\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/ljewell
Review Requests: OFF
124 Public Reviews Given
124 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 ... Next
1
1
Review of Hidden Magic  Open in new Window.
for entry "Found" Open in new Window.
Review by Lisa Waren Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A good transition, though not without some bumps. Remember to include details like how things feel, smell, sound, etc as this helps the reader put themselves in the heroine's place.

- "The anger that had been bubbling inside her since she’d found out ..." Since she found out what? You might want to remind the reader why she's angry with him.
- "If you don’t want to come with me, whilst I’m still giving you a chance. Giving you stupid sympathy." This part is very confusing. I'm not sure if its a punctuation problem or if something was cut in editing that made it not make sense.
- "feeling the resistant’s of the ropes" Resistance is the wrong word for what you're going for here. I think you want something more like "constraint" or something about how tight or rough they are.
- "But this was so unlike her." What made her so different and unrecognizable?
2
2
Review of Hidden Magic  Open in new Window.
for entry "Danger" Open in new Window.
Review by Lisa Waren Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Interesting. Good balance of action and emotional drama.

- "surrounding the huge tree’s" trees
- "looked the same, dry" ; not ,
- "Rosie hid behind a wide, wooden tree trunk ..." In this paragraph you keep referring to the cloaked figure as "it" though you'd already identified the figure as a woman in the previous paragraph. Didn't really care for calling her "it" as it was jarring.
- "defenceless," defenseless;
- "vibrated off the tree’s" trees
- "its evil left her weak and defenceless" defenseless
- "back in a second’s flat" second
- "sent the evil figure ablaze" set
- "past out at the moment" passed
3
3
Review of Hidden Magic  Open in new Window.
for entry "Lies" Open in new Window.
Review by Lisa Waren Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I like that the action seems to be getting a kick in the pants. Well done.

- "Sat at the desk" sitting
- "Her thoughts screamed and screeched at her" feels repetitive
- "the two of the immortal" two immortal ... also, Lorraine is immortal?
- "He was stood beside Rosie" standing
- "she’d remained sat on it" sitting
- "the table’s turn" tables
- "So many vampires’s to keep" vampires
- “Do me a favour" favor
4
4
Review of Hidden Magic  Open in new Window.
for entry "Key" Open in new Window.
Review by Lisa Waren Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I can see why you would want this chapter to stand alone. I like the introduction of the mystery woman at the end. Well done.

- "A world of secrets and discreet.” The word discreet doesn't really work here.
- "If my family hadn’t have come here" hadn't come here
- "Her ankle was slightly swollen." Swelling and bruising would take longer to appear.
- "a pair of fitting black jeans" Do you mean "fitted"?
- "On her feet matching boots." incomplete sentence
5
5
Review of Hidden Magic  Open in new Window.
for entry "Truth" Open in new Window.
Review by Lisa Waren Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I can see you pulling it back onto the main topic (nicely done), though I would have thought Shane would tell Amber so that there would be less chance of Rosie getting caught doing so.

- "information on this Charles’s guy" Charles
- "been sat on the grass" sitting
- "the last time she’d been in this room she’d almost died" I thought that happened in the kitchen? Am I misremembering?
- "Ancient usually means very old" it always means that.
6
6
Review of Hidden Magic  Open in new Window.
for entry "The Forest" Open in new Window.
Review by Lisa Waren Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I like that Shane is finally getting a clue. This was a sweet scene between the two of them, though it still feels like Amy has been forgotten.

- "weren’t sat with Amber" sitting
- "scared of her that was because" her. That
- "she was still stood there" standing
- "she wasn’t stood there because" standing
- "her heart thumping mentally in her chest" The word "mentally" doesn't belong here. Makes no sense.
- "She did." It took me a second to understand what it was that she did. You might want to clarify this.
- "pointed to right in front of him" to the right
- "The flowers were aluminous colours" Did you mean "luminous shades"?
- "lake that led around" A lake wouldn't lead anywhere. A stream maybe?
- "fishes" fish
- "hyper aware" hyper-aware
- "He smiled his whole" smiled; his
- "a lot going in her head" going on
- "Then there’s Shane," Shane;
- “How do you kill a vampire?” You need to clarify who's speaking here.
- "Otherwise or you’re gonna do is knock them down for a while, if all.” Otherwise all you're ... if at all.
- "take over you" take you over
- "her hand lay" laying
7
7
Review of Hidden Magic  Open in new Window.
for entry "Charles" Open in new Window.
Review by Lisa Waren Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I like the banter between Rosie and James. Though I really thought he would give her more information as it was suggested in the letter from Charles.

