Hello there Amanda Panda. I see that you are new to Writing.com, so let me first welcome you to our community. There is a lot to offer here at WDC and if I canhelp you in any way, don't hesitate to drop me a message.
Getting into the story, it's obvious that you have a lot of passion for writing, which is good. However, this particular piece needs a little work.
Starting with the title. "Emo," in popular culture, has come to describe a stereotype that is balked at by many. The word carries with it a very negative connotation, and so I suggest changing the name. Not too many people will take a story seriously if it is titled "Emo."
Moving on, there are a lot of spelling, grammar, structure, and mechanical errors. Writing.com has an excellent spell check program that can clear some of this up. In addition, you can learn about other types of mechanical errors just by reading and paying attention to other stories.
On to the plot. First off, the main character needs to be retooled. We don't know enough about her to make any firm judgements, but so far she is well on her way to becoming what is called a "Mary-Sue." A Mary-Sue is a type of character that is perfect and humanly flawless.
The character's name is the first indication of being a Mary-Sue. "Yazakara" is a very exotic name. A tip for writing: avoid exotic names. Unless this story is actually taking place IN Japan, it is highly unrealistic for a person to have a name like that. Your characters need to have down-to-earth, believable names. They don't have to be common, but they do have to be realistic. When I have trouble naming characters, I do a search for baby name websites and find names on their that suit my characters.
Beyond the name is her situation and personality. She is characteristically perfect, which is a big no-no. Some people fall under the misconception that giving the character physical flaws will work in place of personality flaws, but they don't. In this case, the disorders the character has serves only to gain sympathy from the reader, which lends to the perfection.
First, rethink the disorders. If you want your character to have disorders, that is fine, but you have them piled on to the point where its hard to take them seriously. Drop the number of psychological things down to one. Schizophrenia doesn't fit very well here, so I recommend dropping that one and choosing between either Bipolar Disorder or Dyslexia, but not both.
Second, you need to make your character less perfect. Ask yourself, "is my character a person that I would like to be in real life?" If you answer yes, then your character is too good. One easy way to add flaws to your character is to pick one of the seven deadly sins (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seven_deadly_sins) and inconspicuously blend it in with the rest of the story.
Third is the setting and the situation in which she finds herself. The setting is too ideal while her background is too tragic. It's possible, of course, that they AREN'T really that good/bad and that the narrator is just exaggerating, but most people over look that, so you should probably change it just to be safe.
A red flag I get right from the beginning of the story is the character's age. Ten years old is far too young to really be aware of the world around her in such a way that she is. Thirteen years old would be more understandable, with 14-16 being ideal. This would also allow you to get rid of the grade skipping thing, which adds to her perfection as we discussed earlier.
Another problem is the mother. 22 is not a good age. If your character is 10 years old, that would mean the mother gave birth at 12. Though not biologically impossible, it's extremely unrealistic. 26 would be a more believable age for the parent of a 10 year old, which would then get bumped up around 32 once the protagonist's age is upped.
Model isn't a good career choice, either. Though it justifies the drugs, it causes a surreal atmosphere when placed next to the step-father character and in the setting of this story. I understand the angle you are trying to present with the mother character, so I would recommend a less prestigious career choice. Waitress is kind of cliche, but it works. Nurse, perhaps? RNA? Not great, but better than model.
The Alissa character's interaction with the main character is very mature and probably wouldn't take place on that caliber with somebody so young. She is much older than Yazakara and so is more likely to treat her like a younger sister than a buddy. This can be fixed by making Yazakara older.
The confrontation between the main character and her parents is wise, as it serves to reinforce the idea of abuse that was already instilled. That being said, a ten year old girl could in no way beat up and knock out a grown man, no matter how drunk he is. She may be able to escape and run away into the park, but she would not be able to fight back.
And finally, the ending monologue needs some reworking. It is far too coincidental that Alissa would just be there, and Yazakara's tragic closing remarks are very cliche. When you expand the story this problem will fix itself, but I wanted to bring your attention to it.
Overall you have the will to write, but you need to work on some things. Read and write. Reading and writing will help you to develope your skills to the next level. If you are looking for some good literature that is in the same field as the story you are writing, "She's Come Undone" by Wally Lamb and anything by Laurie Halse Anderson would be right up your alley.
I hope my review helped a little. If there is anything I can do to assist you or clear up any problems, please let me know! |
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