Your poem sends out such a powerful message. We will probably never know just how many people that this poem describes. While reading this a few people came to mind, maybe not for all but for most.
I think it was well written, but I noticed a few words that were misspelled and I also noticed that words like(contractions)you don't have an apostrophe separating like you may have youre it should be you're.
What a wonderful story. Sometimes kids can see things so simple, when adults try to make situations so complicated. Over the years, my son has said some things and done some things that I felt was way above where his mind should be. Kids can surprise you when you least expect it.
I didn't see any corrections that needed to be made.
As with any review, you as the author can choose to use the suggestions I make or not.
This was a very riveting story. To be honest with you I was almost to this point many years ago. Infidelity can cause people to do crazy things.
There are a couple things that I feel need changing: in the second paragraph I feel that you can replace his with the word the or take out of my ex-fiancee entirely. Also, further down 5th paragraph horribly cry needs to be horrible cry.
I will definitely be checking back to see what other gems you have in your portfolio.
I read this piece several times. I'm still not sure what you mean. Maybe by using paper bonds you mean money inside the hospital and by being outside you mean the man became closer with God.
I did not notice any necessary corrections that need to be made.
In your first haiku, these trees are dancing. In the second haiku seems to me the trees are trying to get closer as if they want to talk. To me a haiku written by someone may mean one thing to the author and another thing to the reader.
I didn't see any necessary corrections. I ask if the first one was meant to be off center as it was.
I read this several times and I may be wrong but what I get out of this is no matter what path a person takes they end up where they are supposed to be. The journey anywhere can be confusing.
The only correction I see is where you write "To the path which lead you should be leads..."
As with any review, the reader makes suggestions and you as the writer chooses to make changes or not.
The only correction that needs to be made is when you are talking about the leaves falling, there should be a comma and then one by one.
The wonders of a child getting them into trouble. I really hope you plan to expand this story and let the readers know what happens to the child. Is the child one of the night and doesn't know it? or is he kidnapped and made one of the night? etc. Something like that.
As with any review, the reader makes suggestions and you as the writer chooses to make changes or not.
Even successful people worry about where they will end up. Many people worry about measuring up against their neighbor or friends or others. You stated you know studying helps then study. At the end you say that others seem to be in charge of your faith. That is only if you let them. There will always be someone or some group wanting you to fail. Be strong and show them you can and will do it your way.
At the end of the first paragraph end it with harm anyone
next paragraph subjects doesn't need an apostrophe
if I will, should be if I do
everybody around me gets them(when talking about grades)
comma after problem
comma after well
comma after studied
comma after others
then should be than
carrier should be career
Last paragraph start second sentence with I'm
make it successfully(take off though)
take out it
last word-did you mean faith or fate
You aren't any different than anyone else. Everybody worries about their journey to success just like you.
As with any review, the reader makes suggestions and you as the writer chooses to make changes or not. This was a very touching story. I really enjoyed reading it.
For the paragraph starting with"I'm a twenty-five...at the end finish it with-And let me add, the man...
Place a should be placed, comma after said, comma after Anna and dress should be dressed.
dress should be dressed. His voice quivered, comma after Anna..What's that...
As with any review, the reader makes suggestions and you as the writer chooses to make cganges or not.
This was a very delightful story. I especially liked the descriptions in the first paragraph. I could see the leaves falling while reading your words. Then in the last paragraph, that last leaf finished off the story.
I didn' notice any corrections that needed to be made.
As with any review, the reader makes suggestions and you as the writer can choose to make changes or not.
1-I'd should be I've
2-terrible's should be terrible is
Life's life should be Life is life
bad's should be bad is
3-We left should be we'd leff
I'm pretty sure many people are guilty of this if they are honest with themselves.
I am a firm believer in payback when Mark got knocked in the head by the crowbar.
No, hate dressed up as humor isn't funny, but people have been doing this for a long time and it will probably never stop.Reading this has made me really think about some stuff I have said in the past and about how I will talk in the future.
