What I liked:
Great description. I especially liked your description of the old pub. The setting is believable and it suits the characters and the story. It creates a special mood which is true to life.
Daniel is a well developed and sympathetic character. He takes the reader on a journey through his memories.
The story runs along at a good pace and comes to a satisfying ending. I liked the idea of the note. It's a good way to end such an emotional story.
Suggestions:
(Remember:This is only my opinion. If you do not find it helpful, please ignore)
It is better to put thoughts in italics to distinguish them from dialogue.
he has decided to grow -had
I'm not sure about the title. Sundancing is not really a word and I don't see how it fits the content.
Overall:
I liked it. I look forward to reading more of your work.
Keep writing!
Cheers
Lani
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What I liked:
Good opening paragraph. It raises questions which compel the reader to read on.
Good description to set the scene.
Your main character is well developed and believable. The reader can feel his confusion and how desperate he is to remember.
A good, satisfying ending.
Suggestions:
(This is only my opinion. If you do not find this useful, please ignore.)
I found it a bit slow in the beginning. You raise some questions in the intro and the reader is anxious to find the answers. While I liked the description at the start, I did think it was a bit excessive, the more I read. If something is not absolutely necessary for characterization or the action, it just disrupts the flow of the short story.
Overall:
I liked the character, setting and story, but I think it could use a little revision.
What I liked:
The title suits the content perfectly. I loved the message. It is a very emotional story.
Your characters are well developed and believable.
I liked the ending. It is a little sad, but the main character grows and learns a life lesson.
Suggestions:
(This is only my opinion, if you don’t agree, please ignore)
Some sentences a very long. Read it aloud to yourself. Shortening them will improve readability and flow.
Overall:
I liked it. It’s a simple, sweet, character-driven story with a good message.
What I liked:
The main character proves the point I made earlier about your protagonists. They share certain characteristics. For example, they each have a very definite non-conformist world-view, which they stand by. I would almost call them 'outsiders'.
Penny is not the typical heroine, which is fitting, because it's not a typical story. It's refreshing.
The dialogue is authentic. It's not an easy thing to do.
Suggestions:
This is only my opinion. If you don't find it useful, please ignore.
Kurt Vonnegut Short Story Rule:
Every sentence should do one of two things: aid characterization or advance the action.
I would make the scene at the bus stop, before she meets Mark, shorter. You have to decide what is absolutely necessary.
The description of her idea could be condensed into one paragraph. (It's a little long and tedious to read through.)
Do not touch the dialogue!
Overall:
You already know that I'm a fan!
Thanks for the encouragement and good advice.
What I liked:
The title is appropriate. The protagonist's aversion to human interaction creates very funny moments when he is confronted by the “culture”.
The introduction allows the reader into the mind of the character who is well developed and believable as a Holocaust survivor. This sets the mood for the rest of the story.
The setting suits the characters and situation.
Good pace. It runs along nicely with the climax at the right time.
I found it strange that he changed his mind so easily, but I guess that's the power of the “stuff”. His acid-trip was hilarious!
Suggestions:
I truly have no suggestions for improvement- except for the typo in the description.
Overall:
There is a consistency of style and character development in every story that I've read. Your strange sense of humor is evident in every piece. I find your work very original.
What I liked:
This is a very emotional piece of fiction. The title suits the content as the protagonist will undoubtedly not forget the event.
The characters are well developed and believable. The protagonist is a very sympathetic character, especially because of the innocence of his actions. His feelings about the rare encounter allow the reader to experience it with him. The dialogue is authentic.
The setting is true to life and it suits the characters and the situation, but it is less important.
Good pace. It runs along nicely with the climax at the right time.
Description is minimal, but functional. Not a word is wasted.
The ending is well hidden and unexpected. Your final sentence is a beautiful conclusion to the story.
Suggestions:
I truly have no suggestions. Another reviewer might not agree. I apologize if this is not helpful. I would personally not change a thing.
Overall:
It is a simple yet poignant story. I look forward to reading more of your work.
What I liked:
Good hook! I’m a great fan of stories that explore mental illness. Your main character is very well developed and believable. The reader is never certain whether or not he is delusional. His own uncertainty makes the twist ending very surprising.
Suggestions:
Personally, I would separate paragraphs with spaces to improve readability. brother – brothers
Overall:
Great story! I look forward to reading more of your work.
What I liked: Interesting ending. Interesting idea. I see that you've revised the whole story. I read it and typed up a whole review for the old version. I don't know who gave you these pointers, but they helped you a lot. The biggest part of my old review makes no sense anymore. I actually really like your brand new story.
Sugggestions: could have woken a man from a comma- coma.
plummeted, they both died. – and
Years later the Cold war ends, the wall falls, and I was released. – (use the same tense throughout the sentence.)
Diligently- used twice to describe the actions of 2 different characters.
Overall:
Thank the person who told you to make the revisions. You have a very good story now.
What I liked:
Good description to set the scene in the intro. The hook in the opening paragraph. Good ending to the first part. Characters are well-developed.
Suggestions:
Spelling and typos: hystria -hysteria, biege -beige, cieling -ceiling, appetities-appetites, coporate -corporate, cannabilism -cannibalism, hachet -hatchet Illustrating the with his hands- this
Be careful not to overuse –ly adverbs.
