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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jonnimichelle
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9 Public Reviews Given
9 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by jonnimichelle Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
OVERALL IMPRESSION:

Fun, suburban horror.

WHAT I LIKED THE MOST:

I love how you created the anal retentive housewife. Her personality revealing just enough to prepare you for something scary or strange. A short, satisfying read.


WHAT DIDN'T WORK FOR ME

If I hadn't expected the ending, it might have been a bit better. What tipped me off was the referral to garbage bags and detergent. Maybe you might find a way to change that a little, so the outcome is less obvious.

GRAMMATICAL ERRORS:

Nothing but a few missing commas; Microsoft Word or software like it should make these small mistakes easier to find and correct.

Nice job overall, worth reading again.
2
2
Review of Book Bites  Open in new Window.
Review by jonnimichelle Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
OVERALL IMPRESSION:

A well-written, provacative piece of fiction.

WHAT I LIKED THE MOST:

The concept and style. After the recent vampire obsession that led to many badly modernized blood-sucker novels, this piece is refreshing. It's believable, it's fairly scary, its interesting from start to finish.

WHAT DIDN'T WORK FOR ME

Not much. A few sentences struck me as odd, but not as though they didn't belong.

GRAMMATICAL ERRORS

Paragraph 34; Instead of:

"As she did so, she felt her fangs lengthened in her eyes became opaque revealing her a vampire."

Try this:

"As she did so, she felt her fangs lengthen and her eyes become opaque, revealing her to be a vampire.

And I believe a coma belongs after 'must' in that paragraph also.

FINAL NOTE

You have both talent and potential and I encourage you to keep writing.

Good Luck!
3
3
Review by jonnimichelle Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
OVERALL IMPRESSION:

A shocking short story with an ingenious twist.

WHAT I LIKE THE MOST:

I love to be reach an ending and be both shocked and satisfied at the same time- which is exactly what you delivered here.


WHAT DIDN'T WORK FOR ME:

Nothing, really. You began and ended strong, included a small bit of dialogue and a twist. Two thumbs up.

GRAMMATICAL ERRORS:

Paragraph 1, instead of:

'A pretty girl could get from any Point A to any other Point B if she were willing to bait the hook.'

Try this:

'A pretty girl could easily get from Point A to Point B, if she was willing to bait the hook.'

Also (and this is not an error so much as something I noticed) you repeat the phrase, 'among other things,' throughout the story; if its not done purposefully, you could work with another phrasing ("as well as," maybe)

Good work overall, you deserve a high rating.
4
4
Review of Oh What a Life  Open in new Window.
Review by jonnimichelle Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
No kidding. This poem brings to light some of the deeper faults of human nature, that we are selfish and unappreciative. At the same time I enjoyed the considerable difference from verse 9 to the end. I began the poem feeling the depressive truthfulness behind your words, and ended it feeling hopeful and lighthearted.

Very good job, keep it up.
5
5
Review by jonnimichelle Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Very true. While the poem doesn't recite a story, it is called poetry for a reason. Your words conjure to mind anger, and I see that as a success rather than something failing to make sense.

Poetry is not about making sense, its about expressing yourself. And I think you did an excellent job.

While I don't often write poetry myself, I can see the potential talent just the same. A little editing here and there and you would have profitable material. I can't tell you something specific to correct, but I can sympathize with your words.

Great job, keep it up.
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