The poem is wonderful. I really like the use of imagry you use instead of just explaining the situation, or sceene you describe it which is wonderful. I love the image I get and would love to see it for myself.
My advice is to make sure the wording you use is sufice. I appreciate the larger words, and the imagry does succeed from those words choosen, but when you used "day and night race" I almost expected something a little 'larger' like i'd seen in the rest of the poem.
Once again, the piece was brilliant and I loved the imagry here. It really shows talent.
I really loved this piece you wrote. It made me very sad and emotional which are signs of a great writer. I really admire the way you keep the subtle rythm in there without making it too obvious.
To be honest, I really don't see anything worth improving here. My advice is to take this great, heartfelt piece and run with it. Make it longer? Make a prose maybe? I see potential in something that is so easily moving toward others.
First I'd like to say this poem really sank deep with me because it hit on a lot of things I was going through when I was 16 and 17 years old due to my Borderline Personality Disorder. I don't know if that's what you were writing about but I just wanted to say that it did hit me hard and that always shows the making of a true poet to me.
So, I obviously loved what you wrote and the strength it had. Each word you chose fit perfectly it seemed and with thought behind it as well.
My only advice would be to elaborate on the stuggle letting go of whatever "found a place in your thoughts". I think emphasizing that struggle of letting whatever that may be go will not only make the piece more powerful, but also quite possibly more relatable to others with the same feelings.
Again, I really loved the piece and it was wonderful how it hit me right away. Your word choice is fantastic in the whole piece and I can't wait to read more from you.
First off I'd like to say I really loved the concept of this poerm. I get that feeling of overwhelming devotion and passion toward another. I really admire the way you play with the words in this piece, like when you say "say your poem out loud with words so loud". It really made an impactful moment in the poem.
My advice for you would be to lengthen it if that's what you see fit. I feel this can be a good poem if you added another verse or two as well. Another thing is if you specify if you are "eating his poem" as in the poem he wrore or the one you wrote about him.
Over all i really liked what you did and it hit me which is always what i look for.
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