As with any review, the reader makes suggestions and you as the writer chooses to makes changes or not.
1-add the word-and- between cause, they
2-also place a comma between walk and I
3- end last sentence with of
4-Get ready, we're
5-comma after a week, change the rest to maybe people seemed to literally die...
6-we have should be we had, after friends should be had
7-a comma after New York
8-we're all
9-we're-going to box...
10-we're-getting close
11-The morning(misspelled)
12-all the noises'from the night before
13-comma after Now
14-comma after obviously
15-start with all of a sudden or Suddenly-a rush of pride
16-a comma after Immediately
17-mad should be made(misspelled)
I especially like the first two sentences. Your description gives the reader a realistic ideal of what the battlefield was like. Good job and keep on writing. Welcome to WDC.
As with any review, the reader makes suggestions and you as the writer can choose to make changes or not.
1-disappear(misspelled)
2-scratch out behind her after disappear
3-take the d off of changed, just keep it change
4-We're
5-escalade should be capitalized
6-that's (apostrophe)
7-mirror(misspelled)
8-strap(no e)
9-We're(from cute boy)
10-embarrassing
I think you should also work on the size of your paragraphs. For instance when Emily is getting ready to take a bath, you can start a new paragraph with Ewww.
It is not easy to leave what you know to go towards the unknown. I can easily envision this girl getting into alot of trouble. I really would like to read more. Keep on writing and Welcome to WDC. Good job.
As with any review, the reader makes suggestions and you as the writer can choose to make changes or not.
1-should be asked his wife and using question mark att he end
2-again sigh and ask, capitalize Why
3-capitalize -Sweety
4-Lilly asked
5-beautiful(misspelled)
6-second paragraph when Frank relpies last 53 years and I will..
7-add you after continue to love
8-next sentence spell because(misspelled)
9-a comma after goes and shortly after
10-spell their(misspelled)
11-add sharing one last kiss instead of kissed each..kiss
This is a very sweet story. I don't know if you made this story up or you actually know a couple like this, but I have noticed marriages that last this long the man and woman seem to be more committed to each other. I went out to a buffet restaurant and there was an older couple in there. The man went and brought back food for his wife. He helped her cut it to.(She seemed a little shaky) He even held her chair and assisted her as they left. Alot of young couples could learn from this.
Great story and Keep On Writing. Welcome to WDC.
As with any review, the reader makes suggestions and you as the writer can choose to use suggestions or leave your work as is. With that said:
1-in the first paragraph, I think you should add the word 'as' after change the color...
2-When her husband replied about getting the kids in for dinner "Yeah" should be capitalized
3-In the paragraph where Rhonda was getting the two little ones ready for bed. After, Smiling softly, she..(would it sound better with she kissed them and left the room?) talking about tense of the verb
4-When the stranger tells Rhonda about the party(would it sound better to say-and when I got there instead of using get)
Every woman, young or old single or married, no matter the number of children can identify with this story. Plus, Rhonda is dealing with a mental issue.
Do you plan to expand the story any? You start out with Rhonda working so hard for her family, I think you could end it another way showing how Rhonda somehow gets into a fix starting with the stranger.
Please let me know if you do. I would love to read more.
Oh, How sad. I guess this probably happens all the time. Such a burden for a six year old.
I didn't see any corrections that had to be made. You know I think you should expand on this story. It could turn into a chapter story. You could write about some of the day to day happenings of Milly and her family. You could finish it up a happy story by maybe having Milly's dad meet her teacher and fall in love and get married(just a suggestion)
I am assuming this is about two young people falling in love or something close to it. The old man maybe predicting who his future partner is or what they would look like. It seems both knew it and were slowly coming to grips with it.
The only correction that should be made is an e should be added to breath to make it breathe.
I can understand the message you are sending with this poem. I don't know if the old man is her dad or granddad but it really doesn't matter because this is a terrible situation for someone to have to live in. I did not see any corrections that had to be made.
