotics. Read it
You have a confused person here he/she hates themselves, hates the partner. So I read this as the writer actually loves the hated person. This just proves the thin line between love and hate.
My take is that the partner moved too fast with staements that he/she made and the writer was only too quick to accept the statements as totally truthful and then was more than disapointed when the whole thing went in the ditch.
There is and old saying, believe none of what you hear and only half of what you see. In short move slowly and protect yourself from being hurt.
Your story fits if the reason for their parting is racial or religious differences as you indicate in the 2nd last paragraph.
Asi first read i thought it was a breakup because one of them was not into their relationship. That could be another alternative or perhaps already a part of this one.
Quite a chilling story, I would not have the nerve. Good well written narrative.
See my The Right Thing To Do it is a similar but not as happy and ending family outing Deer hunting
A sign of our times when we sacrifice civilians and soldiers on a daily basis and our only reward is increased hostilities and more of the same. This veteran was destroyed
in that same instant.
While this soldier was fighting in the bloody war, financial wizards were piling up profits on Wall Street , having $50 lunches jetting on holidays and evading taxes.
This could be expanded to perhaps show how he recovers and begins to return to a normal life without nightmares about the past.
You made a strong statement with your story. Good Work
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