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Great poem! Although I usually dislike frequent repetition, it builds a pattern and rhythm here that combines into a style in itself. However, I feel the poem would be a lot stronger if you removed the "like" in the second and fourth line. You don't continue that repetition into the rest of the poem anyways and it doesn't stand as strong as it would without the "like".
Otherwise, great job. Like I said before, it's not my favorite style of poetry, but it does work in this instance. I did enjoy the wonderful imagery generally in every other line though. You really have a nice way with words that really shows.
Wonderful ending as well, it's sweet and cliche, but in a good way that lasts even after the poem is read.
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Great poem. Although I'm not particularly well-informed about religion, it almost flows like a melodic prayer. I like how the mood transitions from depression and lack of confidence into happiness and reassertion of the self. Each line flows very naturally, but seems less of a poem and more of prose. I also enjoyed the wonderful diction that is interspersed throughout the stanzas though. They really contribute strongly to the overall mood.
I have no suggestions for improvements.
Very well done.
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Nice poem. I really liked how you used the "they" without really naming anyone. It really emphasizes the fact that discrimination isn't just spread out through one group of people, it's everywhere.
I think it would help with the flow of the poem if you used punctuation though. I had to pause a few times while reading to figure out which words went with which clause.
Also, maybe use another word instead of injustice, because it gives the feel of slight redundancy. Ex: system so skewed.
Otherwise, well done. In very few words, the poem brought out a nice piece of history.
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Great read! Very inspirational. And who knows, maybe that really did happen in the past. I especially love the characters in this piece, because they're not evil. They're very realistic and the reader can definitely empathize. I also enjoyed the imagery and descriptions, particularly of everyone's reactions when Nancy came in with a short skirt. It's funny cause nowadays, it's the norm. It would probably be the equivalent of walking into school naked, which I could definitely see so reactions to. I loved the occasional repetition that you use to emphasize certain concepts, such as freedom. I could see everything unfold before my very eyes.
My only suggestion for improvement is that you fix the formatting on the last paragraph. It didn't come out correctly as it should have. Otherwise, I have no comments for any improvement of contents. This was really an enjoyable read.
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Part of your Basket of Gardenias with Lace Ribbon~
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Great short story! Your sentences are very well structured and flow naturally. The dialogue, which reads very casually like a real conversation itself, is filled with undertones of shock and disbelief. The entire atmosphere is very strong and consistent, evident with every word. Imagery is perfect and contributes to the feel of a time decades ago. I enjoyed how the cause of everything is hidden until the end.
I can offer no suggestions for improvement.
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Review 2 of 2 for your auction package. Hope you enjoyed my reviews. ^^
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This is such a sad poem! I loved how you maintained the mood and atmosphere throughout, first starting with a sense of wonder and happiness, giving ominous hints, and the climatic turn into horror and sadness. Very well done. I do have a few suggestions for improvement though:
1. The basic emotions and descriptions behind the poem as very strong, however, I feel that the diction of some lines lack the precision to fully capitalize on the emotions and make the poem even more heartwrenching. Ex: ..brought her down with a loud thud - I feel that "loud thud" doesn't do justice to the rest of the poem. There are so many better words to choose that would impart a stronger emotion or better undertones like "death's embrace". I feel that would be a better choice because when the reader reads the line, it doesn't ruin the ending by revealing the climax. It hints at the possibility of death, or merely a metaphor of dying. It also contains darker undertones that a "thud" lacks. This is just an example though and how I see it. ^^
2. In stanza 6, you first refer to the predator as an "its" but then switch to "his". Be consistent. You should probably pick one and stick with it.
3. I found this line slightly confusing: It made her red shine through. (Does that mean it made her bleed? Not too clear on this.)
Otherwise, great job! The end was just filled with emotion and really caught the reader's sympathy. I love the entire extended metaphor and the way it was consistently upheld. Mostly everything made sense and had a connected meaning. The imagery was especially amazing, especially the descriptions of the fall and the pleading.
Well done!
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Wow, great prose! It flows so smoothly it almost reads like poetry! The last line especially, even while filled with pain and sorrow. Very well done, I could definitely empathize with the poem and the narrator.
I do have two suggestions to make:
1. As this piece isn't that long, I recommend that you try to refrain from even repeating yourself slightly. Of course, this is my personal opinion, but since you're already using such limited word count, each word does count. Ex: living and lived, moments and moments, days and days. You can pick a synonym and use that instead. Just something to keep in mind.