This piece that I have read has the ability to be expanded into something much bigger. To imagine being in labor and then to look down and see nothing there yet your husband pretends the baby is in his wife's arms. That seems mighty creepy.Have you thought about writing this story longer? Let me know.please.
Before I start I just want to say that any suggestions I make are mine and any changes you choose to make or don't make are entirely up to you.
First sentence in second set, I think a comma should go after 1600,...
Seventh set of sentences that starts with Today I think a comma should go after Today,
Other than those two places, I think this was a well written piece. I can only imagine what it is like if all the animals show up at the same time. Even though I'm sure every animal has its own migration period.
I'm sure every animal would say Thank You if they could.
Before I start I just want to say that any suggestions I make are mine and any changes you choose to make or don't make are entirely up to you.
First sentence in second set, I think a comma should go after 1600,...
Seventh set of sentences that starts with Today I think a comma should go after Today,
Other than those two places, I think this was a well written piece. I can only imagine what it is like if all the animals show up at the same time. Even though I'm sure every animal has its own migration period.
I'm sure every animal would say Thank You if they could.
Great job and keep on writing.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Before I start, I just want to say I am only making suggestions and it is entirely your choice if you make any. I don't want you to feel that I am totally rewriting your piece but as the reader these are the problems that I saw that need fixing.
First line-take off the the word you after hard, make you're into your and make lung plural.
Third line-take off "you first feeling"
Fourth line-change starting to starts
Sixth line-change "hasp"-I think you may have meant gasp
Seventh line-make "feeling" plural
Eighth line-maybe you meant 'split' instead of slit
Fiftenth line-to me it sounds better if after hard to stay standing up, take away and use comma and put constantly keeping yourself
Sixtenth line-Use either, Soon or after awhile but not both together because they both mean the same thing as far as time goes(to me)
Eightenth line-no comma after tears needed
Last line- lose the word 'to'
I also feel that full page would serve you better than what you have now. It would be more words side to side, but less confusing for others reading it.
I hope you aren't offended and feel that I am messing up your story. As I stated at the beginning, I am only making suggestions and it is your decision to make any changes that I have suggested.
There is alot of truth in what you have written. I have felt the raw pain and it didn't seem I would ever stop. This brings back memories of what I cried over. I think you have written a good story.For now, I am only giving you a 3, if you make any changes, I will come back reread, rerate.
I like the way your descriptions enhance your story. Keep on Writing and I will be back to see other things you churn out.
I am a contestant in "Invalid Item" ,and I have chosen you as one of my reviews!Welcome to WdC!
Before I start, I just want to say I am only making suggestions and it is entirely your choice if you make any. I don't want you to feel that I am totally rewriting your piece but as the reader these are the problems that I saw that need fixing.
First line-take off the the word you after hard, make you're into your and make lung plural.
Third line-take off "you first feeling"
Fourth line-change starting to starts
Sixth line-change "hasp"-I think you may have meant gasp
Seventh line-make "feeling" plural
Eighth line-maybe you meant 'split' instead of slit
Fiftenth line-to me it sounds better if after hard to stay standing up, take away and use comma and put constantly keeping yourself
Sixtenth line-Use either, Soon or after awhile but not both together because they both mean the same thing as far as time goes(to me)
Eightenth line-no comma after tears needed
Last line- lose the word 'to'
I also feel that full page would serve you better than what you have now. It would be more words side to side, but less confusing for others reading it.
I hope you aren't offended and feel that I am messing up your story. As I stated at the beginning, I am only making suggestions and it is your decision to make any changes that I have suggested.
There is alot of truth in what you have written. I have felt the raw pain and it didn't seem I would ever stop. This brings back memories of what I cried over. I think you have written a good story.For now, I am only giving you a 3, if you make any changes, I will come back reread, rerate.
I like the way your descriptions enhance your story. Keep on Writing and I will be back to see other things you churn out.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/katriona
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.16 seconds at 6:43am on Nov 08, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
