This piece has a lot of potential. The biggest problems with it is grammar and structure. Capitalize your "I"s and the first letter of every sentence. Consider taking a few sentences and combining them together to vary the sentence structure a bit more. Try to keep your verb tenses straight. I notice you stray from that sometimes, mostly when people are talking.
As a free-verse/prose poem, I think this would be very successful, but as a short story...Well, it lacks plot, characters, setting, etc, things that are important to short stories. Were this submitted as a poem, I think it would be more powerful (pun intended) because it's about how you personally feel about the subject.
A very touching article! The first line, "I’ve always hated articles, stories, memorabilia, and friends that pop up only after a person dies." is catchy, but it doesn't have a lot to do with the rest of the article. I'd suggest cutting out everything before the "friends that pop..." part. In,“Brad Pitt still living: Thousands gather to appreciate his on-going life.”, more words should be capitalized because you're referring to a headline in a tabloid. In the third paragraph, "When I saw we shake.." should be her shake. Also, I think that “She is a very funny person, I really like her, she is a wonderful person.” sounds rather unnatural, and that you should change it to something more like how you think. As a last technical note, when you're talking about peoples' attitudes and habits without referring to a specific person, you should use "one" instead of "you," as a general rule. An example would be in your first paragraph, "It is disturbing how, in death, you can teach more than you did in life. " Keep up the writing!
I don't know if you had a word limit, but I think this would be a LOT better expanded. The idea is so new and well thought out that it deserves more space. As it is, it doesn't seem to flow very well, especially the transition from the first to second paragraphs. The writing is good, so I can't really suggest anything else. if you do expand it, please email it to me. i'd love to read it again.
Honestly, i know nothing about poetry, but what I read generally confuses me or makes me wonder why the poet wrote the poem. I like this one, and I can understand the piece and relate to it, which is what i think poetry is all about. I can't really think of anything to correct, so I'll share my favorite lines: "Scars unseen but not unfelt/Fingers reaching, grasping, clawing..." You're good at capturing emotion. I'd like to read a poem with positive emotions by you just to compare.
This is pretty good. My main complaint is the second paragraph. I would just edit it out. Everything else is very thought provoking and emotional. the cut from the first to third paragraphs flows very nicely, in my opinion. The other thing was about the 80s movies. I suppose it fits the mood, but I'm personally not a fan of pop culture references.
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