2. This is actually a minor detail and really picky, but the fifth line:
But what bothers me the most is the moments,
Should read:
But what bothers me the most *are* the moments,
Just something that really popped out at me.
Otherwise, very well done. I truly enjoyed reading this piece and have no other recommendations for improvement. The mood is strong and consistent and I absolutely loved the imagery and details. They really brought out all the emotions. From the very first line, there was great promise and the ending fulfilled it perfectly. ^^
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Great poem! Short and sweet, but definitely not lacking in detail or imagery. I especially enjoyed your metaphors, they were well-written and really enhanced the entire mood and atmosphere of the poem. They filled me with emotion. Very well done. The title is very appropriate as well. It provides insight into the poem without revealing too much as to be a spoiler.
I do have one comment/suggestion for improvement. In the third line, you placed a comma between "nose" and "and". I feel that the poem might make more sense and flow better if the comma were to be moved to the end of the line.
Otherwise, superb work! I love the way you end the poem. It really leaves a lasting impression!
Dahlia
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Oh that sucks for Marc. Great plot! I definitely did not expect it to end like this. I guess there's a moral to this story: Nothing ever comes free.
Overall, great story, very well written. The very first line was definitely an attention grabber and the plot just runs along, leaving the reader breathless and trying to catch up (in a good way). You did a fantastic job in introducing the characters, setting, and background without making it obvious. The entire story was very easy to read and understand, it flowed along very naturally. The plot twists especially, are very intriguing and make sense. I could definitely follow them. I loved the imagery you used, especially the part about Marc falling asleep in the Big Ben. You really brought the character to life and added certain whimsical qualities that enhanced the mood.
I really have no suggestions for improvements. I didn't go through your story with a fine tooth comb, but I did not notice any blatant errors while reading. All in all, very well done and I just might reread it for fun. ^^
Dahlia
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My Overall Impression:
Great start for a story, but slightly lacking in plot. However, you definitely have a way with words and storytelling. The progression of the story flows well and I was captured by your descriptions. I just feel that you need more substance in your plot. What is the purpose of telling this story? Is there a moral or is it for entertainment? The story doesn't feel finished, like there's more to it.
Spelling/Grammatical Errors:
None that I could see.
Theme/Plot:
I'm not too sure what the plot is. Well, I'm pretty sure that the basic plot is about an unusual teacher with an unusual way of teaching, but that seems to just setting up for the real climax. Maybe it's just me, but the story seems incomplete.
Character Development:
Great character development. You really brought out the different personalities of Mr. Benway as well as the recalcitrant student. All the characters seemed very realistic; indeed, I believe I've met alot of people with similar personalities. Very well done.
Imagery/Mood:
Great imagery, although I believe the flow of the mood of the story can still be improved. The setting and introduction of the story really gave a different impression of the story than what actually developed. It actually felt very misleading. I don't really think Mr. Benway could be defined as the worst teacher in the world, merely not a great one and very unconventional. Especially in the beginning, he is portrayed in such a way that he seems weak and confused then suddenly, he's the exact opposite. I understand that your intention is to convey that feeling somewhat, but try to connect more smoothly.
Sentence Structure:
Great sentence structure. I love the variety between complex sentences and short, emphatic ones. Well done!
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My Overall Impression:
Great story! I love the plot! It's very creative and very intriguing. I especially love the concept. It's almost creepy, especially the ending when the people of the future get stuck in the train.
Spelling/Grammatical Errors:
Nothing blatant that I noticed.
Theme/Plot:
Such a unique plot! I love how you build up to it. In the beginning, everything seems very boring and normal, but the ending! Very well done. You give just enough detail for the reader to draw their own conclusions rather than feeding it to them. My only suggestion is maybe add a little bit more to the plot. The story seems very short and almost incomplete because there is no closure. What happens? What will they do? These are just a few questions to take into consideration.
Character Development:
The character development for borth John and the character is slightly lacking. Right now, the reader knows about their actions, but doesn't really get a sense of their personality. Is the narrator caring and humorous, slightly ditzy but good natured, or sarcastic but well meaning? Is John sensitive? Is he spoiled slightly or maybe very casual. Let your characters shine through a little bit more.
Imagery/Mood:
Great imagery! I especially enjoyed the diction you used. It really brought to life the setting and your various descriptions. I also liked how you slowly built up the mood of the story, starting off with a false sense of normalcy that slowly yields to a deepening feeling of something being wrong, until it culminates into the climax.
