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Review by mountainhiker Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I like this! Cool ideas and some hard science to go with it. Excellent! Someone advised me to double space between paragraphs for ease of reading and I advise you to do so too. Also you need to break those long ones up into several, much shorter paragraphs.
Since you're dating this in the not-too-distant-future, the British class system won't have changed much and lords are addressed to their face as "my lord", not, for example, "Lord Loftman".
Try to streamline the paragraph about the Chinese response to disaster. You repeated a couple of things
Savvy bar fighters know to get their backs against a wall before they start anything and dispatching 6 or 7 locals sounds like a huge exaggeration. Keep things as realistic as possible. Neither of your 2 heroes is superman.
The really sexist attitude to women that your hero displays is a bit juvenile. Tone it down a bit.
I think you could get more mileage out of the whole transfer sequence at the end. It's done very neatly so give it its own paragraphs and a bit of description - what do the accommodations look like? Climate there? Numbers of the crew? How everyone was feeling? Detailed description of the ship? Build in some tension.
And the launch?! Famous last words? Who all is on the ship? How long will this take? Where exactly are they headed?
The best of British luck to you and your consortium! I'm looking forward to more.
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