Before I begin, a quick note on the rating: the main reason for it is one very easily-fixable thing: there are no spaces between sentences, and many conjoined words. If you were willing to fix this, along with some of the other spelling and grammar errors, I'd probably have to revise my rating upwards by at least a star.
The stuck-together sentences problem is very easy to fix. You can use either one space or two; just be sure that, whichever you pick, you stick consistently with it.
There are also some other words in the story that are also stuck together; the easiest way to find them will be to go to the edit page of the item and look through the story for words with red underlining. All of the stuck-together words should be; just put a space between them, and you'll be good.
A little hint: if you right-click on a non-conjoined word that is underlined, the menu will give you suggestions for the proper spelling, making it quick and easy to revise.
A few other suggestions:
I would make this whole thing a chapter, rather than subdividing it into smaller ones; one paragraph is probably not enough to be called a chapter.
You might try splitting your second chapter into several smaller paragraphs; it would make it more easy to read.
It looks like you have some spelling and grammar errors besides the conjoined words; if you want, I can point these out to you so that you can easily fix them; e-mail me if you'd like this, and I'll be happy to.
This story has potential, and I'm very glad to see you're continuing; please let me know once the sentences are fixed, and I'll be back to give it a more in-depth look. Good luck, and keep writing!
I like this 'story'. It manages to be at once funny and sad, which is a rare combination. It is well written, as well; I only had a few suggestions for improvement:
In the entry date, there is an extra space before two of the digit groups; is that supposed to be there?
'have lost' - this sentence might flow better if you used 'lose' here instead.
These are merely suggestions, not corrections; use them if you're interested. Good luck, and keep writing!
I enjoyed reading this; it's a good piece, and your grammar and spelling are very good. I always like reading reactions to 9/11; particularly when they're as well-written as this one. I only found a few minor things to comment on:
'slaps in the face' - not an error, but a personal-taste suggestion: you might think about changing the phrasing here; to me, at least, 'slap in the face' seems a little (I can't come up with a good word; light, maybe?); something a little more forceful might sound better, but that's a matter of personal preference
'New York, and around' - I don't think you need a comma here
'biggest' - 'greatest' might sound a little better here; again, 'biggest' sounds a little out of tone for the piece
'However, how many more' - Sentences aren't supposed to start with 'however'; just move it to after 'women' and you'll be fine.
'Absolutely I am.' - this would sound better and more forceful if you dropped the 'I am' and left only the 'absolutely'
'fire fighters' - most of the time I see 'firefighters', it's all one word; I don't know if that's just regional usage, though, or if it is the main form of the word.
'craziness' - again, it just seems a little too slangy for the atmosphere and style of writing of your piece; you might think about changing it for 'insanity' or some other word that conveys the meaning you're trying to get across.
Other than these, I really couldn't find anything wrong with it. It was a good read; thank you for bringing it to me, and also thank you for your review of my piece. I hope this review is helpful to you; if you have any questions or comments, please feel free to e-mail me. Good luck, and keep writing!
I have to say that the cutting of the mustache made made giggle furiously under my breath; there are very few things that I've read that can do as much, so I salute you. I found the whole piece very well-written: your grammar and spelling is pretty much impeccable, and the line breaks between paragraphs make it nice and easy to read. Again, congratulations on a very good little piece.
This is a good first piece to a story; I'll be interested to see where you go with this. I came up with a few comments as I read it:
Try not to change back from 'she' to 'Alaura' in the middle of a paragraph, unless something else has been introduced that could lead to confusion if it is not clarified; only use the name at the beginning of the paragraph, like you do in the third.
Your grammar and spelling are very good; I only noticed a few minor mistakes.
I like that you have line breaks between your paragraphs; it helps reduce the 'intimidating gigantic block of text' effect and makes the story easier to read.
I also like that you made your title in the body of the story stand out, rather than just leave it standard-text and left-aligned; it makes it look much cleaner and more polished.
