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Review by Chaim Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
"Somewhere in another time, a place inherited the tale of a superstition."
Very, very abstract. I love abstract, but I think some concrete words would help, especially for an opening line.

"It no way resembled gold, silver, fancy goblets or other metals."
I think you're missing an "in" as, "it in no way resembled...". I like the list of precious items, but even though goblets are metal, it doesn't seem to fit in the list, since you end saying "or other metals" and goblets are made of metal, not actually a type of metal themselves. It just reads a little clumsily.

"...for he had something to do. It was ominous and very illogical. It was what he held in his possession...."
First you mention a task, then suddenly it is an item ("held in his possession")?

"The short soldier, frightened to the bone of the dark and nervous of his first night of serving the king..."
The wording "nervous of" doesn't read right. Maybe he was "nervous on his first night", or "nervous as it was his first night"?

"The soldier yanked his dagger from his scabbard, his heart beating..."
That's a lot of "his"s in one sentence.

"The ghostly spectral"
The word 'spectral' is an adjective. A 'spectre' is an object.

"...cursing himself for being such so superstitious..."
Such so.

"What in the world is that, he murmured to himself," his body stiffening immensely.
'Immensely' is an odd choice of word here.

"The soldier shriveled in fear as the spectral’s"
Same here as before with "spectral".

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Your writing is very invigorating and compelling. Any kid into fantasy stories would definitely want to read more of this. Some careful choice of vocabulary and adjustments of grammar will turn this into a really nice novel.

One last question -- what age group is this intended for? It reads like young adult (~10ys, maybe).
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Review of Oh the Cost  Open in new Window.
Review by Chaim Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
This is nice, though it seems to focus more on the pain of battle itself than on the causes and ideals which inspire soldiers to fight, bleed, and die for the freedom of others.
Poetically, the piece flows well. In the final stanza, the altered first line and restatement on the second take away some of the impact, in my opinion, but that is a minor flaw.
Kudos on the theme, and on respecting memorial day & the people who give it meaning.
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