Lovely little poem, this is very metaphorical about someone's inside feelings building up. And the poem describes that this is due to the recollection of bad memories ("hallways of my mind", "scars of slashed memories") and also of other people around ("screams of its victims"). I particularly love the line "Talons digging into flesh and bone ripping apart the the long dead.", it is very graphical but also it seems like your emphasising the fact that people tend to dig up old problems even when they have no meaning anymore.
The way the poem is structured also helps with this feeling of anger shown from this person/dragon, the regular structure of the stanzes help create the picture that this author has a kind of composure about itself, and has a calm, sort of tranquil feeling... which gives us as a reader eerie feeling of anguish that this superior character could react at any time. What a great piece! I would definately not change anything about this poem!
A very, very strong poem Cheryl, coincided with a very strong metaphoric meaning! Well done! And thankyou for letting me have the time to comment, and to review, this poem!
What a poem! I particularly like the 3rd stanze and the imagery given through the chairs - which can be seen as a sign of comfort and relaxation, contrasted to an image of desertion and deprevation. The 'chrildrens' laughter once had echoed' is a very strong line, and also relates to the stereotypical imagery of a deserted park - which gives a sort of eerie feeling to the reader.
The short lines have a good effect on the poem, the short and sticcatto words and sounds (as found in 'grasp', 'delving' and 'trampled') also add this loss-off-flow style of poem. I cant help but notice that the 3rd stanze is written differently to the first two, I think this is because a lot of enjambment is used and that one image (e.g the chairs and the swings) is elaborated on - which gives a better flow and reading. So maybe you could apply this technique more to the first two stanzes, rather than changing imagery every few lines.
The point of the poem does cross clearly though, and by starting off with the word 'Abandoned' sets off the theme right from the very start. It did take a few readings to catch onto the imagery but in my opinion that gives the reader a lot more time to think about the point you are trying to put across; which is about people wanting to hide away when things get bad ('delving downward, seeking growth'), which consequently takes the life out of your surroundings ('colours bleached', 'blossoms lost'), and that what you have left behind just gets worse and worse ('now rusting silently', 'childrens' laughter once had echoed').
This has been a joy to read! And has been a pleasure to give such a detailed review!
I would be grateful if you could review some of my work too! Thank you
A very funny monologue Dorothy! Anybody who would perform this would get positive reactions, as monologues are almost always performed infront of shakespearian-admiring actors, or producers of the sort!
This definately put a smile on my face, an aspiring actor myself, and many of the lines in this are just calling out for actions and something to do - which many other monologues lack.
Although on a downside, i dont know why the eating came into it, maybe if you could relate it somehow to the mother not letting him eat untill he tidies his room, or give a reason why he wont go and eat, for instance: he would prefer to stay in his untidy rather room than journey all the way to the kitchen for a pleasureful activity - this would then reimburse the idea of him not wanting to tidy up.
It is a really well presented piece though, and not only is it comedic it is a top-notch poem too! 5 Stars for purely integrating both and pulling it off with a nice flow.
Please take some time back to review some of my few works in my Portfolio,
Hi amy! First of all I would like to say I like the way you have interpretted some (normally unusual) larger words into this poem, and it still manages to flow! My improvement would be to set it out more like a poem, I can see places where it would flow on if you just started a new line (such as after 'femanine feet' and having 'our grey matter' on it's own line). I also like the enjambment where you have put 'because' on a new line, it does help the poem flow on. The message does get across to the reader pretty easily though, especially the last line which finishesd the poem off with an epiphany from the reader - that the poem signifies growing up, and out of new experiences with the help of people around you.
Great writing!
Mezmerize
This nearly brought tears to my eyes - I can tell by the words that you really did write this during grief of the horses passing. And im sure that that is what has made this poem so effective - its straight from the heart.
The rhyming scheme is good and the poem is regular to show strength when all may be lost. Although in parts the rhyming is a tad off - it is an overall heart-touching piece. This was a pleasure to read!
Mezmerize
I love the mysterious content of this piece - Maybe a bit too distant from the meaning sometimes, but still strong. You have to really analyse in order to understand the true meaning - and that is what makes a good poem. It is regular, and shows a touch of strength combined with the trecherous words used throughout - such as 'war', 'pierced', 'tears and sorrow' - This all adds to the overall effect of this piece, which is the strong bond of love that can never be unbroken. My poem 'Only You Will Know', talks about that everlasting love.
Very strong piece - delight to read!
Mezmerize
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