This piece uses imagery very well to convey emotion and betrayal. I especially liked the last line of the first stanza, it was original, dramatic, and very vivid. Overall the poem flows pretty well and is pleasing to read. Once again I would just say to work on some word choice... I once read in a textbook (Shoot, I forget who said it too!) that "poetry is purposeful violence on words." Work with unusual syntax maybe, and just keep on reading/writing. You're doing great!
Overall Impression:
Well composed, this poem uses imagery well and flows pleasingly.
I couldn't find any grammatical errors, great job!
What I liked/disliked:
The flow of your piece is nice, very smooth and lyrical. The repetition of how everything is not the same gives the poem a solid anchor, yet you always present this topic in a different way to keep the reader interested. The only tiny thing that I can think of is a lack of really origianl word use, but just more writing and reading help a creative mind grow! Try to paint a a vivid picture with your words.
Overall Impression:
Very raw and emotional, a smooth poem. Can't wait to read more from you!
This really, truly is a touching and very well written poem. Poetry is about imagery, and this paints a Van Gogh for me. Very well done! The flow is great, the word choice flawless, I can see why this won an awardicon. Sorry I couldn't consider it for my contest!
Sweet lips which cherries could only aspire to be so red,
This sentence is a little awkward, it might read better as something like "Your sweet lips, cherries could only aspire to be so red,"
What I liked/disliked:
This piece was very emotional and evocative, the word choice reallydefines the feelings of this piece. To me there is no higher ambition in writing than to make your reader feel emotion, and this piece definetly succeeds in that department.
Your poem is very heartfelt anf emotional, and it tackles tough items. You also have good and original word choice, this obviously wasn't an attempt to copy another poem or style. You also follow a constant mechanical structure. The rhyme does seem forced at times though, and the rhythm in the last line seems totally different from the rest of the poem. I'm really sorry but I have to admit this to you now, I don't really ever read or write poetry but I'll try my very hardest for you!
Overall Impression:
Heartfelt and emotional this poem is very original.
Now let me tell you what happens when you give of yourself completely without first examining the risks.
You might want to revise this sentence, it sounds like preaching.
I know this because I am the death that becomes of ignorance and naïveté.
Maybe it would be better if "becomes" was changed to "comes"
What I liked/disliked:
I really like the philosophical side of this story, it's introspective and deep thinking, yet not pretentious or overwhelming, which is a difficult balance to find. The descriptions are solid and the emotion palpable. A few sentences could be restructured for better effect though.
In amidst the brown grass and fallen leaves a small green sprout struggled.
Having both "In" and "amidst" is redundant, maybe try picking just one.
Bredana heard Adhamh’s voice calling from the keep.
You have it as "Bradana" other places in the story.
After supper, Adhamh rose suddenly and pulled Bredana to his solar.
Same as above.
What I liked/disliked:
I really enjoyed the accuracy of the language you have in this story, you must have researched your names! The plot is also very convincing and intruiging. Your characters are three dimensional and original, they are very vivid. I do wis the ending were a little longer, it seemed a bit abrupt. But I truly did enjoy reading this piece.
Overall Impression:
Intruiging, well written, and original! Great job!
The forest of Minalo that lay to the north of the Ardrene River and to the north of the heavily populated southern lands was the region where the Hunters ranged.
This might read better if you took out the second "to the north of the"
Hunters were dark haired, though every once and a while a light haired child is born.
You switch from past tense to present tense in this sentence, stick with one tense. (The "were" and "is")
"It isn't possible," Tarnen insisted, "My son will be great, but a great Hunter."
Period after "insisted"
What I liked/disliked:
I think you have a really solid beginning to a longer story here. Your plot is great, and all the action that happends is well described. Your sentences are lacking a certain descriptive omph though. They seem sparse and not very complex. I'd go through and add descriptions of Tark and his home and family, and maybe some more of his internal thoughts and dialog. You have a good start here though!
I couldn't find any grammatical errors, great job!
What I liked/disliked:
I really like the lyrical feel the flow of your words gives. It's almost like a story and a song at the smae time. I had a moment of doubt when i read about the angel, but your story is so different and original that it completely blew that thought out of the water.
The last line of your sotry is also unexpected (well at least for me it was) and very profound, I don't think you could have possibly anded it better. I can't really say that there was anything in particualr that I disliked!
Overall Impression:
A poetically written piece with originality to boot! How much better does it get?
The major as a birthday present to his wife who had just given birth to their first child, a boy, had bought her a stunning diamond necklace and matching bracelet.
Comma after "The major"
I came to a halt in-front of the bank and jumped of Lighting.
Add an "off" in front of the "of Lighting".
the adrenaline already cursing through my veins, a sense of foreboding overcame me, this was not a normal day, nor was it a normal robbery.
