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Review of Perfect Child 1.0  Open in new Window.
Review by Jenny Rose Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hey! It looks like I am the first to review this piece. I'm not sure how much of a critique you want. Do you know about how many words this is? it seemed a little long in places for a short story. I recommend spending some time re-reading this and checking for verb tense. The verb tense changed from past to present, sometimes within the same sentence. I like the overall concept of the "perfect child experiment". Similar to the Maximum Ride series, but still different enough. A 12-13 year sounds a little old for a young child, especially if the dad keeps carrying her around. It works for the storyline for the dad to be teaching her things from scratch and she catches on quickly, but I'm not sure if it fits that she is still awkward and trips over her feet, especially when she catches on to the different sports quickly.

When I have more time, if you want, I can do a more detailed critique on flow. Good start though.
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Review by Jenny Rose Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
"Her boast sounded less appealing, handed back to her. " I found this sentence confusing since as a reader I have not heard her make this boast (the previous line) before. But in reading the rest of the paragraph, I don't think you even need it.

Overall, I enjoyed this, though I would have liked a little more information on the time period. I'm also confused about the family ties. First, all I know as a reader, is that there is a mother with 3 grown children--2 boys, 1 girl. They're all boat captains. One son runs off with the family fortune. The daughter dies chasing him. Then suddenly the son who ran off with the fortune has a child--Locklann? Where is Anthony and Lochlann's famly when Anthony is running off with the fortune? Perhaps you address this in later chapters? I'm interested to see what you do with the "running away" plot.

Please, continue.
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