\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jezzilin
Review Requests: OFF
8 Public Reviews Given
216 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Jezz - Lost Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Very interesting! You drew me in quickly. I had to see what was going on. That's good!

What are your plans for this story? Is this where it ends or do you plan to write more? I would really like to see some more. It sounds interesting.

It does need a little work. Some of your sentences run on for a very long time. Below is one sentence. By the end of it I forgot what the beginning said and had to go back and read it again.

Now to the point, current situation is that we’re screwed, we’ve got no idea where we are, no clue as to where we’re going, few supplies and a large group of very unhappy people, crammed together on a barely functioning ship that was supposed to hold half the number of people it is.

Consider breaking this and some of the other long sentences up.

Now to the point, the current situation is that we're screwed! We have no idea where we are and no clue as to where we are going. Unhappy people are crammed together on a barely functioning ship designed to hold half their number. To top it all off, our supplies are running drasitically low.

I like the end when you mention the tail.

Thanks for a great read! Write on!

Jezzilin
2
2
Review of The Blade  Open in new Window.
Review by Jezz - Lost Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I like it! It is a very good beginning to something longer. You left me wanting to know why she killed him. Do you plan to write more of this.

I thought the paragraph breaks were a little off. Most only had one or two sentences. Below you will find a revised version with different paragraph breaks. Also some words that were spelled wrong have been corrected. You will find these words in red. There was one sentence that was rather confusing. I explained why in blue.

Great start! Write on!

A gloved paw gripped a sword protectively. The luminous moon shiningly brightly on the brilliant blade of steal.

A figure stood in the darkness, a mere silhouette amongst the flattened land. A large cloak was draped around the figure's shoulders, and a hood was elegantly placed atop the creature's head. Had you not known of this creature's history, you would think of it as a human...but strangely it was not.

Although it had a human like structure, it stood awkwardly in the pale moonlight. The body, instead of skin, possessed white fur, and the upon the head perched two white ears. Shockingly, the face was not human, but wolf. A slender muzzle twitched as the creature inhaled, remove comma the sweet scent of pine stinging it's nostrils.

Ashamed of her appearance, the creature made sure a faint shadow was cast upon her face, courtesy of her black hood. Her attire wasn't greatly detailed, and was hidden by the enormous amount of fabric making up her cloak. White paws bent to support the slender yet muscular frame of the human-like wolf, as it stood upright on the hill. Her luminous eyes staring blankly at the village, and a quizzical scowl blending in with her stern expression.

Now she clenched the weapon tighter, and walked casually through the foliage surrounding the village. The little community was silent, and the windows were dark except for a few candles that faintly burned. The creature did not favor light, nor did she need it, for the brilliant moon lit her way.

A slight wind thrust her hood behind her head, and she gripped it protectively, yanking it back over the delicate ears. "Damn it!" she hissed, and began walking at a brisk pace.

Soon she was in the middle of the pebbled streets, glancing nervously at her surroundings. If she was going to do this...she better do it quickly. If she wasn't getting paid for this evil task, she might have refused, but money was more important now...

She found the house described by her boss, and inhaled shakily. She pushed open the door, unsheathing her blade that was dappled with rubies and gems, remove comma rippling along it's handle.

Of course she stole it, for a poor creature such as herself, could not steal such a brilliant weapon. This sentence is confusing. First it says she stole it, then it says she could not steal it. Also you need a comma after of course.

The room was blanketed with a thick darkness, as she made her way to the corridor... A snoring lump was positioned in a bed, the perfect position for an attack. A golden shower of coins rippled through the creatures mind.

Positioning herrself above the sleeping figure, she raised her sword, and howled in a wolfish manner. "Dia vatai!" which in her tonuge, meant. "To the afterlife!" And then she plunged, crimson liquid spilling onto the blade's slick surface.

Then all was silent, the body still, and the task was done...

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
2 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jezzilin