First Impression:

I like how you made the scene so lively and easy to visualize. You have truly painted a picture with words

What I like:

I love the descriptions and words used to give the reader a mental picture of the scene.

Favorite line: Natural goodness, so wholesome and free…
Favorite stanza: 3rd but without the exclamation mark in the end (see below)

What i found confusing

"By producing their seeds and the meats they will find"-- what exactly do you mean by meats?

Suggestions

1- In the line above, if you insist on keeping 'meats', or even if you choose to replace the word, i suggest you remove the 'and' for better and stronger flow.
2- Remove the '!' after 'haste'...... no reason for that.. it disrputs the flow of intonnation.
3- 'Mature' at the end of the poem kind of feels forced to rhyme the other lines of the stanza (as each stanza follows a specific rhyme). Mature doesnt rhyme much with stature, maker, and nature; the 'u' in mature has a more prolonged sound than the short u's in the rest of the words. And plus, you've already used the word 'mature' in the 3rd line of the 1st stanza... A suggestion would be to replace it.

Overall: I really liked the poem.. otherwise i wouldn't have bothered giving a review. Excellent work in painting an image... Write On!

Dear Writer,



This is just my humble opinion, so please take it as it is.

First Impression:

The ending was unexpected....the last two lines in particular contributed to the strength of the poem. The weakness ; the multiple repetitions of the word DAY(s)

1st stanza:
I can understand the stressing of the word 'day' but when it becomes too excessive, it weakens the poem.. For the first stanza, there are three accounts of the word 'day'... it can be done, but maybe slightly differently:

Another day,
Like the others,
It was just another day.
Nothing done different,
Nothing changed,
Time gone, wasted,
On that very day.

Using 'just', and 'very' will in a way make clear to the reader that the stressing of the word is intentional.. and stressing it in this way like i did, also gives a better flow.

2nd stanza:

Since you ended the first stanza with the word 'day'... the begining of the second stanza, doesnt have to include the word. You can say; After this::After that:::Since then:::...
The second line in this stanza,,. i'm sorry to say is aweful! .... "no more just another days"..?! its grammatically wrong and doesnt sound nice when you say it aloud. You can say:
'Just another day', no more... or something like that.
If you realize.. 5 lines of this stanza include "day".. read it out loud and see that it doesnt sound right.

3rd stanza:

"for now that i am alive, now that i have cancer" was great! I love how you turn such devastating news into a new rewarding start for life... almost as if it were a blessing. Maybe you can hint this in the stanzas before... like concealing it by stressing the concept of the contrast or difference or barrier of the day with the ones before and after.. this will let the reader know that something happened that day... yet will only know at the end. I guess it would be better than the continous mundane repetitions of 'this day'...... i know you did that in the second stanza but i mean give a more poetic picture,,. include some imagery, similies... stuff like that.

Title:

ANOTHER DAY....!!! .....give a more abstract title like : Rebirth....Break-Even....The Change.... i dont know.. i know they're not that good, but im just trying to give you an idea of what i mean....and most importantly... dont use the word DAY!!

Structure/Flow:

The first and second stanza were 7 lines each and the last 4.. so there is no set structure. The flow was completely ruined by the number of repetitions. It seems more like a note on your journal than a poem.

Suggestions:

To not make it so... (like a journal note).. follow the suggestions i have given above...; lessen the word use, add some imagery, add some emotion... and i think you'll get a wonderful poem.

Overall:

The ending, as i said before was great... smart...emotional...deep... So all in all, it was nice,, but it has potential to be more than nice. Hope my review was helpful enough. I hope all your days remain positive and full of life...Write On, and keep sharing!

Best Of Luck
EnchAnTreSsS
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Dear Writer,

This is just my humble opinion, so please take it as it is.

First Impression:

I'm sorry, but i thought this was meant to be a poem?..? I don't mean to be rude, but i dont think this really qualifies as a poem...Although, i do like the idea and the ending,.. but still, you should decide whether you want it to be poem., because if you do, it does need work.

What I didn't like

Its too 'told' or more like a short story or flash fiction than a poem. There is no flow... no imagery, nothing really tha would make it qualify as a poem. A poem shouldnt be too narrated like a story... full sentences with that much detail is not really neccessary.
(see suggestions below)

}Suggestions

Oh..I can’t this weekend, what time will you be home? Don’t you want to come play for a bit tonight?
I can’t, I’m not feeling so well..Maybe next week?

……………………………..Ding-Ding
Ah, what a shame some friends are going to come over right now anyway. Maybe if you feel better later you could come.
I wish I could, it is something that I cannot control. Maybe another day?

The sentences are too long... too much of dialogue going on...If you want to change this into a poem such long sentences cannot be used... there must be a certain flow.... for example:

Ding-Ding,
"Friends are coming together,
A shame if you can't,
Try and feel better,
Maybe you can."
"Another day perhaps,
My feelings i can't control,
Ask me again some other time,
Maybe I will, maybe not at all"

I dont know,, just trying to work with what you have written already... just trying to give you an example of what i mean... You can portray your message without changing the meaning, but by changing the structure and flow so that it can be qualified to be a poem! You can also maybe play with some imagery and lessen dialogue, give it a certain rhyme, flow, and structure.

Overall
Don't be offended that i gave you a 2.5 rating...instead take this to be a challenge... fix it up... make it a poem.... and let its potential grow.. I didnt hate it but poetry is poetry and there are essentials you can't runway from...but the overall idea was nice and thats why i reviewed it with giving as much help as i can to make it work!

Write On!
Best Of Luck
EnchAnTreSsS

Dear Writer,

This is just a humble opinion of a fellow WDC writer/poet...so no harm is intended, only a helping hand.

First Impression: I really liked the poem....you deserve a 5 star rating

What I loved:

Imagery: In poetry, imagery is very important and essential for expression... In this poem, you have used imagery beautifully,.. the descriptions and expressions used really made the whole thing come to lfe.... it was lovely.

Word use: The words you have used seemed to fit in a wonderful flow....the words gave the poem an enchanting feel.

Flow/structure: It has a a very nice flow... easy to read, not very intune with traditional poetic rules, but thats what i loved about it.. i love the freestyle writing used.

Favorite lines:
"And although I did not seek that open door,
Find mother nature’s invitation
Much too lovely to ignore."


What i disliked:
Nothing! I loved it all!

Suggestions:
Maybe remove some of the 'ands'....this would add to the already enchanting style of your poem...and also maybe add some color..center the text,,,and stuff like that for a nicer presentation.

Overall:
Amazing read... thank you for sharing,,, im glad i took the time to read it, it was beautiful... you are obviously talented and an enchanting poet...

Best of luck
Freedom Writer
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