I liked your story quite a bit! Which of us hasn't had nightmares about our future and the choices open to us?
However, I think it would function better as a longer story, or even as a novel, because it'd be great to hear more about how the musical she's writing and composing turns out, how her future unfolds in general, etc. Right now, it seems a bit incomplete, although I understand the constraints of a wordcount. Unless, of course, I've missed the whole point of the story and have misunderstood the ending.
Also, there's a lot of repetition in dialog, and in the descriptions of what the characters are thinking and planning. For e.g., we keep hearing what her parents don't want her to do with her life, etc.
The world-building's good, especially the description of the game (and 'Power Ball' is a great name for a game!). But why does she have only 7 years in that world to finalize what to do with her life?
Grammatical review: Please check the pronouns for her dad's gender, especially in the third set of paragraphs when her parents are having breakfast.
Overall, it's a good snippet of a coming-of-age story, and relatable to children and parents pretty much everywhere around the world.
A simple but well-written story and one that I enjoyed reading! I can completely see this happening, and I also feel like it has happened before to millions of human beings around the world who have fled the sites of natural disasters and escaped war zones/persecution. Without too many flourishes, this story captures their plight pretty well.
The story could use a bit more passion, though, perhaps a few more adjectives and adverbs. Both the world-building as well as the descriptions of the protagonists, I mean. Not sure there was a strict word limit, but if yes, you may still be able to figure out how to flesh out the mentions of different aspects of the protagonists' journey. One way you could do this is to add some dialog instead of just the description of events.
I also had a little trouble understanding whether the gangs in the refugee camps were the soldiers themselves, or prisoners who somehow seized power.
I think you meant to use the word "commensurate" here, and "their" instead of "our":
"They would all be given jobs to commiserate with our experience."
What an imaginative, hilarious story! Santa venting to Mrs. Claus is so amusing! Especially found the dialogs about having to conform to people's expectations of body type and wearing the traditional outfit, smart and witty!
However, I do have a few minor questions and suggestions:
- "adults are a problem". Does he mean to say that they're a problem because of the fluctuating lists, or to find gifts for the new ones?
- Why does he need to keep fixing the barn door? And why is the word 'barn' in bold type?
- Why would Blitzen hate leading?
- You've had him say twice that he hates being portrayed as fat. Is that intentional?
Liked your poem, and I think it fits well into the villanelle rhyme scheme! Especially love the lines, "Living room swimming might be deemed as rad; yet with each stroke you would hit carpet floor."
However, I do have some minor suggestions.
-Does the word "subsequent" really need to be there? As in, you're just talking about the one maddening summer flood and it doesn't necessarily have to be after the times you've quite enjoyed the rain, right? It also makes the line seem a bit too long.
- In the line, "many’s the time when we would watch it pour." would it add something of value if you indicated an indifferent/undisturbed state of mind while watching it? Such as, "many's the time we would calmly watch it pour." or remove the word "would" to read something like, "many's the time we calmly watched it pour."
Feel feel to ignore, of course! Hope this helps in some way!
This story captures the confused emotions of the protagonist very well...I could well relate to her nervousness on her first day at school. Her experiences in the first few months are definitely something I can see happening to a 'fresher'.
However, I'm not sure if this is the end of the story, or it's meant to leave the reader hanging for the time being. If the former case, maybe you can put in a last line such as, "And the rest is history."
Story would read even better if you could check for grammar and syntax, especially in sentences like, "The only thing I could do was never try my best to not get myself involved in anything related to him and his friends."
Overall, I liked the vivid descriptions and I hope you hit your writing goals!
Hi E, (Sorry, I couldn't figure out what to actually call you)
I'm just blown away by the beauty of your poem! It's an amazing perspective--seeing the prospect of freedom thru the eyes of a bird that has existed for so long only to bring joy to another being. Such lovely imagery, and the sorrow of the bird on being told to leave its cage is heart-breaking. I especially love, "cage of my making". (Would the word 'own' add even more to the beauty of that line, though? "Cage of my own making"?).
A couple of other very minor suggestions. I apologize if I didn't understand the structure you were following and these make no sense:
1. Would the word "For" at the beginning of the third stanza/start of the first line, make it even more clear why the bird is unable to leave?
2. The word "but" is a bit overused/appears too often at different points in the poem. In the final line, it could be replaced with "though". As in, "though they cannot but taste of dust".
Your poem has a fun and upbeat tone to it; very motivating with its exuberant expression! It conveys well the different ways in which you can step out of your comfort zone and realize your ambitions and desires. This kind of message never gets old!
However, I do have a few minor suggestions:
1. Perhaps I'm being dense here, but not sure what a 'Reviver' is...would that be something like an accelerator? Moving into high gear?
2. In the flow of these verses, I'm assuming that the Reviver is the inner motivator and speaking to the person's impulsive/creative side. If so, then the first two lines of the first stanza don't really fit in. They are the voice the individual is using to welcome the Reviver ("Go ahead, make my day") while the rest of the poem is in the latter's voice.
