I think, this piece needs to be reworked, but it definitely has potential. I feel that there is a lot of excess, that makes the poem difficult to read. I noticed that you kind of went back and forth between telling the reader how you/they feel and painting a picture for them. In my opinion that is the problem. Read the poem over to yourself, and try to remove/limit the use of pronouns. Another way I edit is to read the last stanza, so that I know where I'm going with it, and edit stanza by stanza in reverse. Just an example of what I'm trying to get at, the fourth stanza could probably be replaced with something like "Awaken to symphonic desires of kettle drums" which would still convey the message of waking, still tired, with a pounding headache without saying it verbatim.
I was sucked in. You're opening action was appropriate and propelled me right into the story establishing an instant connection with Scar, who hasn't fought with a family member? That said, I feel like the premise is dangerously close to The Hunger Games and Divergent. You will have to work extra hard to distinguish your work from these and avoid writing a copy cat novel. My advice would be to read one of the previously mentioned, if you haven't already and write down every similarity you find. Then go back into your story and eliminate any similarity that isn't necessary to your story line.
This is adorable. And my daughter, Baylie, agrees. We both laughed out loud with the first line, and cringed at the thought of taking belly button lint baths. I absolutely love the mirror technique. I do have two notes. I think some of the language is above a child's reading level, admonished, exasperation (mind you that only matters if this is intended as an independent read) . Secondly, instead of saying "her mommy" "his daddy" I think it would be helpful to the story if you created a title for each parent, even something as simple as Mommy vs Mother Monster.
Good luck! Can't wait to find this on shelves so we can see the pictures! :)
C. Carlos Camacho,
I feel that this piece is logically plotted and gramatically sound, however I found the dialouge stiff and unrealistic. My suggestion to you is to go sit with a pair of elderly men in the coffee shop- I assure you they do not sit in silence. In dialouge it is okay- nay it is proper to make grammatical "mistakes" and use laymen termonology. Sample from real life- make your characters more than characters.
Also I found you use the thoughts of your main character to tell the reader what is going on, for example when the old man in the park has a heart attack, you write: "The old man who`d earlier been feeding the birds was slumped over on the bench, clutching his chest in obvious pain. The sudden appearance of these mysterious planes must have induced a heart attack, I surmised." Although you have to paint a picture for your reader, you have to paint a picture for your reader. Do not tell them what is going on, show them. The majority of readers would have been able to understand that an old man slumped over on a bench, clutching his chest was A. in obvious pain, and B. having some sort of cardiac episode. Do not under estimate your audience.
I think this piece will resinates with a large audience. There seems to be an endless source of pain in our world, but there in lies the power of free will. A person may subcome to the pain and needless torture of their peers or harnest the emotion and turn it into something beautiful. I think you are well on your way to the latter.
I find that this piece is difficult to read simply because it's not quite a memoir, not quite a narrative- it doesn't fit easily into anycategory, instead it tries to embody a number of styles simotaneously. You need to declutter, and really focus on your main points.
There is an abundance of vivid imagery throughout the work, and I would personally like to see you play on that. Tie things back to your strangest images- like the eyes that started it all. Speaking from personal experience- there was a laugh that started it all for me. My higschool experience was mangled by a l augh- and to the day I wake up listening to it.
Overall: I think you have something here, but it needs an unsentimental hand. The best way to do that is to remove yourself from it and retend that it happened to a stranger. Be completely objective and sit down with your red pen. I know it's much easier said than done, but everything worth doing is.
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loved this. Only thing "I'll promise to never leave your again" should be "you again"