Sentence Structure:
Overall, you use great sentence structure. I have no suggestions for improvement. Fantastic story!
Great story! You really had me hooked right from the beginning! The ending was slightly predictable, though I did think it was gonna end at the beach scene. I really enjoyed reading the descriptions and dialogues, everything flowed naturally. Great character development as well. You really bring each character to life, despite their different personalities. Especially Julie, I think you really gave her character interesting depth and realisticness.
I didn't notice any blatant errors or mistakes, but that was just from reading through. The only suggestion I have to improve this story is maybe revise the dialogue between Brandon and Bill a bit. It confused me at first when Brandon started yelling about his hand and I had no clue what was going on until I reread the dialogue a few times over. Otherwise, this really was a fantastic read and I couldn't really do much more to improve it. The ending was perfect and especially eerie. I feel sorry for Julie and also wonder what conclusions Karen will come to.
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My Overall Impression:
This is a very touching and sweet short story. I love the perspective from which you tell the story, especially the part near the end where the narrator's character really comes out.
Spelling/Grammatical Errors:
1. It would be several hours before the sun burnt the vapors off allowing the warming rays to engulf us. (Comma after "off")
2. The dock wasn't anything to look at; just some weathered boards nailed together extending some twenty feet over the moribund water. (Comma instead of semicolon unless you add "it was" in front of "just some")
3. Years later when he began designing and making custom furniture for a living he made another frame for my favorite picture. (Comma after "living")
4. As I sit in my beat-up old arm chair I stare across to the wannabe dresser where the next generation picture resides inside a hand-carved walnut frame. (Comma after "chair")
Note: You also misspelled "perspective" in your intro.
Theme/Plot:
Great plot! It's not the usual genre I like but it was definitely compelling. I love how you reveal the progression of time from that first moment in memories to the present day, years later. It flows well and adds depth. One thing you should probably watch out for, though, are your tenses. In the beginning during the flashback, you use past tense. At the end during the present time, you also use past tense. Added to the fact that this is no clear delineation of what is memory and what is actual experience, it can be very confusing. You should consider using present tense for the present and stick with past tense for the flashback, or keep past tense for the present and use past perfect tense for the memory.
Imagery/Mood:
Great imagery! There are quite a few lovely descriptions crafted into the story. Great job here!
Sentence Structure:
Overall, you do very well with your sentence structures. They range from simple to complex, but are easy to understand. However, towards the end, there begins a few really long sentences with quite a few commas. Those are in danger of becoming run-ons if they haven't already, so you might want to consider revising the.
All in all, great job!
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I love your Bio Block. ^^ It's very funny. Just wanted to mention that before I got into the actual review.
Great free verse poem. I especially enjoyed the repetition of the last line in each stanza. It really creates a nice overall structure.
I have to admit, I was slightly confused by your reference to curiosity. "Killer of cats, what?" was pretty much my response for the first five seconds. But I eventually got it, so yay for me!
I'm not too sure if there's a second reference in the fourth stanza. It reads like it's trying to make some connection, but I didn't get it. Maybe I'm just slow or maybe I'm looking too hard.
Overall, the poem flowed very well. It reads naturally and I love the details, especially your choice of diction. My only suggestion for improvement is perhaps a bit more vivid detail, maybe through metaphor or personification. Otherwise, this poem is perfect. ^^
Very well done,
Dahlia
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Right from the beginning, the story draws me in. You have a way with words that makes the sentences read very naturally and smoothly. I'm guessing the narrator is a vampy? Anyways, the only issues I saw with this piece are the spelling/grammatical errors:
1. Like liquor to a muslim or sex to a catholic priest. (Sentence fragment)
2. The ordinary peeps in the world, use them for everything, from drowning out junior’s teething cries to writing angsty teenage wails of rebellion with gritty lyrics and dis-chordant guitars and of course they use them to escape. (No comma after "peeps". Discordant is misspelled. You also might consider separating this really long sentence into two. It's in danger of becoming a run on if it hasn't already.)
3. Like I said, this young lady, all cobweb tattoos and the soot-smeared eyes. (Fragment. What are you trying to say with this sentence?)
4. No she’ll die on the gurney and no one will blink when I roll her into the morgue a little paler than she is already. (Comma after "No")
Otherwise, this is a very intriguing story to read. I love the ending. The last two sentences are particularly witty and provide an interesting end to an unusual piece. Great work!
Dahlia
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A very thoughtful commentary on the reasoning behind binging. I'm not sure I necessarily agree or disagree but you do put forth a reasonable and logical argument for your case.
I did notice a conventional error:
1. Woken by headaches, they drag themselves into the day, reliving or regretting the night before, as they make their way back to the real world of awkward self-conciousness. (Consciousness is misspelled)
Some other specific recommendation of improvement:
1. This is what they are, ill fitting in their own minds, freed by powders and paper and smoke and spirits. (There are a lot of "ands" in this sentence. Instead, I recommend revising to "freed by powders and papers, smoke and spirits.")
2. Each weekend brings another attempted elope from the mindless tuning of everyday, yet they do not see that the escape itself becomes routine. (I'm not sure "elope" is the best word choice for this sentence. The general meaning is to get married without permission. Very rarely is it used to mean to escape. You might consider using "to break free" instead. Just a recommendation)
Otherwise, great work with this writing. I especially enjoyed your great command of diction. Well done!
Dahlia
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Great poem! I love the repetition of the sentence structure but with slight changes. That prevents the lines from seeming too redundant but also gives the poem a cohesive structure that connects well.
I do have one suggestion for way to improve a line of the poem even more.
1. It comes in one way, and leaves another (Omit the "in")
Otherwise, I think this poem is very well written. The imagery is vivid and detailed. The mood is consistent and strong. The lines also flow well from one to the next.
My only complaint is the transition from love to Jesus. It reads slightly abrupt and I don't fully make the connection because I feel the qualities of love previously described in the poem don't fully connect with Jesus. Maybe it's just me.
All in all, very well done. I could not find any conventional errors, which is very surprising. You have a very good grasp of grammar or a really nice spellchecker :P. Anyways, great work!
Dahlia
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Well, I don't necessarily agree with some of the things in the poem that were written as "I hate" but the poem generally works well. Being very closely based on the format from ten things I hate about you, I can't really say its much creative. I did enjoy your wonderfully cute descriptions. They read very sweetly. The ending was especially touching.
My only complaint is that your lack of consistency in conventions. You capitalize correctly throughout most of the poem except for the second line. You might want to fix that. In addition, you should consider adding punctuation because you have two unseparated clauses without commas in most of your lines. Not only is it confusing to read, it also detracts from the flow of the poem.
Otherwise, well done. I really enjoyed endearing quality of the poem. Although not very original, it is a unique take on the other poem.
Dahlia
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Great poem! I love the way it flows. Reading it out loud, it almost sounds lyrical.
Spelling/Grammar: You have a few conventional errors. You don't need "Sunset" and "Westward" capitalized. Also, since you do use a little punctuation, I recommend that you be consistent and punctuate properly. This will aid in the flow of the poem even more and allow the reader to read it more easily. You also misspelled "bustle".
Imagery: Great imagery, especially when describing the sunset. You use very few adjectives but the overall effect is still very strong.
Mood: I really enjoyed the simple mood and tranquility of the poem. It is very consistent throughout the poem and really brings a sweet touch to the words.
Overall, great work. My favorite part is probably the line with the rhetorical question and a really sweet answer. Very well done!
Dahlia
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I don't know whether to say "Awww" or "Oh no!". It's sweet that they're into each other, but what if Jamie's just looking for a toy for another week! You might want to make it apparent if the new relationship is going to just be another fling or something that's serious.
Great story. It's very well written and the words just captured my interest from the very beginning. The dialogue reads very natural and casual, and they were definitely things my guy friends would say. The plot is also very realistic and definitely leads through logically. I have to say I didn't expect the ending though. Well done!
You do have a few conventional errors and places where I think you left something out:
1. Jamie and I had only been friends about a year, but the challenges of high school tend to be good for bonding people, if nothing else. (Tense agreement between "had" and "tend")
2. “But man, she's so hot,” he said. “But I am really Danielle earlier. I know it was a low blow.” (I believe you're missing a word here before "Danielle")
3. Suggestions were hard when you yourself wouldn't sate any of them. (Typo of date)
Otherwise, very well done. This was a pleasure to read.
I hope to see more of your work!
