Interesting essay, and of course, interesting topic. What you are discussing is displayed very clearly and understandably. The writing is eas enough to follow, but just sophisticated enough not to be too colloquial. Some of the points. like health, are explained thoroughly, yet many of the paragraphs lack a specific, concrete example to help the reader understand. Also, i did not quite understand your wealthy v.s. rich explanation so well, so perhaps that can be cleaned-up and clarified.
Overall good job, your point is clear and evident and your diction simple and enjoyable.
-L
Cute, plesant story. It was obvious that someone was going to come- perhaps Linda- although i don't know if that was inevitable or not. All the background information that was given is just sort of plopped on us. It is good that that info dump was not in the beginning, but it still is there. Perhaps it can be taken out or spread throughout the stor so that is does not feel so clumped and dumped.
Also, when Linda is at the door, the response of Stephen sounds as if he is speaking to the reader and it makes everything obivous. Perhaps a less noticed sign of his love would be better.
Cute, keep up the writing
I enjoyed this poem very much. There were lots of unique objects and events that described silence that there was much to think about.
Some of the first letters of lines are capitalized and i am not sure why.
Perhaps my favourite is the colour grey being compared to silence. That one really made me think. Also interesting is a lie as silence when a lie is generally considered spoken word. That line rings a "strange" bell in my head and makes me wonder.
Deep and philosophical- i love it =]
It is cute, interesting, and entertaining. The story is simple and expresses temptation in a very down to the point and typical manner. I feel theere could have been a different view on temptation for you to address. This, although cleverly written, nonetheless feels like the same old view upon the emotion.
Good Luck =]
The pome is very simple and nice. It expresses what you wish it to express. There a few lines that stick out from the rest of the poem because they are longer and perhaps can be broken down into two or more lines or shortened.
Also the entire poem is background information for a question, thus i feel that a question mark is needed. Short, sweet, simple- good job =]
Stanzas 1, 2, and 4 are powerful, but i feel the ardour began to seep away for the others or they were just fillers. I love the way you mention suicide casually (when discussing pills and drinks), not in the usual melodramatic "To be or not to be" sort of way. The line that speaks of despair destroying logic, "Unclear thoughts filled with pain consume my intellect" is both thought- provoking and a very curious and careful thing to say. It interests the reader to read more.
"Life is so unfair" is so overused a phrase that it seems shallow when it is used. Even if the speaker truly feels that way, there are other, more creative ways to express that thought. Also, the repeated, "at hand" sticks out and perhaps is some wording to change.
Refreshing, creative view of on despair- or should i say depressing, exhausting poem (in a good way hee)
The poem started out really strong and powerful, however i felt that the second half kind off drifted off topic and you did not bring the stanzas full circle. I feel like the two halves of the poem are separate poems even though the lines "from my ink because/i am not brilliant" span a bridge across the two halves. There seems to be a need for a clearer, more evident message in the last part.
Also, in the last stanza, the first line brings in the second person "you." This could be a powerful tool, but i felt like the "you" was simply thrown in at random. The image in the last stanza is absolutely stunning, but i feel that there is room to expand on it with more creeativ exciting words.
Love you beginning, happy editing - if you should be so inclined- and adieu.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/liolli
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.10 seconds at 4:07am on Nov 14, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
