Your story is pretty good, Tim. I liked what you did in Target. What I didn't like was: at the end of the story it seemed it was all just a dream. You said: "The more I thought about it , the more I realized that I had an adventure that nobody else could ever have". But of course nobody could have the same dream as you.
Interesting and very subltle metaphor (I would have missed it if it wasn't for your short description!)
Your first stanza caught me- the alliteration and those haunting lines I walked the beach forever,
With no one missing me. Very vivid image!This is a poem with great potential!
The poem didn't quite measure up to the excellent earlier stanzas, though. You continued with some fine images, but the rhyme became sing-songy, and it sounded too... informal? Don't use contractions in the final stanza ("its" in stanza 4 should have an apostrophe, too, but I'd leave out that contraction as well.) The subject feels too formal for contractions. Also, eliminate the repetition of the word "soon" in the 6th & 7th stanzas.
I stumbled across your port when I was reading a review you did back in December of my nine year old's awful space adventure. Your review was absolutely incredible! Very very fine advice! My son is a very very raw young writer; he has a long way to go. Your advice, especially about plot, was VERY helpful!
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