please revise for spelling and grammar. is this meant to be poem, or prose? you could format it either way; try messing around with the structure of the poem to help convey what you're trying to say, it will help greatly. expand on your thoughts a bit more, give the reader more to sympathize/empathize with.
i've thought about this concept many times. (the only other representation i've ever encountered though was... much more morbid...)
i enjoy the idea.
is there a specific reason that you chose to do a rainbow? i noticed the repeated pattern of indentations for child v. senior citizen (and liked it).
oh.
my.
god.
i love it.
i realize that's not very critical (or helpful really), but wanted you to hear (read?) that.
at first i was tripping over the lack of punctuation but as it continued, i began to love it. the run-ons add to it, i think, making the speaker's frantic.. i suppose, affection, even more desperate. lovelovelove it.
Jeez. dark, but enlightening at the same time. minor grammatical errors (just reread it and i'm sure you'll find them), but holy poop. i feel like you reached inside my mind and took that feeling i get when *i* write. phenomenal. i hope you fix those minuscule issues; it's so close to perfect!
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