Its me again. I came back to read the sequel, and while I would like to say it is a step up from the first, it is not. I can assume that you wrote these two consecutively so there was no real room for change in the writing, but I still say that if you found a way to harness your writing talent that it would make the writing better as whole. First I would like to say that, if you were to rewrite this story, I would advise you to use a bigger vocabulary and with this vocabulary describe a bit more. I think that is one of your big hitters is your description. Readers feed off of the setting, its like the second most important thing about the story. Even if the characters are a bit shallow, the setting can brighten them and make them deeper than they appear. Also, I would like to know what my characters look like, unless you are one of those writers who briefly describes them and leaves most of the work to the readers--which is totally fine. As the first, I want to see you use more emotion to create more vivid characters. I also feel that your writing feeds only off of its action. Its okay if it does, but if you're going to do this, you need to make it meaningful action. Remember to always ask yourself 'should I really make this scene action packed?'. I am an action novelist, but I have learned how to restrain my action from just explosive awesome gore to a more managable understandable mesh of meaningful action. Try reading a few short fictions of your genre and try to take elements from those and use them in your writing to make your writing just as good. I'm glad to give you more advice if you like, but as always your main downfalls are in description and emotion.
First off, I am not sure if this was meant to be such a short piece, which it really shouldn't be. You have great talent, within this peace, I feel that you couldn't harness that talent in order to spin a truly brilliant tale. The pace was very quick, and a bit confusing which isn't good. If you put a bit more description within the action and the small slow parts--like describing the zombies in detail to add fear and realism, naming certain things like a destroyed 7-Eleven, or naming food items within the fridge, stuff like that to add to detail and authenticity. Also, I wished you'd also had described what this new earth was like, since they drove to Africa--which under normal circumstances would be impossible--so that we understood what had actually happened. Also, there was a lack of emotion in this story. I felt like I was watching an episode of a TV show on fast forward, only seeing the characters emotions and reactions, but not necessarily feeling them. Also, a quick grammar check would improve the work as well. It is good enough for someone to read and say, 'yeah that was good', but its nothing that I would wonder about and fall in love with. I'd like to see your writing improve, because you have the talent for it, and I would like to see what you bring us with the second part of this. So, just work on your description, pacing, and a bit of grammar, and you will see yourself excel in the future. Also, thanks for reviewing my work.
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