First, allow me to say thank you for sharing this with the world at large. I really enjoyed this essay, this quote the most: " There are so many strands of thread in my brain calling to get unraveled."
Your story seems one that many would despair of, but it seems to be a good measure of your courage and your character that you are able to look such adversities in the eye, see them as they are and deal with them. Many ignore them, and many sugar coat them. You've done neither, and I can see that in your writings, you are beginning to face them.
The one critique I have is maybe some reworking of the bones of the thing. There we just a few minor things that I had to re-read. However, if this is a "transcript" of your journal, by no means change it....it has all the more power if you intend it to read that way.
I really like this poem. I think my favorite aspect of it is the way you designed the stanzas. I would work on the imagery of the second and third main stanza. I can clearly understand what you mean by "needs of the few/ are lost to the greed/ of the many" and "hope for tomorrow/ is lost in the thought/ of the dirty, blind, and deaf".
But the middle two need some tweaking to become as crystal clear, in my opinion, as the last two.
Overall really great, thought provoking poem with some awesome imagery!
I think you have the beginnings of a really interesting story here. All it need is some TLC and I think it can really shine.
First thing I noticed: Use active voice more than passive. For example: "Smoke was rising into the air above me" is passive. Active is: "Smoke rose into the air." Leave the above me out. I know where smoke rises :).
Another example of passive vs active: "The sound that followed was a sickening sound of a spear, going in through the base of the neck, and out through Keelans side" becomes "Followed by the sound of ripping flesh and breaking bones, as a spear ripped through Kaleen's body from neck to side." or something of the sort. Don't tell me it's sickening. Make me feel the sickening, see it.
I would also work on not becoming redundant. As I mentioned with the fire situations. We readers know where smoke rises. Also at the beginning: " I was asleep when they came for me; the men in black. They kicked down the door stormed through the house, looking for me." you can leave out the looking for me. And get rid of the dependent clause "the men in black". It interrupts the flow of the scene of people breaking into a house: "I was asleep when the men in black came for me. They kicked down the door and stormed through the house."
Anyways, those are just some things to look out for. I'm guessing you based this story on "Battle Royal" and "Hunger Games"? So far I like it. Especially how if no one dies, then they just kill someone. Keeps the action going.
Keep up the good work and keep messing with it and I think you'll have a good story in no time!
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