Make sure you make a separate paragraph for each separate dialogue. The first paragraph has a sentence that bothers me: "A few pieces of cheese and bread flew out of his jaws into his cup of tea resting on the counter." Cut out words that don't add to understanding within the sentence: "A few pieces of" can be removed as well as: "resting on the counter." I would change "jaws" to "mouth"
I think this is an interesting story. Keep up the good work.
San Francisco was my home for 8 years and I loved it. Your view of San Francisco makes me want to return but the cost of living there deters me from this choice. I now live in Chiang Mai, Thailand.
"...in Mission District" should be: in the Mission District. " when men are deaf and mouths are closed." change "when" to where.
"In Castro, rainbow flags fly among the birds in the fresh summer wind. The music of the children's laughters and of the park guitarists sat on the green grass of Dolores make the time stop in the idyllic view of a summer afternoon's dream." Rewrite:
In the Castro District, rainbow flags fly among the birds in the fresh cool summer wind. The music of the children's laughter and the park's guitarists in the Dolores District who made time stop in the idyllic setting of a summer's afternoon dream.
"In Haight Hashbury,Janis Joplin's phantom voice wanders through the blue streets ans let's her spirit come and go between the columns of the victorian houses." Rewrite:
In Haight-Ashbury, Janis Joplin's phantom voice wanders through the [I took out "blue"] streets and let her spirit come and go among the columns of the Victorian houses.
"...you feel like king, touching the clouds and San Francisco on its knees. Rewrite:
... you feel like a king who can touch the clouds and have below San Francisco on kneeling knees.
"Sympathy is but a petal beneath the thorns" and "The horizon paints a dimming light" These two lines were one point in your poem that had a ring of truth for me. I was pulled to this poem by its title. I'm sorry but the rest of the poem had no reality in my world. Try some feelings that are embarrassing to put out in front of the public.
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