- "pieces of note in her jeans" of the note
- "the town’s truants noticing her" The truants would be the kids skipping. Did you mean truant officer, or did I misunderstand the sentence?
- "this was as important as dangerous" as it was dangerous
- "if she’d find him dead on the floor" if she found him is cleaner
- "weirdly familiar hallway" I don't understand why its "weirdly" familiar. She's been there before so why is it weird this time?
- "out-doorsy" outdoorsy
- "beside Amber’s room" besides
- "by the clue it gave to his age" This part isn't necessary as its repetitive.
- "scraps of note" the note
- "shadow, of a man" no comma
- The oldest and most powerful vampire of all time is named Charles? That doesn't sound like an ancient name. Could this just be the name he's using now?
- "I can answer I don’t know a few more times.” I don't know should be in quotes.
- "as a question; she knew" Period, not semicolon. Two sentences.
- "personally; she’s crazier" Again, two sentences.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
8
8
Review of Hidden Magic  Open in new Window.
for entry "Forgiveness and Hate" Open in new Window.
Review by Lisa Waren Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Good flow and I like the interplay between the characters, but I do feel like the story has strayed from the point ... that her sister has kind of been put on the back burner.

- "charm my Mum or take me out" There should be a comma after Mum.
- “Aha. Your family seems to.” Aha (an exclamation of surprise) doesn't really fit here.
- "breath catching" breathtaking?
- I found it odd that once they got in the hall there was no mention of the teacher's hatred of Amber.
- "role her eyes" roll

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
9
9
Review of Hidden Magic  Open in new Window.
for entry "Amulet" Open in new Window.
Review by Lisa Waren Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Love the interplay between them. Especially at the end where they're teasing each other. Very well done.

- "The same street they’d headed down when their rescuing plan had commenced." At first I thought you meant Rosie and Amy because of the previous sentence about Amy. Might want to clarify who you're talking about in this sentence.
- "Shane leaded her up the stairs" led
- “The fire spreaded" spread
- "they were, trapped" no comma
- "defenceless" defenseless
- "Rosie remembered Amber telling her this vaguely the other day. " vaguely remembered not vaguely told
- "which means it, can heal you" no comma

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
10
10
Review of Hidden Magic  Open in new Window.
for entry "Motives" Open in new Window.
Review by Lisa Waren Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Well done! Loved the ending. I didn't expect Rosie to have it in her, but it was good to see her stand her ground. The main problem I see you having is that you use the same casual speech the characters use when speaking, throughout the story. What's acceptable for spoken lines, isn't always okay everywhere else. Its well written and flows very well. Keep it up!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
11
11
Review of Hidden Magic  Open in new Window.
for entry "Darkness" Open in new Window.
Review by Lisa Waren Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Its good, but feels a little rushed. You might want to consider going through and expanding a bit. Maybe she could try a few other things to wake Shane and resort to the apple when nothing else works. Maybe she could try to help James when he's laying on the floor bleeding. You could even expand on what Rosie is thinking/feeling in a few places (i.e. - the contradiction of fearing James and then fearing for him when he's hurt trying to defend her). Overall I think your writing is getting better and cleaner, but I'm afraid you might be too anxious to get to the end so you're rushing through the scenes. Don't be afraid to take a little time especially for important scenes.