I think you may have meant "crusing through my veins,"
What I liked/disliked:
I really like the detail you add about the jail, and how much the Sheriff hates it there. Most of us hate our jobs, but boy he needs a vacation! You keep in context with all of his thoughts, and build his character fairly well. I just wish I knew why she did it, why did she rob the bank? I think adding this element to the story will greatly enhance it. You also have quite a few comaa errors, I'd sugesst running through your piece looking solely for these. It's so weird how close this is to another story of mine! Creepy!
Overall Impression:
Solid characters and descriptions, but could use a bit of filling in and expansion.
I'm not sure if you meant to have the "na" there, I was a bit confused by it.
Pretty good with the grammar!
What I liked/disliked:
I really liked the funny moments in your story, and the concept of doctors having keys to bring babies into the world is hilarious and original. The part where they look in the World book for all the answers in funny too, it highlights their naivety. The dialog between characters is a little stiff sometimes though, I don't think my 13 year old sister could use logic in this way: “Let’s talk about the birth first. See we know that doctors open up the stomach of a mother using keys. How will a doctor have keys to all the patients coming to him. A doctor won’t even know who will come to him. How is it possible for one doctor to have keys to all the women in the world?” asked Ajay.
Also, the major point I have to make about your story is your rating. The content in here is way to high for an ASR rating, I'd say 18+ to be safe.
Overall Impression:
With some polishing this story could really garner some belly deep laughs!
He was thirty-two now but still wore leather pants to the recording studio.
You might want to stick a comma in before "but".
What I liked/disliked:
I really love the way you begin the story, with small details like the Lemon Joy. ALso, the comparison between Johnny as the cat, fickle and tempermental, and Stony as well, the dog, was endearing and original. It's a heart lifting story, even though what brings her comfort isn't another man, I think that's what makes the story more original.
Overall Impression:
Well imagined and written this story is sure to broing a smile to your face!
Harhar! It deserves a true pirate laugh! Very funny!
Errors and Solutions:
You might want to put Naughty Twinkler in Italics or in quotation marks because it seems like a publication.
What I liked/disliked
I like this very origianl letter to Santa, you don't have to be little to believe! Plus I loved the comment about the reindeer, that was a close-your-eyes-and-laugh moment.
Overall Impression:
A very funny letter to Santa that's not for kids! Maybe the naughty ones don't get coal:)
Ok, so Humpty Dumpty had problems, we know that. But substance abuse? Yikes, how scary!
Errors and Solutions: {c: black}
Hi, my name is Bob and I'm an alcoholic and an addict.
I think you want to put this in parantheses because he's speaking.
What I liked/ disliked:
I like that you chose to write about Mr. Dumpty! Nobody really likes to write about him I've noticed, so he must feel very neglected. I also like the way you make him seem more "real", with problems just like everyone else. I do wish that the story was longer though, with a little more description of Humpty's scenery and whatnot. It just seemed a little too blunt and rushed to me. But I liked the origianl "down-in-the-dumpty" storyline:)
Overall Impression:
Not for kids who want to hear nice things about their favorite egg! A little cynical, but funny and original. It would be even better if it were longer!
Very spooky, you never know when it's going to strike!
Errors and Solutions:
He looked either way to see if any cars were coming, and there was none.
Whoops, gotta keep the verbs plural!
,and there were none.
What I liked/disliked:
I love the storyline of this piece, it's scary how the death of one person passes the boogieman on to another, its very frightening because for these men it's so unexpected. You also build the suspense quite well, though I wish the boogie man were just a little bit scarier. Perhaps I'm just jaded though:)
Overall Impression:
Spooky and original! Thanks for creating this great read!
What a deep and complex piece! This is a story that my professors would have a ball with, and us students would spend weeks on trying to figure out every meaning on every level possible.It really reminds me most of old European fairy-tales, Grimms and otherwise. You certainly cannot go wrong with a classic! (Ok well you can, but you certainly didn't!) I digress, thanks for a very thought-provoking read! Oh, just a quick note: indents might make it wasier on the eye.
I personally really liked this story, but if I were a child reading it I might just get scared at Jimmy drowning his ducky; unless of course my parents watched "Sopranos". The details were great, but not too overwhelming for a child, and it's a situation all kids can relate to. The only thing I'm curious about is why he wore a suit to school? Thanks for an enchanting read!
Wow, that story was well written, heart-wrenching, and most of all, unpredictable! This is the first 5.0 I've given and let me tell you, this story deserves it! It's very obvious you took your time crafting this piece, I see no errors, grammatical or otherwise, popping out. And the connection you make with the Sticks road and the ferryman is a fresh view of death, I loved the fact that he was a trucker, it's just so different! Thanks for a great read and a VERY worthwhile story.
What an honest, insightful portrait of not only a moment in time of a marriage, but also a glimpse of the entire 36-year marriage and also of the two distinct individuals in it.
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