I think you have a really strong, tight piece here. I especially like your hold on dialogue - you manage to infuse a lot of emotion into a few words. Also, your descriptions of characters, from Janet to the "plump, middle-aged" clerk help paint a vivid scene. You manage to make some people both grizzly and comical (like the old man "spattered with rank-smelling tobacco juice" (ergh)). The story is also tight overall because it opens with the conflict at hand and ends with the conflict's resolution - which I feel you manage to leave in suspense until Gina reveals it in the third to last paragraph.
Some criticisms:
- I notice that you pack a lot of information into each sentence, which generally works very well, but in a couple of cases I felt you might want to pull them apart a little more. Ex. "She frowned at the offending individual whose weary sighs..."
- "The old geezer...": I feel that, compared to your descriptive ability with other characters, this description falls flat.
- The waitressing paragraph: This is just my personal curiousity, but that paragraph contains a very colorful scene that I would love to see taken a little out of exposition.
Great Work!
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/meesterplad
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 7:15pm on Nov 21, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