- "She’d fell asleep" fallen
- When she gets the apples from the kitchen I was picturing red apples, but later you said they were green which pulled me out of the story. Maybe you could mention when she finds them that they're green so that the reader pictures them just as you do from the start.
- Why is James insulting Lorraine when his help was obtained by the promise of her help down the line?
- “Get out off of me!” Huh?
- "hurt and betray" betrayal
- "Tears sprang her eyes" sprang TO
- "tears sprang her eyes again" sprang TO

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
12
12
Review of Hidden Magic  Open in new Window.
for entry "Stranger" Open in new Window.
Review by Lisa Waren Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Doing great! The story's moving nicely and the characters are developing well. I did think you could have expanded the scene with Amber a bit. There were little hints dropped that I thought Rosie should have picked up on and pursued, but didn't. And why didn't she ask Shane any questions when he offered?

- "She teared her eyes away" tore
- "Amber was sat in her bedroom" sitting
- "threatening a persons" person's
- "found Shane sat on the couch" sitting
- "before I set him a light.” alight
13
13
Review by Lisa Waren Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Very well-written and intriguing! It flows well and the characters are quite memorable. I listed the few problems below.

- "And, though was easy" though IT was
- The section introducing and naming the three colonists is a little confusing. We hear their names and then they're referred to by their descriptives again.
- "would a grueling, thankless project" would BE
14
14
Review of Hidden Magic  Open in new Window.
for entry "An Ally" Open in new Window.
Review by Lisa Waren Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Good flow though I did find James a little confusing. He vacillates between naive and experienced. Maybe if you expanded on his character a bit his actions and reactions would make more sense.

- "other; neither of them said a thing" Should be a sentence break.
- "He smiled reassuringly, and put the key in the lock. He turned it and opened the door, ushering her inside." The step-by-step descriptions should be saved for something more exciting than opening a door.
- "Shane stared at Amber, for so long" No comma here.
- "bookcase’s" Plural, not possessive ... no apostrophe.
- "caramelised" Z not S
- "wood of the floor gleam" gleamed
- "Just, listen to me, okay?” The first comma shouldn't be there.
- "leverage to the other" to should be with
- "your injuries, I wasn’t " Should be a period instead of a comma.
15
15
Review of Hidden Magic  Open in new Window.
for entry "Scary World" Open in new Window.
Review by Lisa Waren Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
The story is moving along pretty well, though I did expect more action than just the romance.

- "She reached up and pushed the opener to the window." What opener are you referring to?
- "The gravel surrounding crunched loudly under her boots, and every time she stepped on a stray twig it snapped like a dry, broken bone." Should be 'surrounding gravel' or add the object that its surrounding afterwards. Excellent scene-setting!
- "Rosie couldn’t help but thinking" think
- "She picked up one which both its name and title caught her eye." This feels a bit awkward. Maybe change it to "one whose name and title"?
- "Rosie proceeded to the stairs that led up." Needs clarification. The stairs she just came down would now lead up so where are these stairs?
- "Rosie headed up the stairs." Given the last sentence of the previous paragraph this is repetitive.
- "opened a draw" drawer
- The part where she puts a knife in her back pocket ... if the knives are "threatening" then they most likely wouldn't fit well into a pocket and stay there.
- The part where she makes a stake out of a chair leg ... while I can see a leg just falling off an old chair, using a kitchen knife to carve it into a stake would be very difficult and time-consuming.
- "lent the half broken chair" leaned
- "one of the right-hand side rooms" This might flow better if you said something like "one of the rooms" since there are no actual rooms on the left anyway.
- How is Shane able to grab her, cover her mouth and eyes, and drag her struggling into the cupboard?
- "she could face them with him" face who?
- "was stood protectively" Need to remove the word "was"
- "candle light" one word
- "stay stood still" Need to remove the word "stood"
- "who’d be stood at the door" standing
- "stayed leant against the wall" leaned
- I'm confused as to why there was only the one vampire in the house when they'd heard two talking before.
16
16
Review of The Vulture  Open in new Window.
Review by Lisa Waren Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I did expect more of a Star Trek feel to it. In fact, I don't think I would have known it was a Star Trek story if I hadn't read the description . The conversation at the end of the first section gets a little muddled as to who's talking. I was a little confused how the buzzard flew away at the end when he was supposed to be in a cage on the transporter pad. Overall, flowed well and had good character development, though the ending was very sad.

