This poem clearly means a lot to you, and it certainly shows in the choices of words, and especially in the message.
Remember that when I review a piece of writing, I am not reviewing content, or judging what is said. I am judging it as a poem. I feel that is important to say.
I feel this poem suffers from a crippling lack of images. The whole backbone of poetry is imagery. We need them to grasp on to so that we can connect to it, and feel it. We want to be able to have the poem read to us while we close our eyes and we can see and feel the images in it.
Show me the times when you walked and talked. Describe the blue sea. Is it rough and stormy with stony cliffs? Or is it calm and serene with endless beaches? These things will greatly change the mood of the poem, and will give us something to imagine. A blue sea, is ambiguous and could mean anything.
You are clearly trying to get a mood across, but this mood could very easily be gotten across with more images that way we, the readers, can create the mood in ourselves, rather than be simply told about the writers mood. We want to feel it too!
I hope I didn't come off too harsh. It has a lot of potential, but without images, a poem falls a little bit flat.
Keep on writing!
I like the idea of such a poem. It seems to be trying to sell a certain belief, mainly that of elementalism, and there is certainly potential in such a thing. I could be totally off base with that though. It isn't my area of expertise. I feel however, it falls a little bit flat on that. I understand the point of a poem like this isn't to educate us on what such a belief is about, but it seems to me that it doesn't exactly sell the idea... it says that it will erase centuries of problems, and will ultimately result in something better, but it doesn't explain much other than a philosophically ideal result.
For a poem to succeed, we need images and emotions. We have statements here, but nothing we can latch on to, and see or feel. To make this grounded and something to remember, you need to give us a solid image... Possibly give us the image of a polluted world, smoke stack, oil stained penguins or something, and contrast it with a peaceful, serene natural image, a flowing river or coastline or something.
There is potential here, for sure. Don't stop!
Keep writing!
What a fantastic story! I do hope it's not true, although it seems a little to ridiculous to be grounded in reality. Apologies if it is!
You have a real talent with writing. Description seems to come easily to you, and you love the little details. This is great, because it makes for fun to read pieces. My only qualm with this, is that I have no idea what pieces of detail are relevant and what are not. There is a lot of information in this story that doesn't seem to go anywhere, like trigger and the swingset, and even Beth seems to have a loose association with the story, except to make things slightly more awkward for the protagonist.
I read this as a comedy of errors, and it definitely came through on that. Punching a hole in the wall, and standing in water from the busted pipe, were great. I think the biggest thing missing in this is the protagonist being a victim to circumstances. By the end, we just get the impression that he is crazy, and we are left wondering if the sound isn't entirely in his head, I like that angle, except that is pretty dark subject matter, which somewhat changes the mood of the piece. Sometimes I was reading it as a light story and a comedy, and other times it seems really dark, like how he almost dies twice...
Another issue I had is that you seem to need to work on your time transitions. I had a hard time following what day it was and when time had passed, and how much of it. I'm not sure exactly how to do that, but I feel it needs work.
Don't take my criticisms to think that this is a bad story. I loved the story, there is a ton of interesting details and I loved the character of the landlady and even the protagonist, although I, personally, had trouble relating to him. You have a knack for the details and that is very cool to read.
Thanks for the read!
-Kiookia
The poem shows some intense feelings and images. The songbird is a great metaphor with a lot of promise. I like the passion behind it and it seems to mean a lot to you.
That being said, I would never know it was about a person being abandoned by their church. Ambiguity in poems is an interesting trait, but I don't believe it is the strongest way to go in most cases. It seems a bit like you are deliberately avoiding making it too easy for us to figure out what it is about. There are some hints about what's going on, and what we should be focusing on, but it is so vague, I have difficulty following.
There is a lot of depth behind this poem that I would love to hear about. But it is BEHIND the poem, and we want it in full view so we can dive in.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/kiookia
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.12 seconds at 11:55am on Nov 08, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
