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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/lilpaul
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Review by LilPaul Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi there, this is a contest piece right?

As far as embarrassment goes, this is pretty crimson. It is well written, with no obvious spelling/grammar mistakes.

Perhaps you could have included a bit more depth, describing you emotions and reactions to the scenarios a bit more. A bit more background information would have been nice as well, like yours and your sister's age. it must be embarrassing for your Dad to catch his daughter in her "keks" at the best of times let alone slightly damp ones, but a six year can carry innocence in a situation like this, that a fifteen year old can't. This alone will earn a few extra empathy points from the reader.

Good though, I enjoyed reading. It's usually me that his stuff happens to.

Cheers
Paul
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Review by LilPaul Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi there "And Stuff"

I read through your work "Mexican Dancing Llamas" and thought I'd include a review.

I like the way you've attempted to write this story, but I'm not sure it's there yet. It seems to come across as a conversation in a bar, when your friend is telling you what he got up to over the weekend. That's fine, it's your style of writing and believe me I love a ranting sense of humour but the drawback is the depth of the characters. Usually, if this was a conversation in a bar you'd have a knowledge of the people the storyteller is talking about, the affiliation is already there. However, when writing like that the reader doesn't have a clue who you'er on about. You're selling your characters as a wild bunch who'd do anything for a good time, knowing no limits but you've got to prove this to the reader. It's like you're writing in admiration of this gang and expecting everyone to take your word for it.

Also it seemed to lack structure from time to time, however organisation crept in towards the end.

All in all though I liked it, I feel personally with a bit of tweaking and editing it would be a lot better read.

Cheers
Paul
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