**Dream Team In-Group Review Reward**
17
17
Review of Hidden Magic  Open in new Window.
for entry "Plan" Open in new Window.
Review by Lisa Waren Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Doing good. Most of your problems are still very minor. The story itself is moving along nicely.

- "and put a freezing pack of frozen peas on her head." Feels repetitive.
- Maybe I missed it, but I thought she only injured the back of her head. How did there come to be a cut on her forehead?
- "practice she’d tried" Should be "had" not "tried"
- "They were sat at the kitchen table, with lots of blood stained towels and water." Sitting not sat and blood-stained.
- You need to add spaces before and after each ellipsis.
- "anger driven" anger-driven
- "clock, which" no comma
- "five, fifteen" five-fifteen
- "looped her arm through hers" A little confusing. "Rosie's arm through hers" would flow easier.
- “I’m a witch;" Should be a sentence break here.
- "I know you’re worried, I am too, he’s my cousin and I love him with all his quirky glory, but I can’t leave you, so...” Major run on sentencing.
- "it’s dangerous, they are vampires" That comma should be a sentence break.
- "and you and missy" extra and?
- "The house... or mansion" Not sure an ellipsis is right here. commas around "or mansion" would make more sense.
- "double, cherry wooded" double cherry-wooded
- "dark light" Maybe dim light?
- "rainbow coloured" colored
- "strappy matching vest" matching strappy vest ... though I'm not sure what a strappy vest is.
- "protect myself, you" run on sentence
- "Stay here, I will find" another run on
- "a tighter around her" a little tighter?
- "next time Amber" comma between time and Amber.
18
18
Review of Hidden Magic  Open in new Window.
for entry "First Encounter " Open in new Window.
Review by Lisa Waren Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Flows well and good pacing.

- "at the sight of Amber sat on the floor" Should be sitting (this happens multiple times in this chapter).
- "close together, and, well...she" There shouldn't be a comma after 'and' and there should be spaces around the ellipsis (this same thing occurs multiple times in this chapter).
- "she had her eyebrow’s rose" Should read "she had her eyebrows raised"
- "In the short time she’d known Shane, she knew he was a calm guy most of the time, except when there’d been danger or suspicion on her part around, other than that he’d been a perfectly laid back and funny guy." 'Around' should be after danger and the comma after that should be a sentence break.
- "candle lit" Should be one word.
- "After Amber had took" taken
- "Rosie was like a freaked out of her mind observer, stood in the doorway that led into the kitchen." This sentence is awkward. I'm not sure if its the grammar or what.
- "Rosie was guessing the answer wasn’t that Amy had been captured by friendly Vampire tooth fairies. Awesome." Just had to say I loved this bit! Very funny.
- "clock struck six, until then" run on sentence
- "bad or anything, they must" another run on
- "Her heartbeat went more rapid than ever before, and her heartbeat tripled in beats a lot lately." This sentence seems a bit stiff.
- "So much she was surprised " Unless you want to attach this to the previous sentence with a semicolon then you need to clarify the beginning. As it is it doesn't make sense.
- "He breathed the air" 'breathed in the air' might be clearer.
- "for him to of wrote" 'to have written'
- "screaming help for Shane and Amber" 'screaming for help from'
- "pushed at lightenening speed across the room, and pushed" Feels repetitive.
- "doors hinges rattle with impact" door's
- "hair, when she brought her hand back down and looked at her fingers; she saw they were covered in blood." Sentence break after hair. Shouldn't be any punctuation after fingers.
- "cold as ice, “all that I’ve" Sentence break instead of comma.
- "Then the word" world
19
19
Review of Hidden Magic  Open in new Window.
for entry "Location Spell" Open in new Window.
Review by Lisa Waren Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Good scene though you might want to find ways to up the suspense.

