Very Nice! I was taken away by this poem. It affected me on many levels. l got a wonderful image of a bright warm light coming out of someone's chest. I suppose you could put any great love in to your chest, but for me your poem spoke of God.
I could not see anything that needed to be corrected at this time.
I enjoyed reading this poem from start to finish.
Good job! I hope to see more of your writing soon.
i am so glad you wrote something else to go with "Of Earth and Stars" I really enjoyed that story.
Oh my goodness, this story was so very good. It was also very touching. It seems fitting to me that the elderly couple in this story chose to stay behind, the opposite of what the young couple in the previous story chose to do. It made both the stories flow well together.
I enjoyed reading this from start to finish, and I am hoping you will write more in this series.
What a delightfully creative way to express what you are. I enjoyed the symbolism that you used in your piece.
I really wish I could find something incorrect in your grammar or spelling so that this would look more like a review, but I just cannot find any errors. I can only review this piece on how it speaks to me.
You successfully created an honest picture of yourself and I enjoyed the way that you did it.
This was a very moving piece of poetry. I have not ever read Orpheus and Eurydice so some of the references were not apparent to me, however, I still enjoyed reading it. I liked how you put the quote, I am assuming it was from Orpheus and Eurydice, at the beginning of the poem. It allowed me to understand the poem more, as well as enjoy it more.
This was an interesting bit of work. I am guessing Backward Wilbur is his own reflection? I thought it was very unusual and I was not expecting it to end the way it did. I think this is the perfect short story. It has the ability to stand on its own without me, the reader, being disappointed because it ended when it did. A very good job on this story.
I enjoyed this a great deal. I would like to see you continue this series. I was left hanging by the ending. Once again you managed to pull me into the story you were telling and I could really see what was taking place. The descriptions you used really made the story seem real. What a terrific job!
Loved it! I felt Blair's pain at looking over the deserted city and her pain at the thought of living her home, and even her pain when she was on the ship that was leaving earth. I like how you broke it into sections,it made it easy to go from what part of the story to the next. I will confess your hints at the reasons why the earth was turned into such a desolate place made me wish that I could see more of why that happened. I enjoyed the whole thing from beginning to end, my only disappointment was that it ended.
You have a really wonderful way of writing that just drew me into the story. The descriptions you used were so effective at allowing me to picture the story as you were telling it. I enjoyed reading it from start to finish. I am looking forward to reading your other work.
This was very touching. It was also a very visual experience for me. My favorite part about this was at the end of each section, you ended it with "Ever-Hearing One, Ever-Seeing One and so on" They were beautiful descriptions of God, and wonderful examples of how even very small prayers are heard and seen by God. The "In the Twinkling" reference in your last section was a great way to sum the whole thing up.
Overall, this was an excellent read. I found it very uplifting and I feel blessed for having read it.
I know this subject matter had to have been difficult for you to talk about. I appreciate your honesty and candor. Your son is very blessed by having parents that did not give up on him.
Most of what I saw that needs to be corrected is errors in grammar and wordiness. Because of those two thing some of your sentences were rather difficult to read through. There were also some punctuation errors. When using words like and, and but (known as conjunctions) you should really have a comma before them
Here are two examples of grammar errors and wordiness:
Not sure how this started or when. All I can remember was noticing that my son didn't want to hang out with his friends anymore. He always made up an excuse for not going to family functions. He was attending school but not absorbing anything. In February of 2008 he did a 360 in a change of attitude. He was angry all the time and tried to sabotage us as a family. At the time I couldn't figure out why he would want to ruin his loving home and environment. We are a close family and he loved being with us.
If it were me I would change this paragraph this way:
I am not sure how it started or when. All I can remember is that I noticed my son didn't want to hang out with his friends anymore. He was always making excuses for why he could not attend family functions. He was attending school but was not absorbing anything. In February of 2008 he had a complete change of attitude. He was angry all the time and trying to sabotage our family. At the time I had no idea why he would want to ruin his loving home and environment.
I would leave the last sentence off it. It is not really needed.
I looked everyday in his room for numbers, suggestions, letters, anything that could help me to understand what was going through his head. I didn't find anything, the odd number but no names and some writing but nothing conquer. My son was running out of options of places to stay and ended up coming home on his own. That was the beginning for him to new options. I talked to him everyday all day if that is what it took. I listened for hours about his struggle to be happy without an apparent reason. He still would go out and doing god knows what, but was coming home. His anger was heightening and he ended up getting somewhat violent. He left again for a week this time. Then he called home wanting to meet with us. We did and he was crying and couldn't believe what he was doing to us and himself. It was then he admitted he was depressed and wanted help.
I would change this paragraph to something like this.
Everyday I would search his room for numbers, clues, and letters, anything that could help me understand what was going on in his head. I never found anything beyond the odd nameless phone number, and a few bits of writing but nothing concrete. My son ran out of options for places to stay and eventually came home on his own. I talked to him everyday, all day long. I listened for hours about his struggle to be happy when he felt he had no reason to be. He was still venturing out, doing God knows what, but at least he as coming home everyday. His anger was becoming worse and he became somewhat violent. Once again he left home, staying gone for a week this time. Finally, he called home asking to meet with us. We agreed and what we saw when we met with him was a broken young man who was in tears. He couldn't believe what he was doing to us and himself. It was at this point he admitted that he was depressed and wanted help
I am sure you can get the git of what I was doing here. I think if you go through what you wrote you will see how to restructure you sentences so they flow more smoothly and are easier to read. You have a great message in your piece and I do not want people to lose it because of having to read a sentence multiple times to get what it is that your are saying.
Your piece was very good at invoking memories of my own unrequited loves. How painful they can be, yet at the same time they can be moments of courage.
I like how you told your story in a short concise manner, but at the same time it was full of figurative language. It made it possible for me to visualize you moments of pain and courage.
I did not notice any problems with spelling or grammar. For me your piece seemed to flow well. I would consider changing the title to Walk Tall. To me those two words sum up your point and almost seem the focal point for your piece.
Thank you for a pleasant read.
Melisa
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