This is an excellent introduction to a potentially great story. Even in this snipet, I can sympathize with Elena and I want to see where her future takes her. I want to know more about her universe.
The errors are minor, but let me make some suggestions. * denotes your original text. + denotes my suggested text
*She would be a jump pilot. Or a ship captain, like her aunt Cordelia, the one they never talked about
+She could be a jump pilot or a ship captain, like her aunt Cordelia, the one her parents never talked about.
*Being a ship captain was perfectly respectable…just not here, on Theta 5. But Elena’s parents had other plans for her.
+The position of ship Captain was a widely respected occupation, except on Theta Five, and Elena's parents had other plans for her.
*She would marry, a nice boy with good family connections, have a few babies, and settle into her role as a wife and mother
+If they had their way, she would marry a wealthy young man with political clout, have plenty of children, and accept the role of housemaker - the traditional Theta 5 woman.
* While Elena had nothing against boys in general, and actually kind of enjoyed them sometimes, she had no interest in settling down to cook, clean, and raise a herd of kids.
+While Elena had nothing against boys and even had fun with them from time to time, she wasn't the least bit interested in waiting on them or raising children, only to have more mouths to feed. In fact, she thought nothing could be more dull.
*As soon as she reached her majority, she would be gone, bound for some other, more progressive planet
+She yearned for the day when she reached majority age, bound for a planet with a more progressive society.
*From there, she could find work on another ship, thereby earning money and traveling at the same time.
+From there she could find work on a ship, not only earning money, but traveling as well.
*When Elena returned home that day, there was a strange car in the drive.
+Returned from where?
*Someone, or someone’s parents, more likely, had made an offer for her. Marriage.
+Someone or someone's parents, more likely, had extended a marriage offer.
*“Elena?” inquired her mother, sounding worried. “Are you alright?”
+"Elena?" her mother inquired, worriedly. "Are you alright?"
+I would refer to Elena by names or words other than her name to mix things up. "The young girl", "She", or assume that the reader knows who you are referring to by the context. When you refer to Elena's mother, you should introduce her early by name, so that you can refer to her that way - or give them all a last name to not only further develop on this family, but to vary character designations.
I really hope my critique helps you perfect your writing style and I would love to read more.
-Kevin
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