- "It rattled slightly and Rosie felt a tear prick her eyes as for the billionth time in the last two days she read over the words Best sister." There should be a comma before "for the billionth" and after "two days".
- "ten, thirty" No comma here.
- "ended up stood" Should be standing not stood.
- "; Mum had installed them the other day because of Amy’s disappearance" The semicolon at the beginning should be a comma, and the sentence shouldn't be italicized.
- "swung it open, revealing" No comma here.
- "living room, carrying" No comma here.
- “I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to be rude.” This should be two sentences.
- After Shane's apology it jumps to Rosie coming back with cokes, but there's no mention of her leaving the room or anything. Its a little disorienting.
- "A moment later when Amber lifted up her hand the symbol was copied onto there, an exact replica of the one in the book." This is a little awkward. Is the dirt now in the shape of the symbol, or is the symbol imprinted or something? Also, between there and an should be a semicolon instead of a comma.
- “It’s best for you to do this right, since water’s your thing?” This might work better written "It's best for you to do this, right? Since water's your thing."
- “Next Amber" There should be a comma between these two words.
- “‘Fire, I command you to burn all the tracks to which hide the owner of this bracelet’.” Tracks which (no to) and you've got extra punctuation around this sentence.
- "flame of the candle’s" candles
- "here today, we ask" run on sentence.
- "from the mud, the water" run on sentence
- "towel lay beside her" laid
20
20
Review of Hidden Magic  Open in new Window.
for entry "The Spell Book" Open in new Window.
Review by Lisa Waren Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Its a good scene, but it feels a little rushed. Wasn't Amber supposed to be looking for Amy? Why is Rosie not asking her what she found out?

- "She was still sat" The word 'was' shouldn't be there.
- "shoved aside him" Should read "shoved him aside"
- "placing the book on gently Rosie’s lap" Should be "gently on"
- The time between Shane reluctantly agreeing and him playing a game on the x-box is awfully fast, and I don't understand why he would be playing a game during such a critical moment.
- The tickling scene is funny, but I'm not sure about the whole "coming up behind her". It would make more sense if she's laughing and doesn't see him lunge.
21
21
Review of Hidden Magic  Open in new Window.
for entry "History" Open in new Window.
Review by Lisa Waren Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A short one, but well done. You might consider adding something about her being nervous about being alone in Shane's apartment with him. Given her attraction, I was expecting something of that and was surprised it wasn't there.

- "but he seemed to regain present and carry on" There should be a "the" in there.
- "news about the vampire’s" plural, not possessive
22
22
Review of Dreamscape  Open in new Window.
Review by Lisa Waren Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Stunning visuals! A very moving and powerful voice. Sounds like a love letter written by a poet.
23
23
Review of Walk  Open in new Window.
Review by Lisa Waren Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Very well done! Simple and brief, but packed with sentimental feelings and evocative imagery. Considering this is your first (still the only?) love poem, its an excellent beginning.

In the first stanza you have them beginning a relationship, but walking toward a setting sun seems more like an ending.
It may be just me, but you might consider changing the order of the stanzas so that it progresses from "Take my hand ..." to "We're too young ..." then "Stay with me ..." and "You are always ..." and finally "So if you'll walk ..." This way it would feel more like the natural progression of blooming love.

Dream Team In-House Reward Review
24
24
Review by Lisa Waren Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
A great kick in the pants for anytime you start slacking or making excuses! Can't wait to read what you've got so far. Don't be afraid to go ahead and post the first few chapters now and start getting feedback. The sooner you do, you might find that the suggestions you get will cause a ripple effect of changes in later chapters that you can take care of before you post them. Good luck!

Dream Team In-House Review Reward
25
25
Review of Living in a Globe  Open in new Window.
Review by Lisa Waren Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Dream Team HQ  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Interesting if a bit of a bleak outlook. It does make me think of those famous lines from Shakespeare's As You Like It, "All the world's a stage, And all the men and women merely players ..." though this seems to have a more pessimistic view. Its well written and has good flow, though rather sad which was probably what you were going for.

Dream Team In-House Reward Review
44 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 2 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/ljewell