\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/marashelly
Review Requests: OFF
3 Public Reviews Given
3 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Knock Knock  Open in new Window.
Review by Mara Shelly Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hey there Angus,

I loved your story here, it made me smile a lot (in a good way:). Pretty neat idea, to just write one side of a conversation, I liked that a lot. Would you consider expand it a little bit? The paragraph where you keep repeating "Just keep reading these words" reminded me of hypnosis. That, coupled with the last 4 lines where the main character seems to be talking to the poster character, made me think this could turn into an even darker story:) I myself am a big fan of King, his ideas are just amazing, especially his early works. The Langoliers is probably my favorite of his stories, but nothing beats The Shinning:)))))

I'm gonna read some more of your stuff:)) Great job!

Mara
2
2
Review of Shakedown  Open in new Window.
Review by Mara Shelly Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey there,

Loved your story, really interesting:) I think the grammar is good, I haven't really noticed anything wrong with it.

If anything, in some places the narrative seems a bit wordy, as in too much information in one long sentence that would probably sound just a little clearer should it be conveyed through shorter sentences (especially the long sentences containing descriptions). Also, I noticed some punctuation problems. For example:

".....that are flawed.” he explains, I nod. - If you end the sentence with a period, then the following "he" should be capitalized. You can leave it the way it is, but then you need the change the period after "flawed" into a comma. I probably wouldn't have considered this a big deal, but I've noticed it over and over again:)

One other thing: words like "neurotransmitters" and "psychology" don't have to be capitalized when they're in the middle of the sentence.

And the last point I wanted to make: some "abnormal" individuals are in fact aware they're not like everyone else. Of course, not someone in full psychotic break or an OCD Axis II person, but I've met some individuals who were fully aware that the voices or images were in their heads. I myself am a behaviorist, and I think THE question should be: How can we change the behavior so that the individual can have a full, productive life? But that's just me:))

Overall, I would say your story is great, I really enjoyed it.

Sincerely,

Mara
2 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/marashelly