Never went to Nam, but dealt with a lot of guys who came back from there, and yes, they were messed up.
Military and more importantly, congress just wished for them to go away. A lot were denied medical treatment(s) because they "didn't qualify" according to congress.
But that is why we write stories. To remember how our government treated us when the "call to war eventually comes around again"
An interesting read. Of course, everyone has their own opinion about this, but what bothers me the most is the extremism which most will apply to it. I myself, understand that if a person is gay or Bi or (the list is long and nauseating). So be it. But to ram it down MY throat and tell me I'M messed up in my thinking and not even consider WHY I think the way I do, well, makes me lose all respect for their argument. Your article explains what you feel about the extremism of the LGBTQ and how they don't present a more fair assessment of values they hold as truth.
I understand they now are presenting pedophilia as a normal condition. I totally disagree and would argue to the death of me against this horrific idea.
The article did its job, it made me "think" where this is going.
You have some very good material here and your descriptions were vivid on the emotions this person was feeling. A constant "good vs evil" will of theirs.
Would have liked to see it in paragraph form, but I understand you were just trying to get the storyline down.
Keep writing! This could very well end up as a novel!
I like your storyline, it's a great idea.
Some parsing might help, for example:
"I wondered where my wife went. I knew she had to work tonight, but she should be home by now. I wandered aimlessly through the house, for I could not sit still. I heard a car door slam and I wondered who was at the door. "
Maybe
I wondered where my wife went. Where is she?
She had to work tonight, but she should be home by now.
I wandered aimlessly through the house, for I could not sit still.
Just a suggestion, nothing more. The story did have exactly what you were trying to achive: suspense.
I like the theme. The reach for the emotions felt when leaving as opposed to when you were first there.
Only thing I would've liked to see was more backstory. Better job? Escape from a hurtful situation? What drew you back?
Does not have to be lengthy, just a hint what caused you to be there or leaving.
A very good read...wish it was longer. Maybe more of the background of his wife with occasional interruptions from the AI, then mention of the fact the computer was a remnant of his dead wife. Just suggestion.
Good Story! I like your ending and the lead up to it. Maybe some more background to "flesh" it out and emotional state between captain and diver. (I'm always being asked the same thing, but I just want to get the storyline down first).
All I can say is you have a great knack for story writing. Some grammatical errors (we all have them). Those pesky than's keep creeping up.
Good story! Would like to read this one if it develops into a novel. Only comment is the beginning sentence I would've like more description.
Example (and only a suggestion)"I stepped outside the batwing doors onto the dusty street. It was well lit from the noonday sun, but the wind was creating dust devils that flowed up and down from my vantage point. I paused, looking up and down the road, checking for trouble I always knew was hiding somewhere."
I always like "fresh eyes" to look at my stuff and make suggestions, some really rock my world!
A good story! The flow was excellent with detail enough, but not overbearing. Maybe a little more direction on the theft part, or how he concluded the significance of the theft story in the paper.
Otherwise, I expected something would be a lost with the spectacles, but the end still caught me by surprise. Kudos on that!
Liked the story, or what I could read of it. The words are being chopped off and fonts are not appearing as they should be. If you could fix these, I would be more interested in reviewing your story.
This usually is not my gerne, but reading the story did draw me in...
The style you write with is excellent! Although you fess no plan, the flow was complete with each sentence and paragraph supporting each as the story progressed.
Only suggestion is maybe a different font to show the change from awake to dream state.
"Pink smooth lips" kinda threw me, maybe "smooth pink lips parting, flashing pearl white teeth" might be better.
Just suggestions, nothing bad in what you have now.
Hi, my handle is Lightspeed555 and I would like the opportunity to rate your story.
First off: Your Title was eye catching and related to the story. So many stories I've read where the title holds promise, then the story disappoints.
I like the naming of your characters. they fit with each persona as you described them. This made the story flow without me having to stumble over them.
Your use of "street language" for Rutio (or accent, whatever you may call it) was well written in it's prose.
Only nags I found: Use of capitals in mid sentence, they were distracting from the story (or did you intend it that way?)
Short sentences or sentences that should be combined:
e.g. "The buildings were arranged in neat rows within the city walls and were stacked, in some places, atop one another. Forming tall narrow towers."
Maybe: "The buildings were arranged in neat rows within the city walls. They formed tall narrow towers of varied heights, some slender as jutting spears while others appeared stacked atop one another.
The distinguishing fact (and most important) though the whole story: It held my interest and took me into the world you described. Well done!
This story caught my eye with the mention of Cartesian doubt; kudos for that.
I liked your story for several reasons:
You have paragraphs! Surprising how many do not use them. You actually have a beginning, middle and end!
This, in particular with the subject and structure of the story, was a good feat to pull of. you present a rambling but it had structure and a logic to it.
Only bad part I could see is maybe some rewrite for better clarification. First sentence was a run on, needs some division.
In the beginning an age reference might help also.
E.G. "Martin thought about how he should probably be playing tennis". Maybe "At the tender age of 30, Martin thought about how he should probably be playing tennis". Might set the tone better.
Your story has a tinge of Douglas Adams to it, and that isn't easy to pull off.
Thanks for story! And, as always, the above are only suggestions, not meant to criticize.
I believe you have a great concept here, maybe a little more with the font change would help.
I would go up 2 points on each sentence until you hit your crescendo sentence of "Will you listen? Will you read it? Will you speak and tell me what you feel?"
Then back down 2 points each sentence after, or maybe alternate small and large fonts.
A few commas to help emphasize; e.g."It is time to embrace what can be changed, not what was perceived".
I liked the story...don't know why, but I have known people who get "a cheap thrill" out the little things in life. maybe doing bad makes them feel good, and your story hits the nail on the head with its descriptions. Keep up the good work.
Very Good! Like the parsing and flow of the story, first paragraph could use some comma to break up the long sentences, but otherwise a fine read. I assume this is going to be a novel, yes?
Good Luck and I will follow this to see further developments.
"There are no original ideas", or some have told me. "Someone else has already written it", as I've heard that phrase time and again. I'm amazed when I read of stories written hundreds of years ago with the same story line as mine but...when you tell in your own words, with your perceptions and concepts, well, it's not the same story is it.
It is said there are 100 billion planets out there, all classified in their neat little groups. But in the end, no one can claim they are identical in every way. That's why we keep searching, exploring and discovering things.
We may walk the same path time and again, but we still find something new each time! Thus, your writings contain a part of you and that is why you should write.
Very good, I like how you portrayed the gentleman being "vamped" (for lack of a better word), then becoming aware of being played (maybe a line or two saying he was used for money, power, etc.)
Only objection "For the knowledge you have taught me proved everything else wronger." You seemed to be struggling here.
Maybe
"For the knowledge taught me everything that's wrong of her"
Again, all are suggestions and not meant to discourage.
Hello, electric dreams bounce in my head until one escapes thru the front portal as speech. People have always looked at me as anything but normal. Too bad for them as the fun is in here and not out there. All's well with the tide, as I feel its movement beneath my feet. I will turn now and leave with remembering how came and went. (freestyle thought, told I should try it sometime)
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/lightspeed555
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.12 seconds at 4:08am on Nov 08, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "