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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/leiar
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Four short criticisms:
Firstly, I noticed a few grammatical errors, such as
"...her confidence also began to blossom, she would issue orders to me as a toddler, and..."
Most of them sound like you kind of lost the original train of thought in a particular sentence, and just kind of kept on going. Not horrible, it just makes it a little peculiar to read.
Second of all sometimes it seems like Aubrey is acting like an 11-year old, even though according to the math, she would be 17, and you call her 16. I don't know how old you are, but if your own age varies greatly from hers, I suggest one of two things: either a) make her closer to your own age, or b)think about someone you know who is that age, possible even ask them how they might react in a given situation.
Thirdly the point of view is a little confusing at times. Again, not horrible, just a little peculiar for your reader.
One other thing I noticed:I personally think you could stand a little more description. Its a little hard to picture the scenery.
Other than that, great story! I like how it doesn't follow the conventional path for a fairy tale, or a tale about fairies. And you've got some good twists in there, and I really like your characters.
All in all, well worth the time to read. Although this review might leave a bit of a bad impression, please don't take it that way. I know I appreciate any advice someone can give me, even and especially they think its a wonderful story(which yours is), and I try to treat others how I would want to be treated. Anyway, I hope that's useful for you! *Smile*
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