Mirror scenes are a rather old cliche; it would improve the work if you could work those details into the story in some other manner.
'Jared on the other hand' - put a comma after 'Jared'. There are a few other sentences that have the same type of problem (no comma after first word when there should be); try reading it out loud and seeing where the natural pauses are to find them.
'Jut for diagnostic' - missing the 's' in 'just'
You might put some asterisks or something in the large spacing between the major action shifts; it would make it look a little better and help signal more strongly that the action is moving.
'its up to' - it's; also the same thing occurs in your brief description.
'Its over now' - same
One last word of caution: I would recommend that you be very careful in how you handle the armband; having a reset button can suck all the tension out of a story and lead to huge plot holes if you aren't careful.
This was overall an interesting and amusing story; good luck, and keep writing!
I don't know if you're looking for feedback with this, or if it's a one and done, but in case you are, I'll give some. It was an interesting and quick little read; I've always liked reading letters, as they feel like they give you a better insight into the minds and motivations of the writers than any narrative can really give. I only noticed a few things here that might be corrected, mostly confined to missing commas:
'Its crazy' - change to it's, also I think there should be a comma after 'crazy'
'a reason huh?' - after reason
'now separate our offspring' - after 'separate'
'be honest I don't...' - should be a comma after 'honest', also you might think about move the 'at this point' to the end of the sentence.
'harsh so let' - after 'harsh'
'Well no sense' - after 'well'
Also, you might want to either put a line break after your paragraphs or indent them; it would make the letter easier to read.
I hope this review was helpful to you; good luck, and keep writing!
This was an interesting little story. I enjoyed reading it; you did a good job of drawing me in and making me want to keep reading and find out what would happen. I had a few comments for you:
This story would be easier to read if the paragraphs had a line break between each one. The large blocks of text that occur without line breaks work in books, but can be very intimidating to the eye on a screen. If you do not want to do this, than consider at least indenting these so that each one stands out a bit more.
Is there any particular significance to the dolls? I felt like there was, but that I was not getting it.
You might think about removing the 'she died quickly' from the sentence containing Rita's death, and just beginning it with 'The last thing'; I think it might have more impact on the reader that way.
Your writing and grammar are very good; I was impressed. I only noticed a few other mistakes:
In the title: 'toy's' should be 'toys'
'bad mouthed' - bad-mouthed
'local mans extra' - man's
'not for sell' - sale
'sisters house, which lied' - 'sister's house, which lay'
'seven year old' - hyphenate
'play-things' - one word
'each others' - other's
This is a promising early effort. Good luck, and keep writing!
I like this story; it seems to be as much about the fall scene as it is about the child, and you do a good job of telling both parts. It was a fun little read. I can definitely empathize with the boy, having often been in much the same situation.
Your grammar and your vocabulary are very good; I am particularly impressed with the fact that the story gives the impression that you know what the words you are using mean, and that you did not just look them up in a thesaurus. I only had a few comments and suggestions:
parent's - parents'
'thick canopy allowing only' - comma after 'canopy'
'linger' - lingers
'fall air Nips' - is there a particular reason for this capitalization? If so, you might want to make it a little clearer; if not, it should be decapitalized
'at me, again.' - I think this might sound better without the comma
'Leader not a Follower."' - comma after 'leader'
'I walk deep into the middle of the orchard to escape, lie in my favorite spot, a soft piece of earth below the spreading limbs of an apple tree, and think.' - you might think about breaking this sentence in two after 'escape'; it could make it sound better
'share my secrets and as far as I know' - this might sound better with a semicolon or period after 'secrets'; if you do, you should drop the 'and'
'what i want' - capitalize I
'Who at 10 knows who they are or what they want to be.' - I think there should be a comma after 'are', and it should end with a question mark
'What i am going' - flip 'I' and 'am' and capitalize 'I'
'golden red' - golden-red
'pearly white' - pearly-white
'sinking in to its' - into
All in all, this was a very enjoyable and fun read. Good luck, and keep writing!
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