Hey there, this is my first review (lucky you huh? lol.) My overall impression of this piece was really good. The story with the twist at the end was really thoughtful and it made me wonder how many times the witches had performed this ritual on their trusting husbands.
That being said there are a few things that I'd like to point out that might help the flow of the story sound a little better. I'm not a grammar nazi so I won't be pointing out spelling mistakes or punctuation errors I'm just hear for the flow lol.
During the opening after saying it a few times to myself it feels like saying the smell swirled out with the smoke from the blaze in the pit near our feet. would fit a little better.
Next
I shifted from my place on one of the logs. Charlotte's husband had carved seats into them a few years back and they were shiny with laquer. The two had been childhood sweethearts inseparable, but now had grown into adults who couldn't even stay in the same room together. It was the drinking. On a good night just beer and football, but on a bad night whiskey and his temper were all the entertainment he needed. (It doesn't have to read exactly like this but I felt like there needed to be a deeper reason for wanting him dead than the fact that he drank. also, having been married for many years I don't think you could honestly say they had nothing in common, the drinking provided a good reason for their drifting apart and the hint that he may be abusive will make the reader feel like he gets whats coming later. I changed the first sentence a bit because the flow was a bit difficult IMO)
We set our mugs on the soft earth and began the ceremony. Again it flows easier, less words same idea.
Instead of We were ready. How about, (It was time.) It sounds sharper and lends a bit of urgency.
Marie sol and I rose from our seats to fetch the sacrifice. The two beasts had long been waiting their slaughter, but they weren't stupid, just careless.
Their eyes were open, wild with fright.
The creature was large indeed. and it took Marie Sol and I a good amount of time to drag it back to the fire. (I wouldn't use the word arms here. It gives away the twist at the end of the story since most animals only have legs.) We tied its limbs to the blood stained oak, exposing its chest. It gave us a weary look, its expression dull and lifeless.
she took the blade, a wild zeal filled her eyes, they flashed blue in the firelight. (I think it makes this part seem more active.)
This is all I have for you, I hope you understand what I mean when I say "flow" and I hope you put it to use if you decide to edit your story. It was a pleasure reading, and if you decide to use any of my suggestions i'm very glad to have helped. J.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/joseph1585
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.10 seconds at 11:25pm on Nov 23, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