Dahlia
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Great poem! I was a little lost at first when you transitioned from the ballerina in the music box to being a tiger hunting a bird, but otherwise well done. However, there are a few improvements that can be made:
1. Line 4 is just random and very loosely tied to the poem. I felt as if it was just there to fit into the rhyme more than to add actual substance to the poem. You might want to consider omitting it.
2. Lines 5 and 6 are better written and tied into the theme, but to fit the rhyme scheme, you restructured the sentence in line 5 until it is no longer grammatically correct. That's normally okay in a poem, but it also loses a lot of its clarity when you did that.
3. Try not to be forced into writing certain things just for the sake of rhyming. It detracts from an otherwise lovely poem.
Otherwise, I really enjoyed reading this poem. I especially loved the description of the tiger hunting the bird. I could completely envision it. Great job with creating a consistent mood as well. It leads well to the ending, which has a nice moral.
Dahlia
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Aww, this is such a sweet poem. I particularly enjoyed the ending.
Normally, some of the poems that rhyme feel slightly forced and unnatural because of the nature of the rhyme. When I read this poem, however, it read very smoothly. I particularly enjoyed the imagery and diction used. Very well done.
My favorite line: Your voice a soothing balm to heal my soul. (This line is just so vivid and descriptive. In addition, I really enjoyed the diction of the "soothing balm". Very nicely done)
Flow: The poem generally flows very well. Overall, the syllabic count of the poem is mostly consistent. The meter of each line reads with a fine pace.
Mood: The mood created in this poem is very strong and deep from the detailed imagery. You do a great job in keeping in with the mood consistently.
The only complaint I have of this poem is the dialogue. It seems slightly inane and it is of my belief that it doesn't contribute to the overall effect of the poem as some of your other lines have. However, this is mostly just personal preference so take from it what you will.
Great job!
Dahlia
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This is a very interesting and very unusual take on zombies from a zombie's perspective. I really enjoyed some of the light humor in this. You could've made this really dark and gory and gone along with the general perspective, but you didn't.
Sentence structure: Generally, your sentences are very well structured. You alternate between long and short sentences to provide variety and control the pacing. My only complaint is that you have some repetition of sentences like "I'm a zombie". It's slightly redundant.
Conventional errors: You have quite a few conventional errors. I advise that you use a word processor's spell check. It'll point out the errors. Try to do that with all your work.
Plot: Great plot. It reads very realistic for a zombie fiction and it holds together well.
Character: I love the way you give the narrator a very realistic tone and personality. I particularly enjoyed his matter-of-factness and straightforwardness. He's very no nonsense but with a wry sense of humor. The story really brings out his character. Great job!
Imagery: You have some really nice imagery here, but not often. You need more detail and description. Instead of just talking about some stuff, really describe it and let the reader draw the conclusion from the descriptions.
My favorite line: I'm going to have to wash her a few times.
Overall, a great piece. Improvements can still be made though, as I mentioned above.
Dahlia
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When I read the beginning, I was telling myself that this did not seem very inspirational at all. Indeed, it seemed much more pessimistic. However, I was glad to see a nice shift in tone in the fourth line. This strong mood of self-confidence and desire for improvement remains strong and consistent throughout the rest of the writing. Well done.
There is a lot of repetition inherent throughout this piece. It works as a style for emphasizing certain elements of the writing such as being better than the common man and just reassertion but it might be more effective you utilized the places with repetition to add more imagery and emotions. Thus, you can strengthen the mood and provide more depth.
Also, do add a bit more imagery and details. How will you change yourself? How will you improve? What are some plans, even vaguely? You have a great outline of inspirational words, now add some real details to it.
Great ending though. You end on such a strong note that really contrasts with how the piece began.
Dahlia
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There are so many connotations inherent in this poem, the symbolism of the dancing as to actually be yourself and be free.
Flow: The poem flows well as a free verse. Although the lines aren't metered, the stream of consciousness style provides a natural flow of monologue. Well done.
Imagery: There's some imagery here, but more can still be added. The reader should be able to envision dancing in a room full of strangers: the awkward silences, wayward glances, etc...
Mood: The mood is consistent but not as strong as it could be and not as deep as it could be. More imagery and descriptions will fix this.
Diction: Some hints of a greater command over vocabulary is shown but this promise is never fulfilled. Try and use synonyms that have more concise meanings and stronger emotions than some of the normal, simple words you use: want, full, fear.
One thing, I don't think you used naught correctly in the third line. You might want to look into that.
Overall, great job.
Dahlia
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