Good job! This was fun! If I had to make a constructive criticism, which is what we're here to do, I'd say that it's perfect right up until the end. It needs a stronger finish, some sort of unexpected pop/punch in the final sentence. As it is, it just sort of trails off in the last three sentences. The conflict is between the man and the dragon, so the final sentence should pertain to that.
The easiest fix would be to reverse the order of the last two lines. That way we know it worked out with the girl, and we finish with your retirement from fighting dragons. I would still add something witty as a closing sentence so it finishes with more of a bang. Here are some examples:
I left the soldier's life behind. There’s no going back after something like that. It's too hard to get the stench of dragon breath out of your hair.
I left the soldier's life behind. After all, I got the girl, I know where the dragon keeps his gold, and as it turns out, I'm a better thief than a soldier anyway.
I hope this helps! The story is fantastic. You have a great voice for humor in your writing, and the balance is spot on. I'm looking forward to reading more of your work!
You have an unusual choice of adjectives, which I greatly admire, and you may quite possibly be the first person to ever use the word "dirge" in a poem! I love unusual words, and I think the creative use of language is a wonderful form of art. As a songwriter, I certainly appreciate the challenge of writing something new about love, and the way you compare music and love is refreshing. Also, the structure of this piece speaks to the rebel in me. Some may beat you up for it, but I like it Have a great day, and welcome to Writing.com!
Justin
Wow, that was great! I so rarely run across writers who share my enjoyment of writing this kind of story. Every bit of this gem flowed supurbly from beginning to end; very nicely done!
I found one typo you'll want to fix; just two capitalizations where there shouldn't be any: “That’s Impossible right now.” He said. (Also, the period after "now" should be a comma)
Otherwise, this story was flawless. I hope to find more stories of this caliber in your port!
Wow, now that's a good story! I found a few typos (listed below) but overall it was very well done.
First suggestion: don't use the elipse to end the first few paragraphs, a period will do fine. The sentence itself conveys the same thought. The elipses in the last paragraph are fine, leave them as is.
Typos:
George was amazed. Everything was the color of beach sand and there were no visible doors or windows. "May I ask questions? George was very curious about the strangeness of the design. (Needs a " after 'questions')
"Meals are served in your rooms. Three times a day - and snacks are yours for the asking. You can have anything you wish to eat. We have an excellent staff of trained cooks to furnish you every whim.
The following paragraph is hard to follow, as it jumps from one scene to another without any break in stride. Consider revising. "George, I'm Gary Neeze in charge of operations. This is Craig Strutt, head of research, and this is Norm Carr, in charge of equipment. We will be spending the next few hours acquainting you with procedures, etc."
"I never would have dreamed all this could happen..." George faded out as the men began their orientation.
The hidden door slid open to reveal Charles Angel. George jumped up, startled.
"I thought I heard voices."
That it for my suggestions. This is a really good story, thanks for posting it! I hope to read more from you soon
Write On!
MadMan at Large
Hhmmm... a thought-provoker! You did a good job laying out the scenery, I could see it as if I was there. The dialogue was also well written. I did find several typo's, mainly "there" when it should have been "their" or "they're" so the spell check probably wouldn't pick it up, and some needed comma's. Otherwise, I thought it was a very good story, with a good twist at the end. My expectations of what was going on were way off LOL! I kept thinking the women were witches luring him into a death trap or something. Anyway, thanks for a good read, and keep up the good work!
Wow, what a story! I think you really outdid yourself on this one! With a little polishing, this could easily become a professional-grade short horror story. I have read published works that weren't this good.
I did find a few minor faults with it. Aside from some random typo's, I noticed that you tend to use quite a few cliche-like metaphors. I would advise you to limit the use of these as much as possible. Here are a few examples of what I mean:
"...and her flight or fight reaction was kicking in like a sledgehammer through ice."
"She shook all over with it like a can of paint in a mixer."
"...and racing after her like dogs at a fake bunny on a track."
These metaphors, while describing your point, really contrast with the narration. They jarred me out of the story and reminded me that I was reading, and not really there. Stephen King made a point in On Writing that lines like that only really work in 1940's Private Detective style stories, where the main character narrates the whole thing. Otherwise, they should generally be left alone in serious writing.
That being said, I think this is a fantastic story. Your use of description is quite vivid, both with the background scenery and with the characters and their feelings. I really fell into the story, and that means you did a good job writing it. Since most people shy away from items of this length, and in the interests of drawing more readers, perhaps you might break this down into 4 or 5 chapters within a folder. I just hate to see such an awesome story go relatively unread. I also think you should try to get this published in a horror anthology somewhere. It is definitely good enough! I am very impressed with your work, way to go!
Awesome folder!! I can't wait for the next addition, you do incredible work! You have a very smooth and hiliarious way with words, and I really like your style. Every single item here was 100% enjoyable and a pleasure to read. I recommend this collection of fantastic comedy to everyone who likes to read, and to 37% of those who do not like to read Great work, keep it up!
MadMan at Large
Bravo!!! I am a very proud paid member of this site. I too have heard random complaints about costs of things here and there, but I also take into consideration the age of most of the people complaining. You provide a wonderful service to us, and I do not begrudge you a cent of what I have paid. It is worth every bit and a lot more. As these kids grow older and begin supporting themselves, they will hopefully understand why some things cost, and also place a higher value on them. Bless your heart for what you do
MadMan at Large
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Great work, keep it up!