last line of 3rd paragraph: A natural but invisible force pulled me towards the balcony
5th paragraph: I eagerly hopped and twirled on the tiles. The surroundings felt livelier than usual.
---------------
5th paragraph from the bottom:
"because the nature dazzled than the city's neon lights"
Its missing something. Is it missing the word "more."
These are just my suggestions. I'm a Newbie so take them with a grain of salt. It is a beautiful piece and I loved what you said. Good choice of words and you had me spinning and twirling and flying with her.
I love it.
Correct your spelling on "wrapped" and "because"
The Lord is definitely coming soon. We are seeing the days of Noah. And Jesus said when He returns it will be as it was in the days of Noah. We don't know exactly how it will all happen, but we do know that we will be as He is, because Scripture tells us that and Scripture cannot be broken.
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. What becomes of the voice? Are you writing a book, I hope. There are many questions in my head. Does Ellowyn always hear the voice? Or does it leave one day? Does she make new friends in her new place? Does her mother soon understand and hear the voice also? Or is there something wrong with Ellowyn?
Your dad did you a great favor by showing you the less fortunate. We can't appreciate what we have until we see those that have not. I am like you, I was brought up in America.
We have always had plenty and some more than others. I visited Mexico and saw what you saw in Mumbai. We take even our toilets forgranted until we see those without toilets and without fresh water.
Americans have always given very generously to charities throughout the world. We have spent billions of dollars helping the less fortunate than us. God teaches us this and it is our Christianity and our Christ that make us so generous. Our nation is forgetting their God and it is reflected in our downfall. Our economy is not as good as it once was, because we are forgetting our God.
Regardless where we live, we all see that poverty is wrong and we all want to help.
You portrayed it very well. I felt everything you said was exactly how a young man would feel. It definitely left me wondering where is Elizabeth and what happened to her.
You have described a person without the Lord. A person who knows Christ Jesus cannot get to this point. Your mother will forsake you. Your father will forsake you. Your wife/husband/child will forsake you, but Jesus has promised never to forsake those who love Him. The Lord is my constant help in need. The Lord guides me to where the mind cannot get to where this person got.
The Lord says do not let others offend you and do not offend others. God wrote the Golden Rule, "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you." We are to forgive those who spitefully use us. "Vengeance is mine, " saith the Lord. You forgive those who torture you. Bitterness makes the body sick. You just described a very sick body whose thoughts are all wrong. Call unto the Lord and let him set your life in order. Do not depend on people, depend on God. The Holy Bible was given to us to read so we could know God.
You wrote so well, that I tried to give this person hope with what I know about Jesus. When Christ is for us, no man or woman can be against us. If they are, they don't count, because Christ trumps them all. No person can stop the hand of God. The Lord can be trusted for protection and provision. Family sins get us to suffering situations because the family curses come down generation after generation until we renounce them and call for God's help.
You don't have to read this. But writings such as this are calls for help. And I know the Helper.
I'm a Newbie, but I see these errors. Reread the PROMPT - it says "Bent Over Backward'
singular and not plural. You have it plural with an "s" at the end. Smiling Shaara is very thorough. She'll catch anything.
4th line - change your to you're for you are
5th line - " " " " " " "
6th line - " " " " " " "
9th line - " " " " " " "
11th line- " " " " " " "
15th line- should read "You're bent over backward" or "You've bent over backward
You're means "you are" and You've means "you have" and "backward" is singular in the prompt.
19th line- change your to you're for you are
21st line- You're bent over backward or You've bent over backward
23rd line- CORRECT - DO NOT CHANGE
24th line- change your to you're for you are
30th line- should read " All I'm trying to say is"
31st line- CORRECT - DO NOT CHANGE
32nd line- CORRECT - DO NOT CHANGE
LAST LINE: You're bent over backward or You've bent over backward
I wrote a short story I wish someone would edit mine before the last minute.
As a Christian, I believe it was Joyce Myers who I heard say: "I'm not where I ought to be, but I'm definitely not where I use to be." By the grace of the Holy Spirit, who purifies and refines us daily, we know one day we will meet the Lord Jesus. I am enjoying your writings.
thrown should be throne
inter is spelled enter
well die should be will die
lesson should be listen
well not leave should read will not leave
on till should read until
Hello again, The Zero: I'm 66 years old and I have heard many young people say, "that will never happen to me, because I'm doing this, this and this." But there are many obstacles in life that must be overcome. We were not promised a world where we would not suffer. Sin and death changed that immediately after Creation. See, I'm a Christian and I believe in a Creator.
I love when you wrote "Let the certainty, not the hope, be dead." Hold on to hope with all that is in you. See to me, Christ is hope, because He came down and walked among us to give hope. Jesus said that He came to give life and life more abundantly. I am an avid Bible reader and I believe in the God of the Holy Bible.
I am thoroughly enjoying your writing. I'll read more later. Jeanie
You are a deep thinker. Many people write, but they don't write with context. They can't weave together words to give them great light on the meaning, but you can. Freedom from what holds us back or makes us fear is not easily written. You can write it. There is some fiction that I can't read. Strictly because I don't like reading garbage or nonsense. I enjoy non-fiction and especially reading the writing of someone who can get their point across. You do that very well.
You write and I'll read more. I'm a Christian and may I leave you with what Jesus said, "Those whom Christ sets free are free indeed," John 8:36 in the Holy Bible. Great confidence comes from the Lord.
Helpful corrections: Correct the spelling on "their" - this is one of the exceptions to the rule of using "i" before "e." Also correct the spelling of "Independence" and "cigarettes."
I can't wait to read more, so keep writing. We can always get our writing edited for grammar and spelling later. Just write and when you write, I'll read it.
Hats off to you my friend. You brighten lives in a very special way. Thank you so much for sharing with me. The Lord will bless you for all that you do. The people of Japan have lost immeasurable amounts, but the worst loss is a member of your own family.
Wow. I'm a grandmother and a great grandma. You told them exactly how we feel. Our children we love, but our grandchildren are extra special. I loved it. Thanks for letting me review it. Jeanie
I wanted a happy ending. Very good writing, but why couldn't I have a happy ending. This has happened too many times throughout the years to a soldier's wife. It breaks your heart.
It was touching when you mentioned "Cindy put her hand on her lower abdomen as if she could already tell there was life in there." Very descriptive and personal.
You are a good writer. I loved it.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/mharris
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 3:01am on Nov 24, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
