An excellent piece. This should be required reading on all WDC sites. If people heeded your advice, reviewing would be a breeze. I would like to add two of my own pet peeves.
Unnecessary flashbacks: Like adverbs, they serve a purpose, but immediate action is always more engaging. It is often difficult to maintain a flashback in "showing mode" and the "telling" usually slips into straight narrative. Often the flashback is really background that was necessary for the writer, but not for the reader.
Overused dream seqences: If the character is going to wake up in bed at the beginning of the chapter and fall into bed at the end, then please have someone hot sharing the sheets at least some of the time(especially in erotica)!
General comments: I would like to see more of this. I think it would make an interesting novel.
Hook: This story, although well-written, lacks a hook. That is, it needs some sort of conflict, either external or internal to draw the reader into the story. It is a fine story, but the slow beginning does not do it justice.
Characters: Gwen is already a complex character. I would like to see description mixed in with action instead of in a block as she looks in the pool.
Plot: The plot is primarily internal, but we can't see that until the ending. Try to get that across earlier. I don't want you to ruin the surprise. I want you to give us a bit of foreshadowing of it though.
Setting: Purposefully vague. Good.
I enjoyed the story. I always try to read a few newbies each month. If you are looking for a direction, give me a email. It's a huge site and can be confusing.
This is a great idea for a story. I think that it needs a lot more showing and less telling. I could easily see this as a longer piece if you took every 100 words or so, and made it into a chapter. The main difference between short stories and novels is the number of characters and the depth of the emotion involved. If you want this to be longer, you would need more characters.
IMHO, you need more dialogue and more discription. Try to imagine every sense...not just what is yor MC seeing, but what is he smelling, and tasting? What sounds does he hear?
You also should print your story left jusfied instead of centered. I don't see any problem with the video game that we talked about on the chat. If you want to rewrite and give me another shout out, I'll take a look.
I got quite a chuckle out of this piece. I've been on the recieving end of "fad editing" too. I do believe there are some works that need to be "tightened up", mine included at times, but that shouldn't be a catch all for the editor who doesn't know what he's doing. I like to reply to those people: "How exactly do you propose I tighten this?" Invariably, I'm met with stuttering prose or at best, they slink away silently....or should that be "in silence". LOL
This poem has a lot of feeling to it and that is the most important part of any writing, especially poetry. The rhyme scheme is good too. Work on getting the same number of syllables in the lines in some pattern unless you just want it to be free verse. I think one day you are going to be quite an author. Don't let anyone steal your dreams.
Fifteen year old Sam left Spud’s stall
You have to be 16 to have a groom's license in KY.
were s/b we're
Hay is taken from horses running
two hours before the race, as is water
if they have lasix which most horses do.
Rather than petting they might rub his legs to be sure there is no heat, no little bumps he got from kicking the stall. Check shoes.
The horse would be saddled before the jockey came out although she could probably watch out of the window at some tracks.
No clucking to the western horse. He would just use his heels. Some TB's respond to clucking by running. That's a no-no for pony horses.
The halter is already off and left with her father/trainer at the arena (called the paddock).
The gate official may use a leather through the ring of the bit, but more likely he will leave that with the lead rider unless he is told otherwise, such as with a hard loader. (also called pony rider)
He would just use the rein.
The gate is statistically the most dangerous part of the ride.
Race horses run "on the bit" a little like English rather than western. The bit is never loose in their mouth.
You would never do this with a race horse--or any horse for that matter.
"She took a deep breath and let go of the reins."
What she would do is shift her weight, low in the saddle and high on his withers, getting behind his head to be aerodynamically perfect...just looking between the ears. She would hear, but probably not see much of the horses behind her. She would move with him, pumping with her arms to push him. She would also change leads in most mile races so he has a fresh lead for the stretch.
When I am not writing, I train TB race horses in PA,OH, WV and KY. You can ask me technical questions and I'll try to help.
There is a need for this type of story, although I think it would be nice to have a boy main character (For some of the books if it is to be a series. My son gets frustrated that all the horse books are for girls. I'm sure he's not alone.)
Rating this 5, because I've seen published work that isn't as clean. Does that mean it's perfect? No, but it is very good.
Here are my comments:
Although you write well, I think the beginning of the
prologue is a little slow moving for the first
sentence of a novel. That sentence is the first
impression. It has to be perfect.
Your descriptions are good, but description always
slows down the story a little. I might consider
Putting the basebal cap sentence earlier to ingender curiosity.
Three people cannot sit at the "head" of a table.
Torrance, does she have a nickname? If not that characterizes her quickly. You might want to say, something like no one called her Torry. I noticed you did that with Rae. (good)
It had caused...
It was often thought
Both passive voice. Normally I'm not so picky,
but this is page one. anywhere else it could stay, but not on page one. Give the reader no reason
to put the book back on the B&N shelf.
Cool ending of the prologue.
It seems a little strange that they are so young.
Is there a reason within the story? Maybe I'll find out.
**
CH 1
Okay, there's a beginning that grabs the reader!
This next line seems a bit inconsistent considering you had a fourteen year old earlier at the table.
The female was still very young, maybe 17
I like this, but I wasn't aware that Tor was from the "future"
Growing up, she never fought atop anything other than a car, and hand to hand combat was only used at close quarters when she ran out of bullets.
I might have missed your cue. I'm assuming this happened when they all disappeared. You might want to make it more clear earlier in CH 1 that Tor is back in time.
She pulled her bloody short sword from the sheath,
Wouldn't a good soldier send this to be cleaned earlier?
Stabbing a sword into wood would dull it. If she does that, she should think about sharpening it, which she might have to do anyway considering the people it already killed.
TYPO Do not hink that your efforts will go unnoticed, or unrewarded.
I like the short pithy sentences in your dialogue.
Past perfect of recently shoed is "recently shod" and "had shod".
Horses actually don't rear very often unless they are taught the trick. It's more likely he would buck if anything.
It is also very hard even for a seasoned rider (is she a seasoned rider?) to stay on a rearing horse, especially with the extra weight of armor.
She climbed on to her new friend and kicked, causing the horse to rear and run (probably trot at most) from the stable. (I train Thoroughbred race horses when I'm not writing. You can ask me horse questions.)
A very good read. Thanks for sharing.
I'm new to the site, and don't my novel up yet, but would appreciate a read of MAGIGENESIS in a few days. Right now, I just have a short story up.
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