Hi Purple Cow,
Oh my gosh; this is too funny! What a great idea. I'm old, so we had to lug eggs around...but I've seen teenagers hauling these dolls around with glazed eyes...vacant stares (the teens, not the dolls).
Suggestions:
*Coming along with me on my trip was my two sisters
-should be 'were' my two sisters, because the word sisters is plural.
That's it! Thanks for sharing such a witty, entertaining story.
Hi Jenni,
This is a powerful poem, dealing with a very difficult subject. You captured perfectly the way people say "I love you" then, by word and deed, prove themselves wrong. I'm glad you wrote from a position of strength; the girl is not letting her mother tear her down. I like the way your writing is direct, to the point, without any flourishes. I look forward to reading more of your writing.
Take care,
Kat
Hi again Waves,
Another delightful poem! I can't help but be bombarded with images of jellybeans and rainbows as I read your words. I feel like a kid in a candy store, reading this. Thanks!
Kat
Hi Finnely,
I enjoyed reading your poem. It is short, but to the point, and has a nice rhythm to it. I like the phrase "twinkle, twinkle, mercy, weep." I read this poem yesterday and didn't have time to review it then, and that line stayed with me. I like the way the words twinkle twinkle set up a happy mood, and then we keep reading and see mercy, weep. It's unexpected, and, I think, a good technique.
Take care,
Kathy
Dear TesubCalle,
I enjoyed reading your story very much. Your description of Troy was also very enjoyable!! It's often difficult to write a short short story, but you pulled it off very nicely.
There's only one simple thing that I would change...and this is just my opinion so feel free to toss it . In the sentence "Then I saw him fall...", I would take out the word 'then'. If you write "I saw him fall", instead of "then I saw him fall" it seems more immediate. The use of then implies telling a story after the fact, to me, anyway. That's just me though.
I love this poem. It is so full of vivid images it's almost overwhelming, yet the images seem somehow familiar too. I guess we all have our memories packed away. I especially love these lines:
There is water damage from all the tears I have wept
Lost love, betrayal, promises never kept
I always bring some reality back down those spiral stairs
But in revisiting the past I always leave a piece of me up there
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. In the sentence "Then I saw him fall...", I would take out the word 'then'. If you write "I saw him fall", instead of "then I saw him fall" it seems more immediate. The use of then implies telling a story after the fact, to me, anyway. That's just me though.