Your story is a bit slow in parts. There are unnecessary descriptions which obstruct the flow of the story. (for example: the detailed description of the brandy bottle; the explanation of how Humphrey puts the cigarette box down)
What I liked: Good introduction and description. I liked the twist ending.
Suggestion: If you don't find this helpful, please ignore.
When the speaker changes, start a new paragraph. Keep each character's dialogue and actions separate. I found your second and third paragraphs a little difficult to read, because of the length.
Thoughts are thought, not spoken. It is more acceptable to use italics to differentiate between dialogue and thought.
What I liked: Good intro- it made me want to read the rest.
I like your main character- she's not afraid to break the rules.
Suggestions:
If you don't find this useful, please ignore.
as if her speaking was a somewhat inconstant occurrence.(and it was). I would just say "because" and skip the and it was
clang! - the word is defined as 'a loud sound' so there is no need for the ! in the middle of the sentence.
she let those parts leak into the now boiling hot pan. Which parts?
Overall: Your piece carries a good message about embracing new experiences. I'm just not convinced that a family in such a deep rut would be so eager to try new things. This is just my personal opinion.
What I liked: This is a sweet and really emotional story. So many stories claim to be inspirational, but fail. This one is beautiful. You wasted no words and went straight to your message. Your characters are believable. Description is used sparingly, but with purpose. There are no decorations to distract the reader and obstruct the flow. It is a complete story told in very few words.
Suggestions: I noticed no grammatical errors. The only thing I don't understand is the capitalization of random words in the middle of sentences.
What I liked: Mostly good pace and flow. Good description-your hissing demon is creepy! I liked the ending, but I feel like the story should not end there.
Suggestions: A few typing/spelling errors I noticed: breifly - briefly wether - whether i-I deterriate - deteriorate dissapeared - disappeared
Also, description is good to set the scene, but too much unnecessary information (in describing the girl) slows the story down and makes the reader lose interest.
Overall: I liked it. I think this story should continue.
What I liked: Cute story. As a teacher, I sometimes think that all seven-year old kids have special powers! This is a beautiful father-daughter relationship.
Suggestions: I would suggest removing all the unnecessary information. If it doesn't explain character, or advance the action, it makes the reader lose interest.
"I don’t know who is playing this but it certainly isn't me!"- Keep the same tense throughout the sentence.
Overall: I think this is a really sweet story. I would suggest revising to refine it.
I hope to read more of your work!
Keep writing
Cheers
Lani
What I liked: Your opening paragraph sets the scene beautifully. Good plot and pacing. It's a familiar tale, but told in such a unique setting and with so much care and emotion, that it becomes brand new. Very memorable!
Suggestions: Not much.
"there was now a hole in its right corner"
What I liked: I had a very clear picture of the character Angela. There is a good, but unpolished idea in there.
Suggestions: (just a few errors I noticed)
"When he was a little boy her mother used to..." = When she
"All those treatment..."= treatments
"This remained Angela of..." = reminded
"He quick walk around the hospital ..." = She quickly walked around the hospital..."
Some advice:(Ignore if you don't find this useful)
1. Every sentence should do one of two things: reveal character or advance the action.
2. Start as close to the end as possible.
This review must not discourage you. I suggest reading and reviewing the work of others. I am also new here and I've already learned a lot (e.g. what the reader likes) by reading and reviewing.
Keep practising! Keep writing! I look forward to reading more of your work.
As an adult I was simply captivated by the fantasy world you created and coloured -and in so few words!. The main character was very believable and rounded. The action kept my attention throughout.
There was no technical errors that I could notice.
It stands alone as a short story or could perhaps even be expanded into a novel.
Overall: I am very much looking forward to reading more of your work.
What I liked: I liked your story. It started off very well. Beautifully descriptive.
Suggestions: Then you changed the tense. Why? Also, you have spelling mistakes: ‘drunkingly’- drunkenly, ‘piecing’ – piercing. And too many punctuation errors to mention.
Overall: I think if you revise a few more times to fix all the technical mistakes, you will have a very good story here.
What I liked: Good description. It is interesting to see the second person narrative. Not many people use it.
Suggestions: (I hope this is helpful! Please ignore if it's not!)
This can’t really be categorized as a short story. The essential ingredient in plot is conflict. A short story plot has 5 parts:
1- Introduction (where you introduce your characters and setting.)
2- RISING ACTION (things become complicated and conflict is revealed)
3- CLIMAX (the highest point of interest and the turning point. The reader wonders what will happen next: will the conflict be resolved?)
4- FALLING ACTION (the complications begin to resolve themselves)
5- DENOUEMENT (this is the final outcome)
Overall: This can perhaps be a scene from something more complete.
What I liked: This is not easy! I’ve tried (and failed) to write a complete story only dialogue. I liked the overall concept of the conversation.
Suggestions:
I was a little confused in the beginning. I would only start a new paragraph when the speaker changes. I found it difficult to figure out who was speaking. Also, I know ALL CAPS is a preference thing (and some readers have to be led) but I found them distracting.
Overall: Congrats!
Cheers!
Lani.
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