I think you have a really strong, tight piece here. I especially like your hold on dialogue - you manage to infuse a lot of emotion into a few words. Also, your descriptions of characters, from Janet to the "plump, middle-aged" clerk help paint a vivid scene. You manage to make some people both grizzly and comical (like the old man "spattered with rank-smelling tobacco juice" (ergh)). The story is also tight overall because it opens with the conflict at hand and ends with the conflict's resolution - which I feel you manage to leave in suspense until Gina reveals it in the third to last paragraph.
Some criticisms:
- I notice that you pack a lot of information into each sentence, which generally works very well, but in a couple of cases I felt you might want to pull them apart a little more. Ex. "She frowned at the offending individual whose weary sighs..."
- "The old geezer...": I feel that, compared to your descriptive ability with other characters, this description falls flat.
- The waitressing paragraph: This is just my personal curiousity, but that paragraph contains a very colorful scene that I would love to see taken a little out of exposition.
Great Work!
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