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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/mz_niqui
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Review by Niqui Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
I think a good way to polish further would be showing me instead of telling me what's going on in your poem.

Instead of straightforwardly telling me about the movie screen and the popcorn and soda - describe how they taste, how they feel in your mouth and how it makes the experience of Star Wars seem so special to you. Instead of straightforward references to the Ewoks and sand-people, han, luke, and leia - tell me about how they touch your emotions and why they are like friends to you. Tell me how the music draws you deeper into a scene and stuff like that.

I don't think there's anything wrong with what you've written - but as a reader, I'd love to not just see you escaping into a beloved film but also to escape with you.

Overall impression is that you have a solid start on something that could turn out to be really special. But I don't want to be on the outside looking in, take me with you! :)
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Review by Niqui Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
How awesome! :)

It was a clever and engaging poetic story of a person acting as a defense for a dog that has bitten his owner on the head - and the series of unfortunate events that led to the bite.

The first thing I noticed was your meter. It seems really good to me - meter is a weakness of mine, so I am always impressed when I notice it is done well. And your word choice flows naturally most of the time. It doesn't seem forced and doesn't sound archaic overall.

There are a few places where it is mildly archaic or perhaps just formal, but it isn't a problem for me at all because a person speaking to a judge might actually sound that way. And the names of the animals are cute and a bit whimsical.

It was a very enjoyable poem. Thanks for sharing it :)
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