peeks/conker/Howell seems like spelling errors- peaks, conquer and howl. It's/a busy place might work in line 6. Lines 3-4 does a good job, I think, of establishing some atmosphere which contrasts with.the last 4 lines. Finding suitable rhyming words,if that is what one likes, is not, I think, easy, but you've done a good job of it.
Would like to read chapter one. Good showing - of characters' appearance and some indication is given of Zolfie's reaction to the doctor's instructions. I assume that he was introduced in chapter one, and that a background to the events being described here was also provided.. What does the narrator feel? Perhaps some showing there would help to make the girl in the white dress more rounded as a character? If, however, this is an attempt, with no background provided, to start in the middle in order to spark interest in the reader, it is successful. Shows promise.
Beautiful poem that speaks of the wonder,positivity and promise of rebirth that spring brings.just a few things that I can't quite figure out. What do you mean by "enfold"."that are a gradient,/apparently./at them as they are irradiant/To our liking that we would say in a precious prayer.'? perhaps finding another way of referring to the blossoms in the same stanza would be nice, or is there a reason I am probably missing, for the repetition? How do the blossoms "praise" us/ Why?
Although I do not always understand your word choices, I do like it, e.g. radiant, vibrant, beautiful, grace. A great attempt at expressing the rebirth of life through poetry.
"Forgetting what he was doing, the right tire crunched." I think this means the right tire was forgetting...? The story flows beautifully, shows the manipulative nature of the wife and the strong emotions thoughts of having mom too close have on Andy. The reader wonders why Andy does not want his mother around on a more permanent basis, despite his "allegiance" to her. The reasons are not clear at first, but things are gradually revealed.Realizing these injuries diminished.. should perhaps be...less formally stated?.
It becomes clear later where Jessie's disciplinary methods stem from, and due to good characterisation, where her manipulativeness comes from as well. She seems to feel one is either on her side (as she wants Andy to be) or not. Doing the former will be confirmation of love, doing the latter makes her feel unwanted, therefrom the extreme, unexpected reactions to Andy's responses.
Her plan shocked me; was probably supposed to be prepared for it by aforementioned strong emotional responses; was this an abused wife leaving her husband, or a self-centred narcissist unable to deal with the fact that she is not the centre of anyone's universe?
Not quite. One learns from what one lives; experiencing a different role model helps the main character come to her senses; narcissist or not, she is still a mother. Wonderful story.
Interesting start with onomatopoeia to catch the attention of the reader. Good characterisation of Jack as a self-pitying immature male. Hopefully being chosen to attend this school will help him to grow in maturity. Description of buildings good try. The way that the news of parents' demise was given to him could be described in more detail, and his reaction could be shown in more detail as well. A few errors in punctuation and spelling, e.g. Jack being a proper noun needs a capital letter. Character's dialogue should start with a capital letter e.g. 'sit..." Next speaker's dialogue should go on a new line. tense should be consistent unless referring to past or to future.
It is clear from the word choice that friendship plays an important part in the speaker's life.I can tell even though it does not wholly resonate with me, because I have somewhat distanced myself. The poem is well structured, with repetition to emphasise, and rhyming to create flow. I do not however understand the image in the last stanza, second last line. The last line sounds like a wish more than a fact, and I find it a bit difficult to see how it relates to the whole extended metaphor in that stanza. Wonderful poem, though. Poetry writing is more challenging than story writing, i think, so good attempt.
Interesting attempt at expressing the frustration I assume people of differing orientation sometimes feel. You use some strong words "devour, disturbing my equanimity" etc, word choice making it clear how deeply you were affected. However, I am confused by "accident/will". can a person accidentally fall in love? Does one feel such tremors in your body and then call it trifling or are you showing your attempts to protect yourself against further pain/humiliation because of previous rejection? The wording does not make this clear.
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