3. The 3rd line in the 4th stanza: "Make a good decision" sounds a bit out of tone with the rest of the (almost-reckless) spirit of the poem. However, I do think it sounds a bit like poet Mary Oliver's famous, "Tell me, what is it that you 'plan' to do with your one wild and precious life?" which is a line I've always loved. Not sure if that's the interpretation you'd hoped for, though.
4. In the 5th stanza, "A new day has begun, Your dreams have been fulfilled". I don't want to sound pedantic here, but is the Reviver trying to tell the person that he/she has already achieved his/her ambitions at the dawn of a new day?
5. I love the powerful line, "No more wondering if"! Not sure how it links to the following one, though, "You have won, it's your gift". A query on the same lines as #4.
Hope this helps in some way. Free to accept or discard my recommendations, of course!
What a great poem for the new year, for the first month of the new year...quite frankly for any plans of major change!
I'm not trained to judge how a poem is supposed to read in iambic pentameter or any other rhymes, but I'm sure you've followed it just fine. What I enjoy about this poem is the upbeat tone and the subtly humorous lines making fun of unrealistic, self-deluding resolutions, that carry the verse so well to a simple yet powerfully self-aware conclusion.
I think this is a really strong first chapter! The description of Fay's labor and her daughter's birth was especially powerful and vivid.
I think the dialect for the characters' conversations is very creative.
I like the creatures described as the 'flits'. To me, it'd be great if you could briefly mention more 'fantastic' beasts--the wolves sound too common to me. Also, Fay believes that there are demons in the river, so maybe it would help if you wrote in a bit more detail as to how disoriented she is, or how she fights her fears or intense thirst to approach the river knowing how dangerous it could be.
You might want to revisit the description of the form of the demon. For instance, if it's around 30 feet tall, the river waters may not be as high as its calves. If it's featureless, would it have lips; or if it's made up of shadows, how would its arms swing by its sides, etc.? Or maybe it's just because I'm having troubling imagining its form in my head at this time.
Finally--and of course it's fully up to you--you could even divide the above into two chapters. To me, you could start a second chapter after the sentence, "How apathetic fate is". Obviously I have no clue how long each of your chapters are/will be, so again, it's your call!
Hope this feedback helps in some way! Eager to know how the rest of the tale unfolds. What adventures await Anja?
I really enjoyed the poem, especially the rhyme and the way you kept the rhyme going without it sounding inane. I think the imagery of an individual (the poet, narrator) observing and mentally cataloging all the changes that the summer rains have wrought on the interior and exterior landscapes is very eloquent!
I interpreted 'the rains of summer' also in another way: the downpour as a metaphor for a major event that transforms things in and around the poet. Would you say that he/she experiences mixed emotions following the event--the green garden is a positive sign, while the other changes are mostly negative? To me, this poem describes the worlds of change/chaos and stillness/stasis that exist at the same point in time in a subtle way.
Would you say that the narrator/poet is simultaneously detached from what is happening around him/her, but also recognizes and acknowledges the changes happening within?
Can't think of any other feedback to provide you. I hope you find this review somewhat insightful!
I think this poem is incisive and hits at the sentiments that are more like platitudes. As in, my interpretation is that words like 'hope', 'understanding', and 'forgiveness' are often tossed around without any regard for one's actual situation until they just become empty words. If my interpretation is correct, your poem is a powerful reflection on living life knowing that there are no easy solutions/answers.
Minor suggestions: Not sure how consistently and correctly the punctuation is for the different lines. I mean, should there be commas breaking up some of the lines, and periods at other places? You could even try grouping and splitting the three lines for each sentiment into individual stanzas to convey the anguish more powerfully, but that's just my two cents.
You've definitely captured the struggle that a wounded girl faces almost every day--trying to hide her constant agony from the world and succeeding with nearly everyone but a true friend. Anyone with a disorder and disability--whether permanent or temporary--can relate to the way most people deride them for being incompetent or unmotivated, and that unfortunate judgment comes thru very clearly in the last three lines of your second stanza, and in all of the third stanza.
Just a couple minor comments and questions:
-I think it should say, "Little did she know herself" and not "knew herself".
-Why is "they" enclosed in double quotes in the last line of the second stanza? It may confuse the reader as to what is being referred to here.
-Should it be "back on her feet soon", or "back on her legs soon"? Asking because I may not have interpreted the meaning of that line accurately.
What a lovely, lyrical sonnet! So true, and thus so evocative of a winter wonderland. I particularly appreciate the two ending lines which to me talk of the unique and fleeting nature of beauty and enchantment.
Just a tiny bit of confusion: Not quite sure how the quail in the brush was disturbed though, because up to that point the verse talks about a calm, peaceful sleigh ride and doesn't indicate that the horse pranced with a sound.
Would love to read and learn more from sonnets such as these.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/miralms
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 6:13pm on Dec 23, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "