I like this lovely little poem of yours. It isn't as short as I thought it might be when I read your description, either! I think it's just perfect in its length.
The last paragraph didn't flow as well for me as the first two. Perhaps try this?:
now instead of loving arms
for me to come home to,
i only have an empty bed
and these memories of you.
Beautiful! Love the emotions this provokes. Write on!
Interesting piece. I like the way you describe what you deal with with this poem. You allow the reader to try to understand what you go through.
Two editing suggestions:
"Most are screaming to me, they want to grow up.
They have had enough pain, they want it to stop."
up and stop don't rhyme as well as all the other rhymes in this piece. I suggest you look at these two lines again. I'm not saying that rhyming needs to be perfect in a poem, however, when the rest of your lines rhyme so well, and this one does not, it causes a pause in the poem, and distracts the reader.
This is a beautiful piece. What strong, powerful lyrics. You definitely evoked emotion within me while I read this. I love the contrast of the war with the peacefulness of your garden.
Editing suggestions:
"Can’t they see, can’t they feel, that they don’t have to kill."
- Add a question mark to the end of this.
"Who will reach out and make a once foe a friend?"
Something about this sentence just sounds off. Maybe it's the "once" - perhaps you could omit it.
I enjoyed this piece of yours, it helped me to get to know you better in many different ways - as a writer, and as a person with different likes and dislikes. I like how you share your inspiration for writing, and what got you started. CSI is an awesome show!
I like how you provide links to other items in your port. This is a great way to get more views on some of your other pieces!
The only suggestion I have is for you to add a little more personal information about who you are, and where you've been in life.
What a powerful poem, Sherri. I think oftentimes when we "meet" new people online, we have to be even more careful of these relationships. It is so easy to pretend to be someone you're not across a screen. And, as I've discovered, don't ignore those womenly intuitions! There's usually some truth in them.
I liked the opportunity to see what the things you find beautiful in your own life. I think so often when asked, people will say beauty lies within the simple pleasures of nature - a gentle reminder to slow down, and take time to smell the roses, watch the waves, and catch the sun rise in the morning.
Thank you for sharing, and making us think about our own feelings of beauty in our own lives.
(((((Sherri)))) *big hugs to you* I can not even begin to imagine the loss that you have had to experience. Losing a mother is like losing one of the biggest parts of yourself, I would think. I think it's wonderful that you are able to relate some of that hurt, sadness, and mourning in writing.
I'm sure your mother is always with you, in spirit and in memory. *hugs*
A very touching and personal poem, Sherri. The flow and rhythm are right on in this piece, allowing the reader to read through it smoothly. The only suggestion I have is to capitalize "he's" in the following line.
See, after a bit of searching, I've found the link myself!
Congrats on your writing accomplishments! How wonderful.
It was nice to be able to get to know a little more about you, once again. Perhaps you'll expand even more one day, and tell us a little more about your life itself - family, job, other interests, etc.
Fyn, I love your writing style! You give the reader so much imagery and detail, and your words are smooth and flow so well. This poem was lovely. I really enjoyed it. The only section I had to think about a couple of times was "we sip of each other"...it didn't make much sense to me in comparison to the rest of the poem, but overall, this is a wonderful piece.
Congrats on your win in the Support Your Fellow Authors auction. I truly apologize for not getting these reviews to you sooner, but this is the first that I've found out that this round of the auction even occurred!
I love this poem! I love the story it tells, and the rhyme and flow. It's sing-song like...almost like a children's nursery rhyme.
I have some suggestions:
Including the cat asleep on the hutch.
I would put a comma after cat to allow the reader to pause at this point. It has better flow this way with the rest of the poem.
back and forth/to and fro
I would omit the "/" - it really detracts from the poem. I think a simple comma here would suffice.
What a heartfelt and touching poem. How blessed you are to have found such a wonderful person to love and share your life with.
This definitely reads in a sing-song way, and looking up at your description, I see that this is actually intended as lyrics. The rhyming and rhythm is right on for that.
I noticed a few spots where you used commas instead of periods, but otherwise, no other errors noticed.
Wow! What a tragic piece of non-fiction. I've learned first aid and cpr, and while you have the knowledge and it's helpful, you hope you never have to use it. How scary that must have been for you!
I'm sorry things didn't end so well for Tim, but like your writing says, his life wasn't in your hands, but rather God's hands.
Another lovely write. Though this one is a little more tragic and sorrowful, it still has the great detail and emotion that is prominant in your writing.
What a sweet short story! I enjoyed your detail and descriptives, as well as the moral of this story. I like the imaginary friend, and the tale of how he happily went away.
I think you could have written the ending in more detail, specifically how the father and son spent their time together, and how the father determined his son needed more attention from him.
What an insightful piece into a difficult time in your life. I think we all have moments like these...when we turn from that which we hold as a higher power in our lives. It is then that we become lost and sad.
I think the wording in this was a little difficult to read - the way you formed the sentences, etc. The flow was a little off.
What a touching and emotional piece. It was a sad poem to read, because of the dying tale it told, yet it was touching to the reader because of the lifetime of love it also told.
We all must say goodbye to those we love, but how wonderful the chance to do it in this way.
A wonderful tribute to you husband, soulmate, bestfriend, the love of your life. How wonderful your love story is, and you capture it well in this poem. I could sense the familiarity of being with someone so long, as well as the growing love that you have for your husband. Good luck with your future.
This is a wonderful poem, giving a glimpse into the life of a nurse - a career choice both rewarding and difficult, as many emotions get tied into it.
I like the comparison to a sponge that you give in this piece of writing. It's a good descriptive.
I was confused by the very last line in this poem - it didn't seem to go with the rest of the stanza, so I'm not sure what was meant by it. You may want to clarify.
The overall flow of the poem was great - it read very nicely.
Wow, what a very powerful and emotional piece. I can't even imagine the reality of this experience, but you capture the moment well, carefully crafting into words both your reaction, and your husband's. I wish you both the best, and for a healthy 2006.
What a lovely holiday poem. You capture some of the many things that relate to Christmas - the tree, snow, caroling, etc. Nicely done.
I had to read throught the first stanza a couple of times to understand it - particularly the second line. It doesn't seem to fit, and seems out of place. Maybe even adding a comma to that line so it reads "In the frosty air, carols resound" might help.
Happy Holidays and write on!
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