That was hilarious! I loved the part with Glorfindel, Legolas, and Arwen...that's a scene I love to pick on too. This line was just priceless: "LEGOLAS: That is so reassuring. I cannot express in words how reassured I am." There are alot of spelling errors though, and it makes it a little tough to read in places. Fix those, and you'll have a polished piece!
I really like the emotion and message in this piece, and as a poet myself, I agree with that last line...but that is a source of inspiration. :) I think this is already a great poem, but you could make in even better by describing the couple's activities more vividly. Feel free to ignore my advice! Write on!
Let me just give you a small piece of advice--hand any girl this poem and then ask her out. There is NO WAY she could turn you down after reading this. Of course, I really shouldn't be the one giving anyone relationship advice, but hey, I know what girls like, I am one! Great job!
Well done, I liked it. I really liked the line "Hazy sacred grounds" It makes me picture this brown, misty field surrounded by pine trees...all that from three little words! I do think you could go a little deeper with your descriptions, and the first line "The darkness consumes me" has been used alot before. No typos though, a lovely piece.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! *THUD* OW! Okay, sorry that was the sound of me falling out of my chair...that is absolutely hilarious-I can't breathe-my stomach hurts from laughing! I would look over it again for typos and such, but I don't think there are any and it would be the death of me. You should advertise this as a weight loss program, all that laughing is a great ab workout. May I suggest a sequel about how the body is disposed?
Great description and imagery. You have a rythym and rhyme scheme established in the first couple of stanzas, but it seems to fall apart a little in the fourth. Just a personal opinion, but I think if you continued the rythym all the way through, it would make for better flow and pull the piece together more. Also, you have the item type set as article, I would change it to poem because that's what it is. :) Overall great emotion and portrayal of the subject. Feel free to ignore any of my advice. Write on!
Amazing! Fresh imagery that sucks the reader in from the beginning. I love the wind that feels like fingertips and the "manicured" grass that you expected to crack. I can almost feel it between my toes!
only one teeny tiny fix:
paragraph 8, line 4: "here hat do not" --> "here that do not"
Great job and write on!
Whoa, very dark and depressing, especially for someone who's been there. So glad I didn't ever hurt myself...life IS worth living!
Paragraph 1 Line 4: "fine. And as I..." I would take out the "and", it just reads smoother.
Para 2 Line 5: "depressed. And when laughed in a delibrate..." --> "depressed. When I laughed in a deliberate..."
Para 5 Line 4: "present time, than it" take out the comma
Para 8 Line 2: "hesitation. And it's either..." take out the and.
That's all, but it is 3 AM, maybe I missed something. :) Powerful piece, looking forward to new additions in your port.
This is very sad, and the emotion comes across well. There are just a few technical things you should fix:
line 5: "in that dark too cool church" might flow better if you said "dark, overly cool church"
lines 14-15: "said he almost said" maybe you could take out the first "said"
line 23: "monotoned" should probably be "monotone"
line 50: "God high tone remember..." did you mean "God, I don't remember..."?
line 62: "junks that were impossibly high" I think you meant "jumps"
line 68: "time for the games to and" should be "time for the games to end"
line 70: "The ground she still on refused to that her fly." Not sure what you meant, maybe "The ground that she was still on refused to let her fly."?
Great story. For a title may I suggest "Losing Joey"? Feel free to disregard any of my advice. :)
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/mayo
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 9:02am on Nov 13, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
Write on!