A very nice piece which lays its message clearly with thankfully little melodrama.
I though a few lines read strangely which I thought may have come from a desire to make each line rhyme, when I read it aloud however it's flow becomes much more clear.
I'm no authority on poetry as I freely admit but in reading alot on Writing.com I find they are much easier to begin than to end.
Writing.com is full of first chapters, prologues and other various beginnings to as yet unrealised stories.
The unfortunate effect from reviewing alot of these is that it can become difficult to establish enthusiasm for a new story because you can never be sure the author will continue writing and finish it and even if they do how long it will take.
Happily that wasn't the case with this piece which I can confidently say is one of the most engaging and original stories I've read on this site.
As with your other piece I reviewed "Drops of Mercury" you display a keen sense of action and show the most flair in describing details in some really amazing set piece moments(Racing giant metal snakes through dungeons is indescribably awesome.)
You've managed to craft a highly detailed and unique world in this story. One which impressively is conveyed largely through showing not telling, just letting points of interest drop into the story without lengthy description. I'm sure things will become clearer further along.
On a side note your description of the Unamenti remind me quite vividly of the Daemons in Philip Pullmans "His Dark Materials" series, have you read these books perchance?
Anyway I'm sure you didn't request this review looking for unanimous praise did you? Here's a few points of concern.
As exciting an opening as this is nothing really seems established(until the very, very end at least) we're really just dropped in the middle of something happening with no indication of who Anouk is, why she needs to join this race or indeed anything appraching the set up to a plot. You do give a few slight references to her needing to hide her identity but by the end of chapter one some people might want a little more foundation.
Regarding the following: Unamenti, Luxdiscs, Zyrabai, T’Ankirine, Queen Sanswari's ... I have no problem with making up words and names to fit into this universe you've created but a little help with pronounciation would be appreciated.
Finally some points on a few seleted sentences...
"The master’s bloodshot eyes lingered on the rider’s young, soft face" (I'd stick with either young or soft, using both makes the sentence seem uneven.)
"Now she turned a corner and the narrow alley ended" (I'd recommend removing the 'Now')
In a short passage you made three references to seperate individuals... "flaming haired, yellow eyed Syrtians"
"rosy-haired firedancer"
"paunchy red-bearded man"(As you make the point that all Syrtians seem to be red headed it is unnecessary to point this out further when mentioning individuals.)
"Queen Sanswari's glittering palace towered peremptorily above the square."(I have no clue what peremptorily means? I can't find it in any dictionary.)
"The vaulted, rainbow-glass ceiling of the Chamber of Lights scintillated in the center of the palace amid a garden of golden minarets." (Scintillate is more a word used to reference to how something makes one feel than a description of how something looks if you get what I mean.)
"His rider-less sidewinder veered drunkenly to the left"(Sidewinders do this normally, they 'wind' to the 'side' when they move... not really good for racing I'd think.)
As always I hope I've been constructive.
King Billi
P.S. Should you make any significant changes to this piece I'd be happy to read it again if you like
Firstly I would recommend adding this piece to Drops of Mercury (Prologue: Part One) and get rid of the need to break up individual chapters as it proves needlessly confusing.
With that out of the way what else can I say? This is a suitably exciting prologue that sets up more questions than answers which is fine as it creates an impulse to read on, besides that the action was very descriptive and thrilling.
Of concern I felt the dialogue for the protagonist to be a bit out of place with the implyed setting, that of an unknown fantasy world. Her speech and personality seemed oddly contemporary though this may not matter once more is revealed in later chapters.
I'm not really any help when it comes to punctuation but in terms of writing you come across as confident in your prose without needless flowery description, its easy to read.
A fairly standard piece to be honest, though I'll wait to read part two before passing any judgement.
My main issue with this piece actually lies with your introduction more than with the prologue itself. In that you seem concerned people aren't going to get this and feel the need to explain things that you think will cause confusion.
This is distracting as it dosen't allow me to learn things for myself and makes me think I need background infomation.
A certain sense of mystery is good, escpecially in a prologue to create the urge to read on, don't assume people we get impatient for details and just let them come naturally in the story.
I shall read part two and hopefully have a more detailed opinion of the story itself but things seem to be starting well.
The very best to you.
King Billi
P.S. feel free to return to favour.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/king_billi
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.12 seconds at 10:36am on Nov 08, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
