I spent some time in the prairies of rural Alberta and driving along long stretches of empty highway you often pass dilapidated cabins and sheds from long ages past. I think often about looking out the window at several old crumbled, overgrown wooden buildings and wondering what life for those people was like and what led to someone up and leaving so much behind. Even if it's not always wooden boards but just a physical memory left behind, I think this work details that feeling well.
It takes a lot of strength to put yourself out there for the first time and I really really hope you keep up with it if you find yourself liking it.
And to the girl in the story, whomever that may be, I hope she knows that sometimes support can come from the strangest places, and that everything changes eventually.
This was a good poem, with a nice flow and consistent structure. The grammar was good and the only mistakes I saw were minor, common errors that often slip by.
Firstly, in the second stanza, line 6, I noticed that 'now vacant' should be hyphenated. (now-vacant)
Secondly, in the third stanza, line 9, you used 'everyday' when it should have been 'every day'. Everyday is an adjective that means commonplace or happening every day. Every day is an adverbial phrase that means each day or daily. It could be replaced with each day or all days.
Ex. Incorrect: I need a car to take my children to their every day activities. Correct: I need a car to take my children to their everyday activities.
Incorrect: I see some of the same people on the bus everyday. Correct: I see some of the same people on the bus every day.
There were a few other minor errors, but nothing of too much note. None of this took away from the integrity of the piece, though. It's very well done and I encourage you to keep writing.
I really enjoyed your poem, it had a nice repetition which is really what made the poem. I didn't see any spelling errors or grammatical mistakes so that in itself is commendable. This was a very powerful poem that I could tell was very close to your heart. Keep writing.
Kind regards,
Lenard Soie
With the exception of the occasional typo and mistype, this was perhaps the best work I've read on this site. The characters had depth and a sense of humour that made them likable without sacrificing the integrity of the story. This is something that I think, if you brought it to a publishing house, could easily be put on the shelves. Please keep up the good work. I'd love to read more of the story and I think I'd be heartbroken if you were to give it up.
This was a really good poem that I really think adequately describes the anger of driving on a busy freeway. The part that stood out to me the most was the "So start to care, Become aware," because not only the rhyme but the call to action that it provides. It almost puts a bow on everything that you've said and changes it from a rant to said call to action. Keep writing, I'd love to read more of yours.
Kind regards,
Lenard Soie
I love the description that you used, it painted a very clear picture of the scene you were trying to portray. I would have also used a different word than descent for the last sentence as it was already used in the line above and it seemed a little redundant. But it is a good piece would enjoy reading more of yours in the future.
Kind Regards
Lenard Soie
Hey, this was a very heartwarming poem and the rhyme scheme is very consistent. It flows and makes sense which can be hard for a lot of poets. The picture at the beginning really adds a degree of personal flair to it because it shows the reader that these are real people. I have a lot of traditions with my family and I love to see others celebrate theirs.
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