I would have to read more of the story before I could really encourage you to continue writing this particular piece or not. What I liked about this small section was that it was written from a perspective that most people never want to look at, the darker side. I would like to see the direction you plan to take the story, weather it be another piece of the story or just the outline of the story itself. I know the direction that I hope the story will go but, I am a sucker for certain types of stories. I am very interested to see what direction you want to take this story.
He did describe the changes in his appearance but, it would have been nice to know what he was transformed into. Obviously a human being but, what did he look like in his current form? Then he began to describe his surroundings. The description was a little vague. I'm not sure if he is in a public park or out in the country. I assume that it's a public place because he is on foot. I wouldn't think his father would dump him off in the middle of no where and expect him to go any great distance to get to the hotel he is staying at. You might want to describe some of the sounds he hears. They would be different from what he was used to hearing. Where there any others around him when he appeared on the grass? These are usually things I don't think about until I go back and revise something I have already written and I thought it might be helpful. It might add just that little extra touch to the story itself.
Basically what I am trying to say is keep going with this. Let's see where it goes. If you write like I do, you aren't sure at this point where it is going, you just write as it comes to you and I understand that. I would love to read anything further you have, let me know when you get something posted.
I really enjoyed this portion of your story. I think it was interesting and it definitely kept my attention. I appreciate that you explained the kirpan, and didn't leave the reader to find out what it was, and the meaning behind it. I am looking forward to reading more from you in the future. I can imagine the father practically snarling and grasping for the scissors with one hand as he reaches for the boy with the other. Write on!
I think it is a good start. By what you have here, I am unable to grasp what this story will really be about or turn into. Obviously it's about the life of this surfer guy who is about to go to the prom and graduate from high school. I like the fact that it is about a guy, instead of a girl. More often than not, stories usually have female lead characters. It is nice that you are writing about a guy. You are letting people see the conversations and thoughts of real teenage boys. I struggle with grammar and sentance structure a lot. I did notice that this particular sentence was a run on sentence. There was a point where you could cut it off and start a new sentence. I think it would help a little if you changed it. You may have made it that way for effect, as some do. Here's the sentence I'm talking about......“Nate, what are you doing to do after graduation?” Ben asked me, reminding me that it was almost the end of the year, we’d finished all our exams, we just needed to have our valedictory service, and then we had Prom. You are very clear when it comes to setting the scene and movements of the characters. It makes it easier to picture in the mind. I do see talent, so don't think for a moment that you don't have any, because you do. My opinion is, continue the story and let's see where it goes. Don't scrap the idea before it fully manifests itself. Let's see what the end result is.
Jenn
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