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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/marvinkeith
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Review by Marvin Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
It's a good start. If I was you, I would "show" the reader more than tell them. Maybe something like: Alex ripped the thin stack of connected papers off the wall. Another year gone by he thought to himself as he reflected on the nineteen other twelve page calendars he had tossed into the garbage can over the years. Calendars that had proabably been forced into the back of one of those big trucks that slowly rambles up the street on that one day of the week, the day when you need to sleep in the most. But can't because you are woken up by the noise of that same garbage truck picking up another load of trash and calendars. The calendar in his hand probably someone else's recycled years gone by. Thumbing through the pages for one last time, he stopped on the month of November and saw it. He had written a birthday reminder for his wife Myranda on the block that held the number fourteen. A birthday reminder that was surrounded by a swirly, arabesque heart. Symbols of the past he thought reflecting over the last month. Last month which had held nothing but heart- ache and liquor. Last month which had held nothing but sleepless nights and countless fights..." Try to make your reader feel what you want to show them by giving them a glimpse into every aspect of Alex's life. I hope this helped and feel free to use the writing above if you so wish to do so. Best of luck to you and stick with it. You have something good going here. Contact me if you ever need any other advice on how you can improve your writng.
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Review by Marvin Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I've read almost all of Palahniuk's books Choke being one of the many and I think that this is a very good short story. Is there more? I woukld love to read it if there is. I like how you continually throw in the line about being love, much like Palahniuk does. It really reiterates the point of the passage. You have a talent for writing and choosing the right words to describe the events in the story. If you have any other parts of this story or have expanded on it I would love to read them just send them my way. Keep up the good work and that isn't just a cliche phrase as it is so often used. I really mean it. This is something that I would buy.
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