Perhaps it was unwise of me to read and review this chapter without having read the first, but the title lured me right in and I was reading before I knew it! That being said, I want to compliment you on your descriptive skills, making it very easy and comfortable to read along. It is also great to see such diversity among the guards' personalities. Not all are like Mitch, because then there's Barker who is somewhat nice or at least sympathetic and that gives the story a realistic touch while subconsequently highlighting how truly mean Mitch is. Good job!
A few points of attention in these sentences, however:
– After a long and drawn out argument between the guards,, a lean, short guard steps up, pushing his way through the thicket, and the rest follow.
You seem to have placed a double comma between 'the guards,, a lean,' – just wanted to inform you of that!
- Just when I think I’m gonna get lucky, almost like a puppet string, the skinny guards head snaps towards me.
The word 'guards' is read as a plural form here, but I assume you meant to write 'guard's'?
- 12 eyes are instantly glued on me, making me feel extremely awkward.
Numerals don't start a sentence. You can easily replace '12' with 'twelve' or find another way to start the sentence: 'A total of 12 eyes', see?
- Mitch starts, rising up and slowly walking to me..
- I pause, leaning in closer to the guard and lowering my voice.
There are two dots after these sentences, either you used one too many or want to build in suspense. This is uncertain to me, but gramatically incorrect.
Good luck on your next chapter! I'm hoping Steele finds a way out!
They are two fools indeed, to suggest to poke their eyes out! Well, at least Scott seems to be a little bit brighter. Poor Oberon. I came in contact with Cthulhu and Lovecraft just recently and this feels to me like a legit scene in any Cthulhu based story where his followers await their master even when uncertain of his appearance and what might follow when they do meet. I loved their choice of words, very sophisticated and of that time, well done!
Definitely didn't see that one coming! It shows how selfish people can be (only thinking about their own life and what a waste of time this jury duty truly is) depending on their gender and current state of mind. Wonderful to see that in the end, the judge does arrive but instead of them all finally going to do what they were called for, to be dismissed because of greater and more important things: the accident with the Twin Towers. Dun dun dun.. how small and idiotic I would feel if I'd been one of those whining people. Total shocker and amusing, with a sense of 'hah, thought you were important, did you?'. Very well written.
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